It's Wednesday and I'm headed in to Kaiser South San Francisco with my sister for chemo #7. I pack my lap top with me, hoping that will keep me entertained. My blood work from the day before revealed that my potassium level was low so my oncologist ordered a couple of pills for me to take. That morning, I took tons of anti nausea.
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| All the pills I take the day of chemo. |
I also wanted to mention that I had picked up a new plastic sleeve to cover my midline with for when I shower, at the pharmacy. It's like this huge garbage bag with bungee cords at the ends. After using it for a while now, it doesn't work very well. The Press'n Seal works much better. I got out of the shower the other day and when I took off the plastic sleeve, all this water came running out. Luckily, the bandage the nurse puts on my dressing is super water proof. Still need to keep it covered and out of water, but at least I know that water is not entering the midline.
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| My new plastic sleeve for showering. |
My sister drops me off at Kaiser and I tell her to pick me up in 6 hours. She is off to go shopping and what not. I check in and notice the receipt says that today Clarita will be my nurse. She calls me back shortly and leads me to the back. I tell her how excited I am to use my midline today. She sets me up in my recliner and hooks me up to some fluids and magnesium. I cannot tell you how great it was just to be hooked up to my midline and have no needle poke!
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| No needle poke! Chemo is infused through my midline! |
After an hour or so of fluids, Clarita confers with head nurse Cynthia about my Epirubicin. We hit a small bump in the road. Since we cannot get a blood return from my midline, we cannot administer Epirubicin through my midline. Darn it! Before Epirubicin is given, blood return must be confirmed. This way, the nurse knows that she is in the right spot. There is a possibility that if they administer Epirubicin through my midline, that they are in the wrong area and it could possible burn me and cause a reaction. To be safe, Clarita starts an IV on my right hand. The needle poke hurt, I admit, but I thanked my lucky stars that Clarita made it on the first try. This chemo drug is slowly pushed into the IV over about 10-15 minutes and that's it! We're done. Clarita removes my IV and bandages me up. There is a little bit of bleeding but I don't mind.
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| My IV for Epirubicin. |
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| Nurse Clarita administering Epirubicin. |
Next up is my Cisplatin and Clarita just hooks it up to my midline and I infuse away. I have my lap top out and I'm poking around on Facebook when all of a sudden I see two sweet little faces. It's Wednesday and that means Cricket and Ginger are making their rounds at the infusion center. Cricket jumps up on my lap and I pet her fiercely. I love pet assisted therapy! Let's me get my dog fix and away from Molly and Dash who would be jealous if they knew I was petting a dog.
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| Cricket and I. |
The rest of chemo is fairly uneventful. My neighbor next to me is having a conversation with her husband and he is speaking loudly. I'm actually trying to take a nap and it's disturbing me. People need to learn chemo chair etiquette. Use headphones while watching TV. No smelly food. Use indoor voices. And absolutely no perfume or cologne. Just a few things people should keep in mind whether they are the patient or a visitor. Finally, shortly after 4pm I am released and my sister picks me up. My sis asks if I want to pick up any food on the way home and I tell her no, I just want to get home and nap. We get home and I quickly change into my pajamas and I head to bed. I take a nap and my sister wakes me up later around 10:30pm to remind me of my final dose of pills for the night and my Lovenox shot. Chemo brain is in full effect and I am feeling puffy. I am confused. When I get up to go to the bathroom, I am running into walls. I was really glad to have my sister there because I was not in the right frame of mind and I would have slept until morning. The next day, I'm still puffy and feeling just a little bit of nausea but luckily there is no vomiting. I plan on staying in the apartment for a few days as I know going outside will just make me dizzy. I had gained 7 lbs of fluid during chemo so now I have 15 lbs to rid my body of. I start taking my diuretic and every 15 minutes I'm going to the bathroom. I come up with this bright idea to shop online at Target for swim suits and I somehow put my items in my shopping cart and pay, only to realize later that I bought 3 pairs of swim bottoms and no tops. It's the chemo brain I tell you! So no more online shopping while chemo brain is in full effect. I'm also waiting for Dr. Haq's office to call me with an appointment for my thoracentesis. The pleural effusion is making it hard for me to breathe as well as all the pressure in my belly from my ascites. Lasix cannot work fast enough! Another thing that I notice is that I am very cranky. I try to sleep most of the day off but my sister comes in to remind me that I need to eat something and my appetite just is not there. I hear from other warriors that they also get cranky after chemo and I wonder if it's chemo or perhaps the steroid (Decadron) that I think. I will have to ask my oncologist about this. Even Molly and Dash were getting on my nerves. I felt so bad for Molly as she only wanted to comfort me and I just wasn't having any of it. Thursday evening, my sister gives me my Neulasta shot which will boost my neutrophils. I forget to take Tylenol and Claritin D to prevent bone pain but luckily I didn't have any.
