The Effects of Chemo Brain

I had chemo #5 today and would love to blog about it but I am suffering from chemo brain.  Nothing I type come out right.  And I've been feeling so sick.  All I can do to update you on today's feelings is to create this short video for you.  Let's pray tomorrow is a better day.  Hopefully my I get a call from my oncologist.

Facebook Status of the Day:

My last night in Seattle. Must get up early for my 6am flight. This trip made me realize that I will never lose my battle against cancer. Although there is no cure and I will earn my wings one day, filling my life with beautiful people and experiences makes me a winner. I love my family, friends, and supporters dearly. Thank you all for helping me create a life worth living when it matters the most.

If I Could Stop Time For Just a Moment

I arrived in Seattle on Tuesday, May 22nd, and I leave next Tuesday the 29th. My parents were able to make the trip up here as well as all my siblings (my parents are still married).  There are 9 of us kids.  The oldest sibling is 41 and the youngest is 22, I am in 8th place.  My oldest brother, Carlos, is married with two kids, ages 11 and 8.  My sister Maggie is also married as well as my sister Claudia.  I'm sitting here at Claudia's house listening to my nephews yelling, the TV going on loudly, and my parents and brother laughing at conversation from the dining room table.  My brother is having a beer on the couch and my sister has the remote in her hand.  This is the first time in years that ALL of the siblings have been together.  Tomorrow is Claudia's husbands birthday party and we plan on taking lots of pictures. We'll also have the opportunity to take an updated family portrait.  The last time we took one I think I was about 8 years old.  I'm getting angry as I think about how cancer will take this all away from me, from my family.  I'm angry that I won't get to see my nephews learn how to drive.  I won't see them graduate high school.  I won't be here to in 5 years for these get togethers.  I'll be that missing piece of the puzzle.  The one who broke it.  All I can do is savor these moments.  I hate you cancer for picking me.  I hate you for doing this to my friends and family, especially my fellow warriors and caregivers. I freaking hate you.

Belly Shots

When I was having symptoms back in December, I noticed that my belly was full and distended.  I thought that I was just fat and gaining weight but the funny part about it was that I was actually losing weight.  By the time I was diagnosed, I had lost 40 lbs without even trying.  I remember seeing my primary care doctor and asking him why my belly was so big.  He had said I had fluid in it and he would prescribe Lasix, which is a diuretic, to help me urinate the fluid out.  I asked him what caused it and he said he wasn't sure and didn't want to say.  I thought nothing of this, but when I left and got to my car, I Googled "fluid in belly."  It brought me to the term ascites.  According to Medicinenet.com, ascites is "the accumulation of fluid (usually serous fluid which is a pale yellow and clear fluid) in the abdominal (peritoneal) cavity. The abdominal cavity is located below the chest cavity, separated from it by the diaphragm. Ascitic fluid can have many sources such as liver disease, cancers,congestive heart failure, or kidney failure."  I knew that my liver was fine and so cancer stood out to me.  I knew I had cancer before the doctors had confirmed it.  And I understood that they couldn't say anything to me until further testing was done.

The above picture was taken the first week of January 2012.  I had just removed all the decorations off of the Christmas tree and we were getting ready to recycle it.  I remember telling my friend to take a picture of me because this was my before shot.  I felt fat and I was going to start eating better and working out at the gym.  You can clearly see that my belly is protruding as a result of the ascites.  Also, I had a 21 cm tumor in my pelvic area.  If you pressed on my abdomen, you can feel it.  Thank God today my tumor has shrunk down to 17 cm.  

Monday I was packing for my Seattle trip and I felt that my belly was starting to get big.  I started to take Lasix but I didn't feel it was making a difference.  By the time I flew out to Seattle on Tuesday, my belly felt really big.  I would push my belly in and it would swoosh like a water bed.  I would look down and I couldn't see my feet.  I look pregnant.  

It really does look like I'm about 5 months pregnant.  The pic on the left is from Wednesday morning and the one on the right is from today, Thursday.  Yes, I do have a layer of fat on my belly but I normally do not look like this.  The ascites causes pressure on my abdomen so I can't sleep on my back.  I have to sleep on my side.  It also affects my appetite because it feels as if the pressure is crowding my stomach and I feel full rather quickly.  It feels like a leaky faucet and my belly is just filling up with fluid.  I can feel it sloshing around as I walk.  It's painful and I feel the skin stretching.  I had to take oxycodone yesterday and that helped a lot. My belly feels so uncomfortable.  Finally this morning, I emailed my doctor and sent her the pic on the right.  She suggested that I increased my Lasix to two pills twice daily.  If this doesn't rid my fluid, then she will schedule a paracentesis, which is where they take a huge needle and drain the fluid.  I've watched a YouTube video on this and it completely freaked me out so I am praying that increasing my Lasix rids my body of the fluid.

I asked my doctor why the fluid in my belly comes and goes.  She said that my tumors weep the fluid.  So it's always going to be ongoing.  She also brought up my protein intake.  Sometimes if the protein level is low, I can also weep fluid.  This actually struck a chord with me because I became vegetarian about a month ago.  I know I'm supposed to graze all day but I haven't been eating much.  When you don't feel good, you don't eat.  She made suggestions of what proteins I should eat and said I might want to consider eating chicken.  I already eat tofu and fish so I'm hoping that will increase my protein level.  I also asked a friend about Isagenix, which is a nutrition program, and what shake would give me the most protein.  I figure I could do that for breakfast and the shake she suggested has 35 grams. Sounds great to me.  I do not want to go back to eating meat, not even chicken.  If my liver and kidneys are not functioning correctly, they can also weep fluid, but as of my May 14th labs, they are working perfectly fine.

I've started to freak myself out that my ascites is building up quickly because it means that my cancer must be growing and spreading since I'm on a chemo break.  My doctor eased my worries as she doesn't think my cancer could rebound so quickly.  It's a constant worry though.  I'm a stage IV cancer patient.  Even though I feel good, my body is not like every one else's.  I wish I could do things like everyone else but I'm physically not able to.  I'm working on it.  I've signed up for the gym and started to do light cardio and am incorporating weights into my work outs next week.  It scares me to think about my body deteriorating.  I know it will start slowly.  My organs will start to shut down.  I won't feel good anymore.  I'll have to take more pain medication just to get by.  Hopefully I am months from this...better yet, years from this.  But for now, I'm just hoping that the ascites gets remedied by Lasix and I will go back to feeling awesome.

