The Hair Cut

I wanted to write about losing my hair, as I had no idea how it was going to be and I couldn't find any detailed accounts on how I should approach shaving my hair off.  Here is my story.

My first chemo infusion was on January 30th, 2012 and I knew that the side effects would cause me to lose my hair.  I loved my hair.  I mostly only styled it on the weekends and kept it simple during the week by sporting a pony tail.  This is what I had to say goodbye to.

I was told to expect hair loss about 3 weeks after my first chemo.  And boy were they right.  The weekend before I started chemo, I made an appointment to see my wonderful stylist, Tanya.  I wanted to cut my hair short so I could gradually get used to my hair changing and I also wanted to donate it before the chemo went into my system.  Tanya did an awesome job giving me a cute little cut.

My hair I donated to Locks of Love.

About 2 1/2 weeks after chemo, I had a tingly feeling in my scalp.  I was later told that this sensation is the hair follicle opening and closing.  When I would take a shower, I noticed I was losing a lot of hair.  When I would run my finger through my hair, I notice I was losing more and more strands. 

It was a Thursday when I started pulling on strands of my hair and I noticed they were just falling out.  I knew I wanted to shave my head and I was mentally preparing myself for this.  I knew that time was getting closer.  By Friday night, I pulled on more strands of hair and it just fell out with ease.  I told myself that I would shave it the following week.  I woke up the next day Saturday and I remember being in the bathroom and grabbing a good sized chunk of strands and tugging on them.  My hair just fell out.  My heart dropped and started to race.  OMG.  My hair is falling out.  I immediately texted my friend, Janet, and told her I needed to shave my hair off immediately.  I was really going to do this.  I hadn't prepared myself with any wigs, hats, or scarves, so I grabbed one of the few hats I had.  I made the 20 minute drive down to her and picked her up.  We drove over to Great Clips.  There were men sitting in chairs waiting for their hair cuts.  I walked up to the desk and the lady asked me what service I needed.  I'd like to shave my hair off, I said.  Excuse me? She said.  I need to shave my hair off; I'm undergoing chemo, I replied.  She checked me in and we sat in the chairs.  Within minutes, I was called over to the hair cutting station.  The man asked me what I needed and I told him I'm undergoing chemotherapy as I took a chunk of hair and pulled it off my head.  He suggested I go with a 1 on the clippers.  I agreed as I had no idea what I was doing.  He turned the clippers on and started to work.  I closed my eyes and tears started rolling down my face.  I wasn't crying because I was losing my hair.  I didn't care about that.  I knew it would grow back.  I cried because losing my hair was making my cancer journey more real.  I have cancer.  I'm losing my hair.  I have cancer? Yes, that's my reality.  He snuck some tissues into my hand.  When I was done, I opened my eyes and my hair was gone.  I had a shaved head.  Janet handed me my hat and I put it on.  I've never done this before.  I'll never forget you, the stylist said to me.  It touched my heart.  I went to go pay and he shook my hand.  We headed on out, I dropped Janet off as she had to go to work, and I headed home.  More tears rolled down my face.  

First pic I took after I shaved my head.

That afternoon my brother and his wife and kids arrived from Washington state.  Luckily my sister-in-law had knitted me some little hats and I was totally comfortable wearing those.  I had not been prepared for this.  I went to my closet and found some of my old winter scarfs.  I folded them neatly and they fit my head.  One thing I wasn't prepared for was the stubble that was falling off my head as it rubbed against my hat.  It was falling into my shirt and causing me to itch.  I needed to shave my head closer and I didn't know who to ask.  My dad gave my brothers hair cuts growing up so I could ask him to do it but I didn't want to cry in front of him.  I wasn't ready for ANYONE to see my shaved head but I felt comfortable asking my sister-in-law to do it.  We went into the bathroom and she shaved my head down to a zero.  Much better. 

The following week, I decided to order some wigs.  At first I thought I was just going to do scarves and hats but I realized that I wanted to blend in a little more with the rest of the crowd so I went with wigs, too.  I went to the American Cancer Society website and they linked me to their TLC site that sells hair loss accessories.  I ordered 2 wigs.  One was a keeper, the other one wasn't.  Luckily, I was able to return it for a full refund.  The wigs are synthetic hair and extremely affordable, about $40 each.  

About a week or two after I shaved my hair off, I decided to go even further and shave my hair off with a razor.  I had went into the bathroom and started to work on my head.  I couldn't see the back of my head, so I had my little brother who was visiting, finish the back for me.  It actually felt very cool.  It was weird.  I hadn't been this bald since I was in utero.  If I had to do it all over again, I would have shaved my head down to a zero then finished it off with a razor.  

