I've lost count as to how many Aredia treatments I've had but I think this is number 5 or 6. Gone are the days of bone pain associated with these bone treatments. (To recap, since my cancer has spread to my bones I go in for these infusions every 4 weeks and they help strengthen my bones). And I'm so grateful for that as the feeling of bone pain is like no other. It really does feel like an elephant has sat on my body and crushed every bone.
My sister is pretty much staying with me full time and helping me out. I am very appreciative of this because she just does things without me asking and makes sure things around the home are taken care of in addition to preparing my meals and giving me my Lovenox shots. We head on in to Kaiser in South San Francisco for my 9:45am appointment. I check in and wait to be called. I see on my receipt that I've been assigned Nurse Clarita. My nurse calls me back and I tell my sister to join me as the infusion should only take an hour. Clarita asked me if I had my port placed and I frown, breaking the news to her that the radiologist had found a blood clot while I was on the table and it was too dangerous to proceed. I told her that there was another option that they were going to try on me which is a midline catheter. I sit in my comfy recliner and Clarita takes a look at my arms. She places a warm towel on my left hand. I am silently praying to God to give Clarita the guidance to stick me with the needle on the first try. I look away as she inserts the needle and it's a success!
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| Success! IV in on the first stick! |
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| Setting IV in place. |
I tell Clarita how awesome she is as it is a chore trying to find my veins. Head nurse Cynthia comes over and double checks my medication and identify with Clarita as Clarita hooks me up to my Aredia. Cynthia asked me what happened with my port. I tell her about the blood clots and ask her if she is familiar with a midline catheter. I had received clarification from my oncologist that a midline is neither a PICC line nor a port. Cynthia explains to me that a midline is very similar to a PICC, in which the end of the catheter will be sticking out of my arm. I will need to come in for weekly dressing changes and have it flushed also at that time. I'm not too excited about this as she tell me more about the midline. Chemo nurses are a great source of knowledge. I tell them that this is my best option since my veins are getting harder and harder to find and because I cannot get a port at this time. The midline catheter will be inserted in my upper arm and go in towards my chest but will not go near my superior vena cava, which is where the port catheter does and that is a problem for me and my blood clots. I'll need to cover my arm with plastic wrap when I shower and I won't be able to submerge my arm in water. This means no pools or hot tubs for me. I'm a little bummed out about this since it's the summer and I wanted to start hitting up the pool (my apartment pool has been under renovation and will open up 4th of July). If I have to choose and make a small sacrifice, I'll take it. I really do hate getting stuck with needles when it takes multiple tries to finally get an IV started or to draw blood. Having this midline means that all my chemo will go through here as well as accessing my blood for blood draw.
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| Nurses teaching me about the midline catheter. |
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| This is what my midline will look like. |
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| Pushing my lovely machine to the bathroom. |
The infusion is over after an hour and my sister and I head over to the Tanforan mall which is a mile down the street from the hospital. I had to stop by Target and return something and then we headed to the food court to get something to eat. We pick up some Korean food and I always order more food than I can eat. I figure I can always eat the rest later but I am pleasantly surprised that I made a good dent in my plate. My sister runs to the car to save our left overs and then we head on upstairs to the movie theater. We are planning on watching Magic Mike.
My review on Magic Mike.
It was nice to get out of the house and enjoy myself. While watching the movie, I felt completely normal and I didn't feel like I had cancer. I love it when I feel that way. No nausea, no pain. Just complete happiness and a lot of hope. That weekend, my sister and her boyfriend went away overnight so it was just me and the cats at home. I had my friend Taylor stop by Saturday to give my Lovenox shot. I had slept most of the day off so at around 8pm, I started watching television shows On Demand. I discovered Take Me Out and The Choice which air on Fox and those shows had me cracking up. Something about watching them made me want to put on a nice dress and heels. They are both dating shows and it made me think about how I miss dating. I wish I felt healthy enough to date. While I barely still do text a couple of guys from the dating website I was on, I haven't been proactive in setting up a time to meet. Lately it's been a roller coaster managing my pain. I think I've been in denial about how much pain I'm in. I want to feel like super woman and try to get away with not taking any morphine but when I finally just take it like I'm supposed to, I notice that I do feel better. I feel like being dependent on pain meds means that I'm admitting that I'm weak and that my cancer is winning. I know that these are distorted thoughts. I'm just so hard on myself when it comes to winning. And my breathing hasn't been so great lately. Dr. Haq had warned me that the fluid in my left lung could quite possibly return and that there was nothing that I could do to prevent this. Similar to my ascites, I could feel that the fluid was returning. I don't have shortness of breath but I do notice that after climbing the stairs to my 2nd floor apartment, I am winded. When I lay on my back at night to sleep, I feel as though something is weighing down my chest. I'll have to ask my oncologist if I can go in for an x-ray to see how much fluid has accumulated in my lung. Aside from these issues, I just don't feel like I can give someone 100% in a relationship. I can have fun and date, but anything long term (or short term for that matter) is not for me. I am just very grateful that I don't feel lonely or the need to have a boyfriend. I'm just not interested in it and I have of friends and family who will hang out with me. And without hopefully not sounding like a cat lady, I have Molly and Dash who really do complete my life. With them, I am truly never lonely.
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| Dash (in stripes) and Molly, my two loves. |