Funny People

Cancer is one of those things that makes people act funny.  People never know what to say.  And sometimes the dumbest, most stupid things come out of people's mouths.  It's like...did you just say that out loud???  For example, I dated this guy a couple years ago and things didn't work out.  He disrespected me by calling me a few vulgar names in the beginning and I stopped talking to him.  Months later he contacted me trying to rekindle things and my dumb butt gave in.  What can I say.  I was either on drugs (I don't do drugs) or just had a really low self esteem.  Things were never the same.  I didn't feel the same about him anymore and the flame was just gone for me.  But I entertained his advances.  He's lives an hour away so if he wanted to see me, then he had to come to my town.  He would text me here and there and I would respond.  Then after I was diagnosed and he contacted me, I told me about my cancer.  A few weeks later, he sent me a text to check up on me.  At this point, I was very angry.  It's one of those popular emotions one gets as a cancer patient in the beginning.  I was angry because I felt cheated and robbed.  I expressed this to him and he told me, "You should feel blessed to have lived 30 years of your life as there are children with cancer who die everyday."  I told him to f*ck off.  He completely invalidated my feelings.  I should feel blessed that I'm dying????  Why don't I get to live to be 80 like every other human being???? He apologized to me but I never spoke to him after that.  He continued to text me every couple of weeks and I deleted them without responding.  Then he started to call me and leave me voicemails. Maybe I should have the courtesy to tell him that I want no contact with him but I figure he would cop a clue after not responding to his texts for almost 3 months now.  Just because I have cancer does not mean that I'm going to forgive everyone and let them into my life.  No.  The buck stops here.  I don't need negative or nasty people in my life.  I've learned to forgive myself but I don't forget what other people have done to me.

Another example is that date I went on a couple of weeks ago.  I dated him last year but things didn't work out because I chose the bad boy over him.  I ended up paying for dinner and then when we were hanging out at my place, he was all trying to make out with  me and I wasn't having any of it.  I was tucking my lips in my mouth and cringing.  Dude could not cop a clue.  So he continued to text me and call me and I was just done and over him.  Again, I should have the common courtesy to tell him that I really don't want him in my life anymore, but I'm hoping he would have gotten the hint after not responding.  I finally had my friend tell him to back off after he kept calling.

I was asked recently how do I find the strength to fight cancer and keep going.  The person said that if they had cancer they would kill themselves.  It shocked me.  Never once have I thought about giving up and killing myself. I've had rough days where the pain is unbearable and I question why I am putting my body through this.  I just found it ridiculous.  I've had my fair share of "things you shouldn't say to a cancer patient."  Now when people say silly things, I just ignore them and have a good laugh about it later with my fellow warriors.  I know it's awkward and people just want to relate.  At one point, I kept getting messages from people who told me that they had a loved one who passed away from cancer.  It crossed my mind...does that mean death is inevitable for me??? But now, I've learned that people just want to empathize with what I'm going through.  And I can appreciate that.  Cancer is a nasty bastard.

I finally had enough of the whole online dating thing and I deleted my profile yesterday.  What a huge relief.  I did get a lot of responses, many from men wishing me the best in my battle and others who were interested in talking with me. But there was one guy who said the wrong thing to me.

I don't know why someone in your position would come to a site like this and expose themselves to the public like this.

It was completely shocking to me.  Am I a leper???? It completely threw me off and angered me.  He went on and on giving me his unsolicited advice.  I ended up blocking him.  I didn't understand what I was exposing.  That I have cancer?  Oh well.  I was upfront and honest about it.  If people didn't want to date me, then don't hit the "send message" button.  I hold no ill will for people who are not interested in me for fear of getting hurt because of my prognosis.  I often wonder if I have the "easy job" of dying, since I'm not going to be left behind to feel the heartache and to grieve.

One thing I have to address is the weight loss cancer patients go through.  DO NOT tell me I look good because I've lost 40 lbs.  You can tell me I look good because I have a smile on my face.  When I was having symptoms but did not know I had cancer, it was a horrible experience.  I had no appetite, when I could eat I would maybe eat 1/2 cup of food, and I was lucky if I didn't vomit it.  I lost all my muscle tone and had no energy.  Cancer patients undergoing treatment are advised to maintain their weight, as I have.  Even though I would love to lose another 20 lbs, I can't.  And some cancer patients who were already at a healthy weight might lose additional weight causing them to be very thin.  Do not make comments to them about how lucky they are to lose weight.  It doesn't feel good!  I had one guy who I dated 3 years ago find me on the dating website, only look at my pictures, ignoring what I wrote on my profile, message me about how good I looked and to keep up the good work at the gym.  I messaged him back telling him that if he had read my profile, he would have learned that I had cancer and that is why I thinner.  It was just an insensitive thing to say.  I would rather be 40 lbs heavier if it meant that my diagnosis was a stomach ulcer rather than cancer.

Another goody is alternative treatment.  DO NOT tell us you know the cure for cancer.  DO NOT talk to us about conspiracy theories on how there is a cure out there but Big Pharma doesn't want to tell us because there is no profit in curing cancer.  We are going through enough as is and we do need the added pressure of someone telling us that we are doing it all wrong by choosing chemo.  Believe me, we do our research on alternative treatments and other things that can compliment our treatment but we don't need people who are not oncologist or hold PhD's piping in with their 2 cents.  You can research your little heart out on the internet, but that does not make you God.  I am a stage IV gastric cancer patient.  There is no cure.  I've accepted it and so should you.

I don't know why people act funny when it comes to cancer.  I know it's a difficult topic, but I wish people would not be as afraid.  I know that a lot of people are following my journey and I really do appreciate that.  But sometimes it hurts me to think about friends that I've known who haven't messaged me or acknowledged what I'm going through.  Maybe we lost touch and Facebook is the only thing that keeps us connected but the friendship doesn't have to be lost.  Last week I was contacted by an old childhood friend and it gave my heart so much joy to catch up with her.  It wasn't awkward at all.  And she has been really supported of me, allowing me to vent on her.  I just want people to know that it's not too late.  I've had a few old high school friends message me to tell me that although they aren't very vocal and they silently follow me from afar, they are thinking of me.  And I appreciate this so much!  But again, I hold no ill will towards anyone who hasn't connected with me. I just have to admit that it does hurt a little.

But I want to thank some people in my life that have truly shown me support and love.  Janet, for helping me out and making sure that I shower everyday.  Taylor, for coming by several times a week with my Starbucks and making sure that my garbage is thrown out.  Anthony, for making me laugh and helping me feel normal.  Jamie, for texting me funny pictures everyday that bring a smile to my face.  Mimi, for hanging out with me, lending me her ears, and giving me really good advice.  I could go on and on recognizing people but this post would become really long.  I truly do appreciate everyone who has interacted with me on Facebook and has offered their support to me.  We may have never met in person, but knowing that I have this huge support system has made this journey more bearable.

So people, quit acting funny.  Yes, I have cancer and I'm living with it...not dying.  I'm pretty much a normal girl and can still do A LOT of the things that I used to do.  We don't have to talk cancer, but it does tend to come up a lot.  I'm always willing to answer any questions people have.  Even though I'm going through this, it doesn't mean that I'm off limits to hearing other people vent.  I'm here to support you, too!

