Chemo Infusion #5, Wednesday May 30, 2012

I flew back in from Seattle on the 29th of May.  I spent a lot of time at the airport in Portland, where I had a layover, because SFO was delaying flights coming in due to weather.  I was supposed to arrive at 10am but didn't get in until around 2pm.  My mom and brother were on another flight coming to the Bay Area with me.  They were delayed as well but we got in around the same time.  My friend Taylor picked me up from the airport and I had him drive me straight to the Kaiser in South San Francisco so I could get my pre chemo blood work.  My blood work came back all good and I was set to do chemo the next day.

I had my little brother drive me to my chemo appointment which was at 9:15am.  I didn't pack anything with me this time.  I figured I would sleep and play on my phone.  This time I had Beth as my nurse.  I really like Beth.  She is super nice.  She hooked up my IV and started my fluids.  Then I got my Epirubicin and Cisplatin.  She also squeezed my Aredia treatment in, which is for my bones, since I get that every 4 weeks and I was due for it.  I was in the chair again for 6 hours.  I wore my Wonder Woman shirt and nothing on my head.  I displayed my short hair proudly.

Nurse Beth putting the IV in

Chilling in the chair

Epirubicin time!

I figured this was a typical chemo, although my oncologist had reduced the dosage since my counts from the 14th had showed my immune system was too low, and I went home as usual.  I had my brother take me to Jamba Juice on the way home and I picked up a smoothie with a protein shot.  I got home and snuggled up into bed.  I decided to take some Ativan to knock me out so I could nap.  I don't know what happened while I was asleep but I woke up feeling like CRUD! I had a really bad case of chemo brain.  This is real.  My mind was so foggy.  And when I would get up to go to the bathroom, I would run into walls and was off balance.  At one point, I didn't even make it to the bathroom in time and wet my pants.  I felt so miserable.  I didn't understand why the chemo was hitting me so hard.  I had not experienced this in my previous infusions.  The video at the top, I had created that night.  I cried a lot being in pain.  I felt like giving up at one point.  All I could do was take pain medication and sleep, hoping that the next day I would feel better.  Thursday was a bit better but I was still miserable.  I called Fidelity to see if I could withdraw my 401K money but I couldn't. It's stuck in there.  That was discouraging.  I don't know why I was worrying about finances the day after chemo.  That was just a bad idea.  By afternoon time, I took some more Ativan to help with my nausea and to just put me to sleep.  The chemo brain was still in full effect and I wasn't eating much.  I had my little brother go to the smoothie place in the mall and get me something to sip on.  I had my moments where I was feeling ok but overall, I was having a hard time.  

Sunday rolled around and I was still feeling uneasy.  My sister had gotten everyone tickets to the comedy show for Gabriel Iglesias at the Improv in San Jose.  I wasn't feeling well enough to go so I had to stay home.  I was totally jealous when she had arranged for a Bentley limo to drive them to the show!  My sister was able to talk to Gabriel Iglesias and tell him that I was sick and unable to make it to the show.  He kindly gave my sister an autographed cardboard cut out for me. That was so nice of him!  He also made a video on her cell phone giving me a shout out.  

Mom and little brother with my autographed cut out in the limo.

By Sunday evening, I am still miserable.  I couldn't sleep because I felt like there was something pushing on my lungs.  I knew I had fluid in my belly that I had to get rid of.  I had to sleep on my side that night with lots of pillows propping me up.  Breathing was so uncomfortable.  I kept freaking myself out that maybe I should go to the ER but I wanted to wait it out.  If I could just hold out until 8:30am when my oncologist got to the office, I could call her and she would be able to advise me on what to do.  I really didn't want to spend $100 on the ER copay and the other issue was that my brother and mom were flying out in the morning so I didn't want to worry them by going to the hospital.  I didn't sleep much, but as soon as the clock turned to 8:30am, I called my oncologist and had the medical assistant tell her how I was in a lot of pain and to call me back asap.  

Seattle Trip May 22-29th

I was in Seattle May 22nd-29th visiting my family.  The plan was that I was supposed to do chemo #5 on May 15th and then I would take a week to recover then head out on my trip.  That didn't go as planned because my blood work on the 14th came back with my immune system being too low so we had to delay chemo by a week.  Since I already had my trip planned, my doctor said  I could resume chemo when I got back.  I figured being off of chemo for 2 weeks would allow my body to feel great as I wouldn't be taking Xeloda (oral chemo pills).  I was wrong.  The day I arrived in Seattle, I felt my belly getting big.  At this point I had been off of chemo for a week and apparently my ascites was acting up.  I had the pregnant looking belly going on.  You can see pics in a previous blog post, Belly Shots.   My doctor told me to take 40 mg of Lasix to try to rid my body of the fluid but I had a hard time taking Lasix because I was traveling and didn't have easy access to a bathroom.  When Lasix gets going, I pee every 10 minutes.  Can't do that when I'm on a car ride into Canada.  I opted to delay taking the pills so my belly just kept getting bigger and I was feeling extremely uncomfortable.  It was affecting my eating because I felt like the fluid was crowding my stomach and I couldn't fit much in there.