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| My midline bled on me! |
I woke up Friday morning and everything was fine. I go to the kitchen and weigh myself, checking the progress of my Lasix, and return to bed. I suddenly look at my arm and see a bloody mess (pictured above). It wasn't there when I woke it. At least I don't remember seeing it. Even the comforter is soaked in blood. I immediately call the oncology center and ask if I can come in to get the dressing changed. I have a 10:30am appointment so I get up and get ready. My sister and I head on in and Nurse Cynthia takes care of me. I find it ironic that my midline bled since it wouldn't give us a blood return when we needed it to. It's just something that happened. Not sure why.
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| All cleaned up now. |
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| Nurse Cynthia to the rescue! |
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| Nurses Clarita and Marita showing concern. |
Cynthia does impeccable work and I'm all patched up and ready to go. I spend most of the weekend in bed and when I wake up on Sunday, I am not feeling well. I take my pills as usual, including anti-nausea, but this doesn't help. I try to breathe deeply and lay in bed. I'm still taking Lasix and it is doing a great job of relieving the fluid in my belly. I'm actually now back to my normal weight. By 3pm, I haven't eaten anything all day and I'm still feeling woozy. My appetite has been shot since chemo and nothing sounds good to eat and I just couldn't even bring myself to eat. I'm feeling sick. I run to the bathroom and I start to vomit. It's not often that I vomit, but when I do, it's just horrible. It won't stop and I'm stuck in the bathroom for a few minutes. I know I'm dehydrated, too. I get back in bed and I'm miserable. So much that I contemplate in my head that maybe I should go to the ER, but I really hate that place and I tough it out until the next morning when I can head on in to the infusion center for fluids. Somehow I make it through the night and first thing in the morning, I call in to oncology and ask if I can come in for IV anti-nausea and fluids. I go in at about noon and they hook my midline up to the machine. I lay reclined with blankets on me as I'm so cold. I take a nap and my sister waits patiently nearby in a chair.
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| Getting fluids. |
We head home after about 2 hours and I still have no appetite. I am feeling better but I know that I have to eat something. Nothing sounds desirable. After hopping on the scale, I realize that I have lost 20 lbs since chemo. That is a lot of pressure off of my body and I'm so thankful. Again, I patiently wait for Dr. Haq's office to call me for my thoracentesis appointment. I make a mental note to call them that day. For now, I have no idea how to get some nutrition in me and thankfully, another warrior takes me under her wings and advises me on a few simple things to try out. First, ice chips. It's not much but it's hydration and it works. Then I try a popsicle. It may be sugar free and 15 calories but I eat one and I keep it down. No vomiting! I call on over to Dr. Haq's office and the medical assistant tells me that Dr. Haq is on vacation until tomorrow and she has left a big note on his desk about me. She says she'll call tomorrow. I was able to down another popsicle that evening.
Tuesday comes and my sister and I speak about who will be my caretaker while she is out on vacation starting that Friday. I ask my cousin from LA if she would like to come hang out with me and she agrees. Arrangements are made for my cousin to fly in that evening. I decide to venture out and I drive myself to Taco Bell where I order a bean burrito. It took me about 4 hours but I ate the whole thing and I was so happy that I was able to eat solids. Finally at about 3pm, I spoke with Dr. Haq's medical assistant who tells me to arrive at the Orchid Center at 8:30am tomorrow for my thoracentesis. Having a catheter shoved into your back is no fun but I am super happy as not being able to breathe is worse.
I have to be honest. My journey started in January of this year and the first 4 months of treatment were a breeze. Piece of cake. I responded nicely to chemo and then suddenly, things just got worse. It was around the time I went to Seattle for Memorial Day to visit family that I started to get sick. I was on a 2 week break from chemo and my cancer started growing. Bastard. Ever since then, I feel like I have gradually been getting worse. Even though my chemo doses are reduced from when I first started, I seem to be having a hard time now with chemo. I have more bad days than good, it seems, and even though I get discouraged a lot, I keep going. Sometimes when I'm alone, I allow myself to cry. I'm not feeding into my cancer. I'm allowing myself to feel a normal emotion. Sometimes I cry because I'm tired of feeling pain and nausea. Sometimes I cry because I'm sad that I have cancer and that it's terminal. But for some reason, I keep fighting. I'm doing this for myself, my family, and my friends. I deserve to get the most out of life and the most time I can get. I feel like I'm walking along and cancer will just come up behind me and trip me. My face falls flat on the ground in a puddle of mud. It's frustrating, but I will not let cancer get the better of me. I know that good days are ahead, I just have to be patient and wait for them. It has now officially been 6 months since I stopped working and started my journey. It is crazy and scary. I feel like the clock is ticking and there's nothing I can do to slow it down. It makes me angry sometimes. But I just have to savor each day and live it the way I want to. One thing that has kept me going is hope. It's not always sunshine, rainbows, gum drops, and baskets of kittens. There are a lot of dark days. But hope is what I have. I'm hoping they find a cure soon. But if they don't, that's ok...someday they will. This is just my life and how it is written out. I can't be angry and I don't want to waste my time being angry. I just want to "use my time wisely" as my 5th grade teacher would say. That mostly includes spending time with my loved ones. It's tough being a cancer patient but at the same time, I have to feel blessed for the life that I have lived and the life that remains inside of me.
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| Molly passed out on my pillow as I recover from chemo. |