Oh and the best thing you can say to this cancer patient:  I'm sorry you're going through this.  I'll be (praying/sending you positive vibes) for you.

I'm OK and I'm Not Lying

It's now Friday and I'm feeling good.  I had a rough past couple of days since my oncology appointment on Monday but Happy Marta is finally back.  It was discouraging that I couldn't do chemo on Tuesday but I try to find the silver lining in these situations and tell myself that at least I'll be feeling good being off of chemo for the next two weeks.   The anger and sadness still lingered in these past couple of days and I would find myself shedding tears at random moments.  I told my sister that chemo had been cancelled, as she was taking the day off to drive me to my appointment.  She asked me if I wanted to go to Yosemite instead and I jumped at the offer.  I needed a distraction.

I woke up on Tuesday morning and packed an overnight bag.  I remember crying in the shower.  I was still heartbroken over the fact that there is no cure for me.  I still had that mental checklist going off in my head of the things I will never be able to do.  I wondered if I would be around by the time the 49ers finished building their new stadium in Santa Clara.  I wondered if I would be around to ride BART (the train) from Fremont to San Jose.  It was hard trying to get my mind to stop from doing this.  I shouldn't focus on things that I won't get to do, but instead I should focus on what I can do.  I headed on over to Fremont, where my sister lives, and I arrived at her place.  We packed her car up and drove on over to Yosemite.  I'm not sure how long the car ride was but it didn't seem that long.  I brought a book with me and I listened to music on my iPhone.  Roughly 4 hours later (I looked it up), we arrived at Yosemite.  We were greeted by many trees.

We stopped along the way taking pictures and visited a pretty waterfall.  We had to hike up a little trail to get to it.  I switched into turbo mode and went on up.  I didn't complain or take breaks.  My lungs weren't feeling the best as I could tell my pleural effusion was acting up and I hadn't taken any codeine for this.  I've also been retaining quite a bit of fluid in my belly.  I have a diuretic, Lasix, which helps me get rid of this but I tend to not take it if I'm out of the house that day.  Obviously with traveling, it's harder to take a diuretic since I have to use the bathroom every 20 minutes and I'm out in the middle of nowhere.  The waterfall was gorgeous and it was misting us.  I had my fancy DSLR camera and I was afraid to get it wet but I got a shot of Bridalveil Fall.

We continued driving down the road and we took more pictures.  I was surprised by how many people were at Yosemite.  Thousands.  My mind boggled to think about how many photos are taken at Yosemite every year.  

That evening we stayed in a little motel in Mariposa.  My sister and her boyfriend headed out to dinner but I decided to stay behind.  I read my book but I will still feeling distracted by emotions.  In the morning, we headed out to a diner to have breakfast.  I heard my phone go off, notifying me that I had a voicemail.  I had to return a call to the insurance company handling my short term disability claim from my employer.  I returned the call and I started to cry.  I didn't want to say it out loud.  That I had terminal cancer.  The lady wasn't at her desk so they told me she would call me back.  I had ordered the stuffed french toast and I couldn't even enjoy it because there were knots in my stomach.  On our way back to the car, they called me back.  And I was fine.  I didn't cry.  The lady over the phone was extremely nice and just asked me questions about how I got diagnosed and about my income.  We got in the car and headed back home to the Bay Area.  I could feel my mood getting better and I wasn't so sad anymore.  I had just seen nature and it's beauty.  Many people won't get to experience that but I did.  

When we arrived back at my sister's condo, we unpacked the car and I headed out.  I stopped by the nearby shopping center and picked up a new shirt.  I headed back to San Mateo and I was so excited to see Molly and Dash.  Their innocent little faces always bring a smile to my face.  When I got home, I gave Molly a big hug.  Sometimes I think about the end of my journey and how that will affect Molly and Dash.  When I adopted them, I promised to love them and give them a forever home.  It saddens me so much to know that we won't get to grow old together. But I know that when the time comes, they will go live with my brother who is an avid animal lover.  I know he will take great care of them.  

Molly and Dash, my babies who captured my heart.

I could feel my spirit being lifted.  I wasn't feeling anger or sadness anymore.  I think just getting out there and experiencing life is what gets me through these tough moments.  I deserve to be happy and only I can make that happen.  I turned to some fellow warriors, who are also stage IV, in my stomach cancer support group for extra support.  They gave me words of encouragement and guidance.  Seeing them two years into the battle and thriving gave me hope.  I'm not going to die tomorrow, I had to remind myself, so I had to stop worrying about that.  It's the in between time that matters.  What am I going to do with it?  How am I going to spend that time?  I'm going to travel and hang out with cool people.  And along the way, I want to share my story, promote smiles, and inspire.  The odds can be against you, but it's not the end of the world. 

This morning I went to Kaiser in South San Francisco and met with my therapist.  I had scheduled an appointment with him on Monday because I needed extra support.  I needed time to gather my thoughts. Therapy for me is a safe place to talk about cancer without making anyone feel uncomfortable.  I was glad that I was able to spill my guts without crying profusely.  At times my eyes did well up with tears but there were no waterfalls.  I was proud of myself for that because it meant that the sadness was being acknowledged but not consuming me.  I would have to say that overall, today was a good day.  I felt pretty good mentally and physically.  

I posted this as my Facebook status this morning and I wanted to share it on my blog. 

Cancer. The first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. It consumes my day but I will not let it dictate my life. Happiness, encouragement, and inspiration are my daily goals. If I have given you that, then my job is done and I will do it all over again tomorrow.

5/14/12 Follow Up Appointment With My Oncologist

My name is Marta and I have terminal cancer.  There.  I said it.  I can't sugar coat it any longer.  Please do not tell me that things are going to be ok.  What is ok?  That I'm going to be cured?  I'm not.  If you mean that I'm going to live a happy life, then yes, that is ok.  But I can't sit here and listen to the bull sh*t any longer.  Needless to say, I had a bad day.  And maybe I'm just in one of my moods, but damn it, I'm angry. I never said being a cancer patient was always going to be sunshine and rainbows.  These are my confessions.  And right now, I'm going to tell you exactly how I feel.  I can't listen to people tell me that none of know when our time is up.  Yes, I know that.  I can get hit by a car tomorrow and die.  You can get hit by a car tomorrow and die.  But most of us do not have to go through chemo and cancer.  I would rather live my life not knowing when I was going to die than to live my life having an idea of when my time was going to be up.  I feel like I'm living on borrowed time.  I'm angry.  I feel cheated and robbed of my youth.  Of my golden years.  You get to make plans.  You get to have dreams.  I do not.  All day I kept making a mental list of things that I will never get to do.  I will never have children.  I will never get married.  I will never go back to school and become a nurse.  I will never....the list is endless.  And the things that I get to do are limited.  Plus I have to get them done before my body starts deteriorating.  So I have every right to pull the cancer card.  If I want to meet Barack Obama, then I should get to.  If I want to swim with the dolphins in Mexico, then I should get to.  If I want to visit New York City, then I should get to.  As time passes by, it makes me closer to my expiration date.  I'm like a damn milk carton.  I have a stamp on me, but it usually lasts a couple of days after that, give or take.  And sometimes that date is completely wrong because maybe we left the carton out on the counter way too long and the milk goes bad.