It took me about a month to finally gather the courage to take a pic of my bald head and share it with my Facebook family.  

I was definitely not ready to go out in public with a bald head, and to this day I'm still not, but I have no problems sharing pics of my bald head or walking around my apartment bald with my friends and family.  I only experienced hair loss on my head.  None of the hair on the rest of my body fell out.  I was happy to keep my brows and lashes.  And just a FYI, my chemo cocktail that caused my hair loss is Epirubicin, Cisplatin, and Xeloda.  My hair started to grow back but I noticed it was very thin and spotty, not growing all over my head.  It looked very fuzzy to me.  So when my sisters came to visit in mid April, I had them help me shave it off one more time.  Today, 3 weeks later, I'm having awesome hair growth.  I'm not sure why chemo causes hair to fall out initially only to grow back during treatment. I can tug on my hair and it is stuck on my head.  I'm going to ask my doctor about his.  And I've decided not to shave it off anymore.  I'm going to let it grow long!

Three weeks worth of hair growth! 

I currently have 6 synthetic hair wigs in rotation. I like being able to take a quick shower, do my make up, and slip on a wig.  I'm ready in no time.  Being bald is really not that bad.  When I'm out in public, no one stares at me.  You can't tell I'm wearing a wig and I've actually gotten compliments on my hair cut. I'm having so much fun with the wigs.  There is a lab tech over at the Kaiser in San Mateo that I like confusing with different hair styles.  We joke around about it.  

I'm trying to gather the courage to debut my bald head.  I'm not ready to walk around the grocery store bald, but I'd like to start off by going to my next chemo appointment (which is this Tuesday, May 15th) without my wig on.  And I'd wear my Wonder Woman shirt.  What do you think???

Expiration Dates

Sometimes I wonder if my life would be easier if I just had an expiration date stamped on the bottom of my foot.  There are so many unknowns.  Do I sit here and listen to statistics?  Do I listen to what my oncologist thinks my prognosis is?  Or do I choose hope?  Do I choose to believe that only God knows what my destiny will be?  It's taken so much to choose to be happy.  To choose to have hope.  To believe that my life is in God's hands.  But how do I deny that there is no cure? I know that doctors can be wrong and that people beat cancer everyday but am I delusional to believe that I will be the last man standing?

It's hard to think that you only have so much time left.  It's still hard to this day, even after all the pep talks I've given myself about not giving up hope.  I push it out of my mind and tell myself that I can do this.  But you know what, I'm not going to think about any of that.  I'm just going to live my life day by day.  I'm going to fight cancer with everything that I've got.  I'm not going to quit.

This evening I met with a friend of mine, Dennis.  I met Dennis a couple of years ago through my work.  He is super easy to talk to, always happy, and has a great sense of humor.  Last year, I created tension in our friendship and we didn't talk as much anymore.  Then after I got diagnosed, I sent him a text telling him I was sick.  He acknowledged me but we didn't really keep in touch.  A couple of days ago, I was thinking about him.  I missed him.  He was a good friend to me.  I sent him a text, a smiley face.  He sent one back.  I told him I was still alive!  I wanted to see him and we made plans to meet Wednesday night.  After he got off of work, he told me to meet him at a Starbuck in South San Francisco.  I put my best wig on and head out.  I made it to Starbucks and he came out to my car.  We just sat in my car talking.  He asked me about my journey.  He kept telling me how surreal it felt.  I know, I told him. You take one look at me and you would never believe that I'm a stage IV cancer patient.  I wish I could tell you just kidding, I said, but I can't.  Dennis made me laugh.  He made my heart smile.  I still have those old feelings for him, the ones I had when I first met him.  But this darn cancer is in the way.  I know Dennis will always be my friend and will be here in my journey, but I can't help but to feel robbed and cheated of my future.  There's that expiration date lurking again. Sometimes I just don't know how to shut the idea out of my head.  But I have to treat it like every other scary emotion that I feel.  I have to know that the feelings are temporary and that they will pass.

I feel great.  I look great.  I'm kicking butt.  So how can anyone tell me when my expiration date will be?  It's like a pill.  A pill with my expiration date on it.  And it's in my mouth but I won't swallow it.  I refuse to.  I won't.

So take a look at the girl below and you tell me if she looks like she's sick.  I don't think she's dying...she's just living with cancer until she can kick it for good!

I realize that a lot of my readers are not on my Facebook and I wanted to start sharing my videos here.  I want you all to see that I am happy and that I'm not forcing it or faking it.  Enjoy!