Let me start off by saying that this is my 50th blog entry and how much I've enjoyed sharing my journey with all of you. Blogging has been a great way for me to share my true feelings about how I've felt through this process. I want you all to get a glimpse of what a cancer patient feels emotionally, not just physically. I also want to inspire and encourage you all to never give up when you are faced with a challenge. Lastly, I want to network with cancer warriors, survivors, families, and anyone affected by this nasty illness. If I can do that for at least one person, then I am one happy camper.
Dash stole my spot in bed.
Last week, my scalp was feeling tender and I knew the day that I needed my hair shaved off was soon approaching. Sunday, I woke up and I just knew it was the day. My scalp was hurting me so bad. I wanted to massage it but I knew I'd only be pulling out hair with each stroke. I was in bed up until about lunch time before I decided to go into the living room. I had gotten up to get something and Dash swooped up into my bed and stole my spot. Since it's a twin bed and he was laying in the middle of it, there was no room for me. I didn't want to move him so I just went to my recliner in the living room. My dad was watching TV and I got the remote. I changed it to Keeping Up With the Kardashians as payback for him making me watch his western movies and Spanish novellas. After two episodes I did change it back to a movie we could both enjoy. My mom made me Mexican rice and salmon for lunch. I haven't been having the best appetite lately. I've noticed that it's been declining so any craving I get, I ask for it. My mom is also pretty good at asking me what I want to eat and not just making things I might not be in the mood for. After I ate, I went back to my recliner and watched more TV with my dad. I pulled a chunk of my hair out and showed it to him. I told him I was ready for him to shave my hair off later. Growing up, my dad used to give all my brothers their hair cuts. Now he would be giving his daughter a hair cut. I had to wait for my sister to arrive as I wanted her to film the process. Finally at about 5:30pm, she arrived and I waited for her to have dinner before we headed off to the bathroom with clippers in hand.
Getting ready to shave my hair.
I set up a chair in the bath tub and my dad had the clippers in hand. I could tell he was really hesitant to shave my hair off. I had my sister start the video camera and my dad started up the clippers on zero. I didn't cry. In fact, I was glad to see it go. I was so tired of the tender scalp. Chunks of hair rolled off my head. I have very thick hair and was surprised to see how much I have. When my dad was done, I got a razor ready to shave the stubble off. I did this because if I wear a knit hat, the stubble rubs against it and the little hairs will fall into my clothes making me itch. I learned this from the first time I lost my hair. My dad didn't want to do this part so I started it off by putting shaving gel on the front of my head and shaving away. I think my dad was afraid to do it because he didn't want to cut me. I'm on blood thinners so I bleed longer than usual, which was his fear. I'm also prone to infection. The entire time I was shaving my head, everyone was piping in and telling me how to do it. I started to get annoyed because none of them had ever shaved their heads before. I was the one who had done it before. I was no expert but I knew what I was doing and I also had years of leg shaving experience. Then it was time to do the back of my head and so I had my sister do it. I could tell she had a light hand and was leaving a lot behind so when she was "done" I went over it again with a mirror in one hand. I had my mom check the back of my head and go over any spots I missed. Finally, I had a nice, smooth, bald head. Never did I cry at any point. There was no shock to seeing myself bald. It was more of a "this better be worth it" type of emotion.
My mom helping me shave the last of it off.
I had immediate relief of my tender scalp. It was amazing how it didn't hurt anymore. Guess my hair just really wanted off of my head. I think it was harder for my dad to see me bald than for my mom. My mom spent the first few months of my journey taking care of me and so she was here when I was first bald. My dad on the other hand was up at home and when we were together, I always wore wigs or scarves. I was very shy back then about showing anyone my bald head.
I know that my health is not what it used to be and that it has drastically declined, but I want to make it clear that I am feeling good and very much alive. I am NOT on hospice! I may not be able to do cart wheels but I can still dance. As long as I keep on top of my pain meds, take my Lasix like I'm supposed to for my belly fluid, and have my pleural cavity drained 2-3 times a week, I'm doing ok. I'm a little anxious for my eyebrows and eyelashes to fall out and I've been seeing that I'm losing several lashes a day. If I do wear make up, I'm going to have to avoid mascara otherwise it will tug on my lashes and I'll lose them faster. My oldest brother will arrive this Friday and he's bringing me my new knit cat hat which I'm so excited to get. Until then, I think I'm going to rock the bear hat. I see my oncologist on Thursday and I have another round of Taxol on Friday. I don't think I'll have a problem taking off my bear hat while at the infusion center to show all the nurses my new hair cut. They are all so lovely and I'd like to share this with them. I am not my hair. And I'm glad that I have a decent shaped head to pull this look off. I just wish there weren't any stares. I know they are bound to happen. And if when they do, I'd love people to ask me so I can get some stomach cancer awareness out there. Oh and something that just popped into my head, November is Stomach Cancer Awareness Month! We're going to have to plan something special! Perhaps a walk? Check out www.nostomachforcancer.org for details! Let's show our periwinkle pride!