I woke up at about 8:30am this morning and headed over to the lab at Kaiser in San Mateo.  I had to do my INR test and also my pre chemo blood work.  I was hoping and praying my numbers were good enough to proceed with chemo tomorrow.  Afterwards I headed home and rested for a bit before I started to get ready for my 1:30pm appointment with my oncologist.  I got the results back from my INR test.  This test checks to see how thick or thin my blood is since I am taking Coumadin.  I was at 2.6, which is awesome because we aim to be between 2-3.  I started to slowly get my results back from my pre chemo blood work.  I could tell that the liver function tests had come back normal but I couldn't decipher the rest.  I would just ask my oncologist.

I arrived to my appointment and checked in.  I had my vitals checked and I actually gained about 3 lbs since my last visit.  I think it was all that coffee I drank.  Plus I haven't been taking my diuretic so I'm retaining a bit of fluid.  I sat in the exam room waiting for my oncologist.

My oncologist came in and I was all smiles.  I shook her hand.  She sat down and started to ask me all the basic questions we always run through.  How was my breathing?  Any mouth sores?  Any redness or blisters on my hands?  I told her about how I was feeling great.  So great that if I could do cart wheels, I would.  Then she told me that the results of my blood work was back.  My liver was doing great but my immune system was low.  We can't do chemo tomorrow, she said.  My heart sank.  I was so pumped up to get this show on the road and now we had to delay it.  I told her I didn't understand.  Why do I feel so good but my immune system says otherwise? She said something about my bone marrow and white blood cells and how chemo affects them.  All I knew is that chemo was not happening.  I had to stop taking Xeloda (oral chemotherapy pills) and delay chemo by one week.  I would let my body recover naturally and do blood work again to see how I was doing.  But I have my Seattle trip planned for May 22nd-29th.  No problem.  I'll do my blood work on the 29th and tentatively schedule chemo for Wednesday the 30th.  This is also the day of my next Aredia treatment so it works out that I'll get both at the same time.  Saves me time and a needle poke.  We next refilled all my medications and then I started to ask her the questions I had came up with in between our visits. 

Why did my hair fall out after the first treatment and now it's growing back while I am still receiving treatment?  I have strong hair.  Plus we have lowered the dosage of chemo since I first started so it's not as strong, giving my hair a chance to grow.

How long does Epirubicin and Cisplatin stay in my system?  It is in my body for about 3 weeks until I get my next chemo. 

Am I going to get a port? If I want one, I can get one.  If the needle poking is too much and the nurses/lab techs are having a hard time finding my veins, we can go with one.  But this would mean I would have to stop Coumadin and go on Lovenox shots.  No thank you.

Why will I be on Coumadin forever?  Because I will be on chemo for the rest of my life basically, and chemo causes the blood to be sticky, we have to prevent blood clots. Coumadin will "thin" my blood out so it flows smoothly.

I have a dentist appointment next Monday for a cleaning and exam.  Is this ok to proceed with?  I'll need to do blood work on Sunday to see if my immune system is up.  She doesn't want me getting my teeth flossed and have my gums start bleeding if my immune system is low.  

As an oncologist, do you familiarize yourself with alternative treatments that your patients would want to try to compliment their chemotherapy?  My cancer is a nasty bastard.  There are NO studies that show any alternative treatment cures my type and stage of cancer.  None.  Gerson Therapy?  No, it will not cure my cancer.  Even if we did surgery to remove my stomach, there will be cancer cells left behind floating.  They are nasty and will mutate and sneak their way around multiplying.  I cannot escape this deadly disease.  So anyone who believes in alternative treatment, that is great for you, but I do not believe in it and I don't want to entertain conversations about how someone has the cure to my cancer. 

This last question led me to one I wasn't planning on asking.  And as the question left my lips, I started to cry.  Why will I never be cured? I asked her.  My cancer, that nasty bastard, will find a way to outsmart chemo.  Yes, it's shrinking and I've got less cancer today than I did 4 months ago, but it's going to be a constant game.  Back and forth.  She did say that i'm doing remarkably well and that I'll be around for a while.  I know oncologists are not God and that they can be wrong, but I have accepted my prognosis. I have all along. What I need is for people to stop telling me that I'm going to beat this and that I'm going to be cured.  It just doesn't help my situation. You better believe that I will keep fighting.  I'm not giving up.  But I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I will live to be 70.  That's just not going to happen.  I don't know what I did wrong to deserve cancer or what I could have done to prevent it, but I have it and I just have to deal with it.  And I can't take it anymore when people tell me that God is testing me, or he doesn't give me what I can't handle.  God did not give me cancer.  I don't think he is rude enough to give me cancer just to get a reaction out of me.  I'm not going to pray for a cure or a miracle, I'm going to pray for peace.  I'm going to pray for happiness throughout my journey and for a spot in Heaven.  I'm tired of being sad.  I feel like I cried all day over losing my friend Marta.  And then I realized that she is me.  

After my appointment ended, I collected myself and headed on over to the medical assistants office so they could book my next appointments.  They asked me how I was doing and I lied, saying I was doing good.  I walked on over to the pharmacy to pick up my refills.  I waited in line and I fanned my face with a paper in order to keep the tears from falling out of my eyes.  When it was my turn, the pharmacy tech grabbed my prescriptions and started to ring me up.  I couldn't take it anymore and I just started to cry.  He could tell I was a cancer patient by the pills I was picking up.  He told me not to lose hope.  I told him I wasn't normally like this, that I usually was happy and positive but today was not a good day. Out of curiosity, I asked him what the retail price was on my Xeloda.  Xeloda is still under patent so there is no generic available.  For 63 pills, it was $1,795.  Wow.  Then I asked him to check my Emend (also still under patent), which is an anti-nausea 3 pill pack that I take the day of chemo.  $395.  I was astonished.  Thank God I have health insurance.   Cancer treatment is not cheap.  I ended up spending $80 on my medications and $20 for the office visit.  I was grateful that my sister had given me money to help with my medical expenses when she came to visit me in April.  I did smile at one point while in the pharmacy.  There was this lady standing next to me in line and she had a tiny puppy in her arms.  He looked like a golden retriever.  And he was wearing a black hoodie.  It was the most adorable thing I had seen all day.  I should have taken a picture.

I retrieved my car from valet and once I got in, I cried.  Tears just would not stop falling from my eyes.  I headed on over to a nearby shopping center, hoping that a little retail therapy would lift my spirits.  I managed to not cry in the store.  Then I grabbed some sushi and headed home.  My day had been completely thrown off.  I questioned my sanity.  Was I delusional to think that I could beat this?  I allowed myself to be angry, sad, and hurt.  I had to let it out.  I know that they're emotions that I'll feel throughout my journey and I can't ignore them.  I called my therapist and made an appointment to see him on Friday.  I need my safe place.  

I hope that I wake up tomorrow feeling like my old self again.  I am truly happy and normally I have a high spirit.  It was just one of those days where cancer was trying to bring me down.  And it did a good job of trying to break me.  But I'm not quitting.  I'm going to continue to fight, not matter what the outcome is.  If it buys me time, then I am grateful for that.  For now, I'm angry.  I'm not tolerating other people's shenanigans well right now.  People who complain about work are irritating me.  People who complain about drama in their love life are irritating me.  People waste so much time complaining about petty crap.  I wish they'd realize how precious life is.  Just take a minute and try to feel what I feel.  Try.  I wish I could come out and say JUST KIDDING but I can't.  My name is Marta and I have terminal cancer.   

The Hair Cut

I wanted to write about losing my hair, as I had no idea how it was going to be and I couldn't find any detailed accounts on how I should approach shaving my hair off.  Here is my story.

My first chemo infusion was on January 30th, 2012 and I knew that the side effects would cause me to lose my hair.  I loved my hair.  I mostly only styled it on the weekends and kept it simple during the week by sporting a pony tail.  This is what I had to say goodbye to.

I was told to expect hair loss about 3 weeks after my first chemo.  And boy were they right.  The weekend before I started chemo, I made an appointment to see my wonderful stylist, Tanya.  I wanted to cut my hair short so I could gradually get used to my hair changing and I also wanted to donate it before the chemo went into my system.  Tanya did an awesome job giving me a cute little cut.

My hair I donated to Locks of Love.

About 2 1/2 weeks after chemo, I had a tingly feeling in my scalp.  I was later told that this sensation is the hair follicle opening and closing.  When I would take a shower, I noticed I was losing a lot of hair.  When I would run my finger through my hair, I notice I was losing more and more strands. 

It was a Thursday when I started pulling on strands of my hair and I noticed they were just falling out.  I knew I wanted to shave my head and I was mentally preparing myself for this.  I knew that time was getting closer.  By Friday night, I pulled on more strands of hair and it just fell out with ease.  I told myself that I would shave it the following week.  I woke up the next day Saturday and I remember being in the bathroom and grabbing a good sized chunk of strands and tugging on them.  My hair just fell out.  My heart dropped and started to race.  OMG.  My hair is falling out.  I immediately texted my friend, Janet, and told her I needed to shave my hair off immediately.  I was really going to do this.  I hadn't prepared myself with any wigs, hats, or scarves, so I grabbed one of the few hats I had.  I made the 20 minute drive down to her and picked her up.  We drove over to Great Clips.  There were men sitting in chairs waiting for their hair cuts.  I walked up to the desk and the lady asked me what service I needed.  I'd like to shave my hair off, I said.  Excuse me? She said.  I need to shave my hair off; I'm undergoing chemo, I replied.  She checked me in and we sat in the chairs.  Within minutes, I was called over to the hair cutting station.  The man asked me what I needed and I told him I'm undergoing chemotherapy as I took a chunk of hair and pulled it off my head.  He suggested I go with a 1 on the clippers.  I agreed as I had no idea what I was doing.  He turned the clippers on and started to work.  I closed my eyes and tears started rolling down my face.  I wasn't crying because I was losing my hair.  I didn't care about that.  I knew it would grow back.  I cried because losing my hair was making my cancer journey more real.  I have cancer.  I'm losing my hair.  I have cancer? Yes, that's my reality.  He snuck some tissues into my hand.  When I was done, I opened my eyes and my hair was gone.  I had a shaved head.  Janet handed me my hat and I put it on.  I've never done this before.  I'll never forget you, the stylist said to me.  It touched my heart.  I went to go pay and he shook my hand.  We headed on out, I dropped Janet off as she had to go to work, and I headed home.  More tears rolled down my face.  

First pic I took after I shaved my head.

That afternoon my brother and his wife and kids arrived from Washington state.  Luckily my sister-in-law had knitted me some little hats and I was totally comfortable wearing those.  I had not been prepared for this.  I went to my closet and found some of my old winter scarfs.  I folded them neatly and they fit my head.  One thing I wasn't prepared for was the stubble that was falling off my head as it rubbed against my hat.  It was falling into my shirt and causing me to itch.  I needed to shave my head closer and I didn't know who to ask.  My dad gave my brothers hair cuts growing up so I could ask him to do it but I didn't want to cry in front of him.  I wasn't ready for ANYONE to see my shaved head but I felt comfortable asking my sister-in-law to do it.  We went into the bathroom and she shaved my head down to a zero.  Much better. 

The following week, I decided to order some wigs.  At first I thought I was just going to do scarves and hats but I realized that I wanted to blend in a little more with the rest of the crowd so I went with wigs, too.  I went to the American Cancer Society website and they linked me to their TLC site that sells hair loss accessories.  I ordered 2 wigs.  One was a keeper, the other one wasn't.  Luckily, I was able to return it for a full refund.  The wigs are synthetic hair and extremely affordable, about $40 each.  

About a week or two after I shaved my hair off, I decided to go even further and shave my hair off with a razor.  I had went into the bathroom and started to work on my head.  I couldn't see the back of my head, so I had my little brother who was visiting, finish the back for me.  It actually felt very cool.  It was weird.  I hadn't been this bald since I was in utero.  If I had to do it all over again, I would have shaved my head down to a zero then finished it off with a razor.  

It took me about a month to finally gather the courage to take a pic of my bald head and share it with my Facebook family.  

I was definitely not ready to go out in public with a bald head, and to this day I'm still not, but I have no problems sharing pics of my bald head or walking around my apartment bald with my friends and family.  I only experienced hair loss on my head.  None of the hair on the rest of my body fell out.  I was happy to keep my brows and lashes.  And just a FYI, my chemo cocktail that caused my hair loss is Epirubicin, Cisplatin, and Xeloda.  My hair started to grow back but I noticed it was very thin and spotty, not growing all over my head.  It looked very fuzzy to me.  So when my sisters came to visit in mid April, I had them help me shave it off one more time.  Today, 3 weeks later, I'm having awesome hair growth.  I'm not sure why chemo causes hair to fall out initially only to grow back during treatment. I can tug on my hair and it is stuck on my head.  I'm going to ask my doctor about his.  And I've decided not to shave it off anymore.  I'm going to let it grow long!

Three weeks worth of hair growth! 

I currently have 6 synthetic hair wigs in rotation. I like being able to take a quick shower, do my make up, and slip on a wig.  I'm ready in no time.  Being bald is really not that bad.  When I'm out in public, no one stares at me.  You can't tell I'm wearing a wig and I've actually gotten compliments on my hair cut. I'm having so much fun with the wigs.  There is a lab tech over at the Kaiser in San Mateo that I like confusing with different hair styles.  We joke around about it.  

I'm trying to gather the courage to debut my bald head.  I'm not ready to walk around the grocery store bald, but I'd like to start off by going to my next chemo appointment (which is this Tuesday, May 15th) without my wig on.  And I'd wear my Wonder Woman shirt.  What do you think???

Expiration Dates

Sometimes I wonder if my life would be easier if I just had an expiration date stamped on the bottom of my foot.  There are so many unknowns.  Do I sit here and listen to statistics?  Do I listen to what my oncologist thinks my prognosis is?  Or do I choose hope?  Do I choose to believe that only God knows what my destiny will be?  It's taken so much to choose to be happy.  To choose to have hope.  To believe that my life is in God's hands.  But how do I deny that there is no cure? I know that doctors can be wrong and that people beat cancer everyday but am I delusional to believe that I will be the last man standing?

It's hard to think that you only have so much time left.  It's still hard to this day, even after all the pep talks I've given myself about not giving up hope.  I push it out of my mind and tell myself that I can do this.  But you know what, I'm not going to think about any of that.  I'm just going to live my life day by day.  I'm going to fight cancer with everything that I've got.  I'm not going to quit.

This evening I met with a friend of mine, Dennis.  I met Dennis a couple of years ago through my work.  He is super easy to talk to, always happy, and has a great sense of humor.  Last year, I created tension in our friendship and we didn't talk as much anymore.  Then after I got diagnosed, I sent him a text telling him I was sick.  He acknowledged me but we didn't really keep in touch.  A couple of days ago, I was thinking about him.  I missed him.  He was a good friend to me.  I sent him a text, a smiley face.  He sent one back.  I told him I was still alive!  I wanted to see him and we made plans to meet Wednesday night.  After he got off of work, he told me to meet him at a Starbuck in South San Francisco.  I put my best wig on and head out.  I made it to Starbucks and he came out to my car.  We just sat in my car talking.  He asked me about my journey.  He kept telling me how surreal it felt.  I know, I told him. You take one look at me and you would never believe that I'm a stage IV cancer patient.  I wish I could tell you just kidding, I said, but I can't.  Dennis made me laugh.  He made my heart smile.  I still have those old feelings for him, the ones I had when I first met him.  But this darn cancer is in the way.  I know Dennis will always be my friend and will be here in my journey, but I can't help but to feel robbed and cheated of my future.  There's that expiration date lurking again. Sometimes I just don't know how to shut the idea out of my head.  But I have to treat it like every other scary emotion that I feel.  I have to know that the feelings are temporary and that they will pass.

I feel great.  I look great.  I'm kicking butt.  So how can anyone tell me when my expiration date will be?  It's like a pill.  A pill with my expiration date on it.  And it's in my mouth but I won't swallow it.  I refuse to.  I won't.

So take a look at the girl below and you tell me if she looks like she's sick.  I don't think she's dying...she's just living with cancer until she can kick it for good!

I realize that a lot of my readers are not on my Facebook and I wanted to start sharing my videos here.  I want you all to see that I am happy and that I'm not forcing it or faking it.  Enjoy! 

Results: Genetics Testing

If you recall from an earlier posting in late March, I had gone in for genetics testing to see if my cancer was caused by a gene mutation in the 16th chromosome which would make it hereditary.  To view that post, click here.

Earlier today I had gone to the lab at the Kaiser in San Mateo to have my INR done.  Afterwards, I headed to the Social Security office to handle some business.  Apparently when my family had applied for social security numbers back in 1991 (I was 9 at the time), whoever filled out the application checked the wrong box and put me down as male.  This was never caught until a few weeks ago when I called Social Security about some business and the man on the phone asked me if I was male or female.  I was confused and told him I was female.  He said that the system had me down as male.  So I had to get my mom to mail me my original birth certificate in order to have it changed.  I checked in and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  While waiting, I received a phone call from my genetics counselor.  She told me that the results were in.  It was the moment I was patiently waiting for.  Was my cancer hereditary or did I just have bad luck and it randomly chose me?

According to No Stomach For Cancer, 1-3% of gastric cancers are caused by Hereditary Diffuse Gastric Cancer (HDGC).  This increases the risk for developing this type of cancer at a young age.  I'm only 30 so the idea that my cancer could be this didn't see so far off.  My geneticist told me the news.  I tested negative for the CDH1 gene mutation.  This is good news!!!!  Why?  Because had I tested positive, this would mean that my family could also carry the mutated gene and that would increase their lifetime risk of developing HDGC by up to 80%.  I am happy that this disease stops with me.  It's not in my bloodline.  So then why did I get cancer at 30?  What did I do wrong? Is it because I ate meat as a kid?  Is it because of the pesticides I was exposed to as a kid?  Was it because I drank like a fish when I was in college at all those frat parties?  Why me?  We just don't know.  And we will probably never know.  The geneticist continued to tell me that she would send me the results by mail and also some additional information.  We hung up and I prepared myself as I had to reveal the news to my family.

It seemed like forever (an hour and a half) but I was finally called up and showed the guy behind the desk my birth certificate.  He took a copy and typed away on his computer.  In a few minutes I was done and I headed on out to grab something to eat.  When I got home, I removed my wig and slipped into lighter clothing.  It was 86 degrees outside.  I was eager to find out if I had any mail so I put some shoes on and headed out to the mail boxes outside.  I almost reached the bottom of the stairs when I realized I didn't have my hat on.  I flew back into my apartment to go grab it.  My complex is huge (700 units), located near a shopping mall, and on a busy street.  I was lucky no one saw me.  I'm just not ready to walk around without a wig, scarf, or hat.  I'm afraid of the way people would look at me.  They wouldn't understand.  I don't look like a cancer patient.  I look healthy.  People would probably think I had a Britney Spears moment and shaved my hair off.  I like blending in with the crowd.  If I'm going to cause attention to myself as a bald person, I want it to be in the right setting.  Like doing Relay For Life.  Otherwise, I just feel like the world is not ready to see bald Marta.

A special thank you to No Stomach For Cancer for providing the valuable information about HDGC.

To Love or Not to Love

I'm working on writing about my experience in dating as a cancer patient but it's taking me a bit longer to put it together than I had hoped.  But I wanted to quickly write about something that is bothering me.  Today I was in one of the forums on the online dating site that I'm a member of.  I searched the threads by keyword "cancer."  I came across one post a guy had written about how he is single and newly diagnosed with cancer.  He didn't know his prognosis.  He wasn't sure if he should date or not.  Many people responded that he should take himself off the market and focus on treatment, that he didn't need the extra stress of dating.  My take on this is a little different.  I am a cancer patient.  Yes, being a warrior is my full time job right now.  But believe me, I need distractions just like the next person.  Last year, I was chasing down love with a bow and arrow.  I mean, that's why I started this blog, to chronicle my life as a serial dater.  I wanted so bad to find love and to get the ball rolling on making my way to getting married and starting a family.  Then cancer came into the picture and changed all of that.  Cancer took away my ability to ever have children by shutting down my ovaries.  Alright, that's ok.  In the beginning when I was first diagnosed, I used to get angry and jealous when I saw pregnant women or women with strollers.  I felt like that precious ability had been taken from me and I never had a say.  But I'm really ok with it today.  Sure it would have been nice to have a little mini me but that just wasn't in my cards.  Back to my point.  Yes, focus on treatment, but if you feel up to dating, go for it.  I truly feel blessed that for the majority, I have felt great.  I'm open, honest, and upfront about my diagnosis so that I give the other person the option of whether they would want to date a cancer patient.

The other thing that disturbed me was a posting by a guy that had started dating a girl and a few dates later, she is diagnosed with cancer.  She pushed him away and ceased communication with him.  A year later, he sees her back online dating and contacts her.  They meet up and then low and behold, a short time later her cancer returns.  He said he didn't know what to do because he really likes her and he even said "she could die on me."  I jaw dropped when I read this.  Really?  She'll die on you??? This isn't about you.  I'm glad that people were responding to his post by saying that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  There's no denying what statistics say about my chances of survival.  But take into consideration that these rates are dated and most of the data comes from patients who are older and ran into other problems in conjunction to their cancer and died of those conditions, not the cancer itself. I am otherwise a healthy 30 year old if it was not for my cancer.  And I'm doing great.  So if American Cancer Society says that only 6% make it to 5 years, then that's me.  I am 6%.  You better believe it because I sure as hell do.  I don't want a guy not want to date me because he fears I might die and that will cause him pain.  I've experienced this before and yes, it hurt like hell.  In 2006, I had been dating a guy for a little under a year when he passed away unexpectedly.  It was so traumatic and I never thought I would get over it or fall in love again.  But with each passing day, my wounds started to heal.  If I knew he was going to die, I'd still love him all over again.

I do fear that in the event anything ever happened to me, I'm going to hurt those I love.  It's the reality.  My family will hurt, my friends will hurt.  Nothing is going to make it easier.  I appreciate the time everyone has made to come hang out with me.   It truly makes my heart fill up with joy.  I don't want anyone to ever be afraid to love me.  I promise I'm worth it.

Aredia Treatment #3

Today I had my 3rd Aredia treatment.  Aredia is a bisphosphonate for my bones.  Because the cancer has spread to my bones, they are more likely to be weak and Aredia will help strengthen them.  I go in every 4 weeks for about an hour or hour and a half and am hooked up to an IV.  My sister had sent me a text yesterday asking if I wanted her to take me but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it so I told her I would be fine driving myself.

Before heading to my appointment, I stopped by the lab at the Kaiser in San Mateo.  I had to have another INR done today to check my Coumadin level.  I later found out that I was at  1.6 (ideally we want to be between 2-3) which meant that my blood was too thick.  A pharmacist with the Coumadin Clinic called me later on and instructed me on how to take my pills.  2 mg tonight.  1 mg tomorrow and Friday.  2 mg on Saturday and 1 mg on Sunday.  I have to retest on Monday.  I had to write it all down.  Every day it's a different dosage of Coumadin.  I'm constantly getting my blood checked.  This is my life.  How long will it be like this?  Do I just have to get used to getting my blood drawn 1-3 times per week to check my Coumadin level?  I wish that I knew someone else who was on Coumadin so I could ask them about their experience.  I know I have to be on them for the rest of my life.  Later I went on eBay and ordered a medical alert bracelet that has "Taking Coumadin" engraved on it.  I figure that if anything happens to me and I can't communicate this, the bracelet will come in handy.

With my Starbucks in hand, I arrived at Kaiser in South San Francisco at 10:15am.  I let valet take my car and went in to the Orchid Center to register for my appointment. I got my computerized wristband and waited for my nurse to call me in.  Today I had Dawn as my nurse. I have seen her around but had never had her before.  She set me up in infusion chair #1 and asked me where I wanted the IV.  I decided to go with my right hand because my left had bruising from chemo a week ago.  She stuck the IV in and it stung.  I will never get used to needle pokes.  They make me cringe and I can never watch the needle go in, but after a couple of seconds I'm over it.  I asked Dawn about my ascites (fluid build up in the belly caused by the tumors "weeping").  I told her that yesterday I took my usual dose of 20 mg of Lasix (my diuretic) and that I thought my scale was broken because it told me that I had lost 5 lbs.  I assumed it was all fluid because I had noticed that I was peeing every 20 minutes.  She said it was normal and shared a story with me about how when she first started nursing, she bought a pair of size 5 jeans and took a Lasix pill to fit into them.  She lost the water weight but was so weak from it she couldn't function.

Waiting for my Aredia infusion after nurse Dawn hooked me up to my IV.

I waited in the chair with my personal tv by my side for the meds to come in.  I didn't bother turning the tv on, my iPhone is much more entertaining.  The Aredia arrives and Dawn hooks me up, letting it infuse for an hour.  I sit there texting and checking Facebook.  Suddenly I hear a newbie arrive in the chair next to me. Curtains separate us but I can hear everything she is saying.  She tells her nurse that she has questions about the anti-nausea medication.  She talks about how her doctor prescribed Zofran and Compazine but she was anti-drug and wasn't sure why she needed more than one med.  Zofran and Compazine are my good friends.  Newbie says that she is "anti-drug" and doesn't want to just take all these pills.  I so wanted to pipe in and guide her.  Her nurse was doing a great job at answering her questions but I find that talking with fellow warriors about their experiences also is a great source of knowledge and we go through it first hand.  She complains about the side effects from taking all these drugs, which in my experience have been non existent or manageable.  Oxycodone, for example, will constipate the hell out of you (like any good opiate will) but as long as you take a stool softener and Miralax, you're all good.  The problem she had was that she took Decadron right before she went to bed and couldn't fall asleep until 1am.  Decadron is an anti-imflammatory drug we take the day before chemo, of chemo, and after chemo.  My doctor (and also pharmacist) told me not to take it after 4pm as it can cause difficulty sleeping.  I guess she wasn't told this.  See, drugs aren't so bad. You just have to educate yourself about them.  Google the hell out of them, I say!  I really wanted to introduce myself on the way out and ofter her my number in case she wanted to connect but I was too shy to.  

My hour infusion was finished before I knew it and head nurse Cynthia set me up for another Aredia. I go back in on May 30th.  After my appointment, I stopped by the medical assistant's office and picked up the hard copy of my "Do Not Resuscitate" form. My doctor had to sign off on it.  They reminded me to keep it out in a visible place.  It felt weird holding that form.  Knowing that those were the instructions on how far I wanted someone to save my life.  I left Kaiser and went to run some errands before heading home.  I spent the rest of the afternoon watching tv with my cats. 

I went online to the Alaska Airlines website and poked around at flights to go home.  Well not home home but home as in where the majority of my siblings live, Seattle.  I had saved up 74K miles and it would only cost me 25k and $7.50 to fly home.  I was ecstatic!  I checked the calendar in my iPhone to see what dates I had available.  I meet with my oncologist on the 14th, have chemo on the 15th and Aredia on the 30th.  I'm usually knocked out for a good week after chemo infusion so I figured the 22nd would be a good time for me to go and the 29th to return.  I'll be taking my Xeloda (chemotherapy) pills during that time but I haven't had any side effects from them so I'm pretty comfortable traveling on them. My doctor said I was ok to travel as long as I take my list of medications and the notes from our last visit just in case I have to visit an ER and need to get that doctor up to speed on my case.  Even if something pops up or goes wrong between now and May 22nd, I will only lose $7.50.  The only thing that I am concerned about is my Coumadin level while out in Seattle.  I plan on calling the Coumadin Clinic to let them know about my trip and asking them for their advice on dosing during that time.  I know that Kaiser is affiliated with Group Health in Seattle so I'm covered there in case I need to see a doctor or go to the lab.  I'll figure it out.

It's 1am now and I'm anxious for what the morning brings.  Aredia always causes me excruciating bone pain the following day.  In the past I was told to take Tylenol for the pain but it does not work for me!  My doctor suggested I take oxycodone and I have the bottle sitting right next to me.  Last time I woke up at 7am with the feeling that an elephant had sat on me and I just cried while waiting for the Tylenol to kick in.  This time I'm ready for it.  Bring on the bone pain!  2 oxycodone and I'll be knocked out!

Therapy Sessions

Part of my cancer journey involves seeing a LCSW who specializes in talking with cancer patients.  I feel very lucky that Kaiser offers this at no extra co-pay.  I see my therapist about every 3-4 weeks.  He is a very nice man who is compassionate and easy to talk to.  While I have my blog, my Facebook wall, and numerous friends and family to vent to, I really like being able to talk to my therapist about the scary stuff.  I won't go into detail about what I discuss with him but I do talk to him about things that are bothering me or things that I don't want to deal with.  I'm the type of person who finds myself ignoring a problem in hopes it just goes away.  And you know that never works.  I hate confrontation and I hate hurting people.  I'm not a mean and nasty person so I would never come across as rude but I don't like disappointing people.

Today during session I had finally brought in my DNR (do not resuscitate) form to fill out.  I also had my Advanced Healthcare Directive but I need to have a notary sign off on it.  In the beginning of my journey, I was given these forms.  It doesn't mean that I'm giving up or that I'm going to die. It's just something that I have to have in place.  Everyone should really have them set up.  We never know what's going to happen to us and how many of us can say that our loved ones would know exactly what we would want if we were to end up in the hospital unresponsive?  I often think about the late Terri Schiavo and the ordeal her family had to go through.  I would not want that to happen to me.  If I was in a persistent vegetative state, let me go!  So it's important for me to have a legal document in place that speaks for me when I don't have a voice.  It's also important for me to discuss this with my family as to what I want.  It's not the easiest conversation to have, but I think that I'm just going to write an open ended letter with my wishes.  That way there's no question as to what I would want.  It was very strange checking the boxes on the form and listening to my therapist as he explained what each one meant.  I turned in my form and my therapist delivered it to my doctor who had to sign off on it and then it would be scanned into the Kaiser system.  I have to keep a copy of it visible in my apartment just in case something happens and paramedics are called if I'm unresponsive.  I know, not a fun topic of conversation but this is what I have to deal with.  It's crazy.

Therapy is also a place for me to heal from my past.  I have a lot of built up anger from this past year.  I'm not happy with the choices that I made in dating and in "adopting grown men as my children."  I will never understand how a grown ass man can just take money from a girl but I guess that's my fault.  My mom always taught me that a man wasn't worth my time if I had to financially support him.  And look.  When the money ran out and I got sick, who got left holding the bag?  It's funny how they walked out on me.  I can only take it as a lesson and pray to God to find it in my heart to forgive.  Mostly forgive myself.  To not be so hard on myself.  So in therapy I learn how to heal from my past.  I can't change the things that I have done, I can only change now and going forward.

After therapy I stopped by Thaiger Kitchen in Burlingame and had my favorite dish, the pumpkin curry. Some people get weirded out by eating alone at restaurants but not me.  I'm used to it.  I just sat there and took my time eating my food.  My stomach doesn't hold much food like it used to so I went extra slow to try to fit as much as I could.  I also just wanted to savor the moment.  To eat good food in peace.

Afterwards I decided to treat myself to a Pecanbon from Cinnabon.  My eyes almost fell out of my head when I read it was 1,000 calories but I deserved to treat myself after last weeks chemo session.  Took me all afternoon but I finished it proudly.  I stopped by Sears on my way out of the mall and was poking around looking at dresses.  I haven't worn a pair of shorts in public in years and I wasn't in the mood to try on capris.  I figure I could wear dresses this summer to stay cool.  I have a feeling that my wigs and I are going to have issues.  My head gets so hot underneath them!  I was able to find 4 dresses for about $15 each so I was pretty happy.  I hope that one day I'm comfortable to go commando with my bald head.  Right now I don't see that happening.  I'm just too self conscious.  All I want is to blend in with everyone else.  That's why I wear wigs.  You look at me and you can't even tell I have stage IV cancer.  I don't look sick.  And I love it.  I fly under the radar.

Overall, I had a pretty good day.  My cough is getting better and I wasn't in any pain today.  I was so happy to see everyone posting pics of their Team Marta wristbands on my Facebook page.  If I missed anyone, please add me on FB and message me your address and I will send you one out.  I still do have a few left.  It may seem silly but the way that I see it is that I have this army of people behind me cheering me on and that positive energy just burns so boldly.  Cancer really doesn't know who they picked a fight with.