Pike Place

My first day in Seattle, my sister Maggie took me down to Pike Place.  I was so happy when we had falafels for lunch!  I only ate half so I got left overs for dinner.  We also hit up the Muckleshoot Casino where I got to play on the slots.  My brother in law tried teaching me his tricks because he kept winning and I kept losing.  I only lost $20 which is ok because I had fun.  I stayed at my sister's place that night and I got to meet her new kitten, Charlie.  Charlie is a 4 month siamese and she is sooooo adorable.  It wasn't until I met Charlie that I realized how much I really do love cats.  Charlie got to sleep with me and she tried nibbling my ears all night!  She is such an energetic little kitten.

Me and Miss Charlie

Wednesday night we were able to hit up a Sounders game.  It was so much fun!  There were so many people there and the energy of the crowd was amazing.  I was also able to meet up an old friend from high school. 

Sounders Game

Next on the list was a short 2 day trip to Canada.  I had never been to Canada before even though I grew up in WA and lived in Seattle for a couple years.  Getting into Canada was not fun as the border agents were a bit of jerks.  But once we got over that hump, we arrived to our hotel in Surrey.  One of the things that we were able to do in Canada was go to the Capilano Suspension Bridge.  It is a beautiful sight and it's surrounded by so many trees.  I of course had been battling nausea all week and it was scaring my stomach when we crossed the bridge.  It was so wobbly!  There were points where we would be on solid ground but my body felt like the ground was moving.  They also built a walkway along a cliff made of glass.  It was very cool but scary to think that only those little cables were holding it up.  

Walk way along the cliff

Capilano Suspension Bridge

We arrived back in Seattle that Saturday and my whole family was finally together.  It was the first time in YEARS that my parents and all of their 9 kids were under one roof.  My sister who lives with me in the Bay Area made a last minute decision to fly on up.  It does seem like I have a big family but it's really not that big, although it was tough finding enough beds for everyone to sleep in.  On Sunday my sister threw a bbq birthday party for her husband and everyone was invited.  My childhood friend, Muriel, was able to stop by and I was so excited to see her after all these years.  There was tons of delicious food and again I was dealing with my belly full of fluid and my appetite and tiny.  

The Campos Clan

 There were nights when I was in Seattle and I would lay in bed and cry silently.  It breaks my heart to know that in 10 years I won't be around for these reunions.  But what I do have is right now.  And that's why I'm so big on traveling.  I want to spend time with my family.  And I want them to come visit me.  I've been asked before if I would consider moving back and I think that I would.  If it came to a point where I'm on state insurance and chemo isn't working for me anymore, maybe I would go back to Seattle.  But I'm not sure.  Right now my life is here in the Bay Area and my doctors are here. My treatment is here. I'm super happy with how everything is going and I don't want to give that up.  I hate thinking about losing my independence.  I know my rent is high but I like living alone.  And Janet, my friend/niece, stays with me so she helps me out and makes sure that I'm still breathing.  I also have the option of moving in with my sister in Fremont but again, I have my treatment on this side of the Bay.  I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time and plan things around my chemo.  My Seattle trip was so precious to me and I'm glad that I went, even if it meant delaying chemo by a week.  I value everyone who takes the time to reach out to me, message me, hang out with me, call and check in on me.  I appreciate it so much.  But I am sometimes cautious about people's motives.  I want people to care for me because they genuinely care about me and not because they think that I'm dying.  Don't reach out to me because you want to feel better about yourself that you are friends with a cancer patient.  And I've said it before that it does hurt me that certain people have not reached out to me but it's ok and I really don't hold it against them.  I was texting someone the other day that I used to be very close to.  She apologized to me for not being vocal and not knowing what to say as she was having a hard time believing that I have cancer.  It made me think about what my life would be like right now had I not had cancer.  Where would I be?  I would probably still be that serial dater girl.  Cancer has taught me a lot about life and the value of relationships.  It's unfortunate that I had to learn that way but I really can't regret anything.  I've met so many awesome people throughout my journey.  I've connected with other warriors and caregivers.  People who know what I'm going through.  I just want people to know that it's never too late or awkward to say hello to me.  I've connected with my dear childhood friend, Rachel, recently and she has been this awesome support to me.  We text on a daily basis and it's not always about cancer, although I can really go to her with how I'm feeling that day and I won't scare her. 

I'm hoping that we find a cure for cancer soon.  I know that we're working on it.  And until then, I will continue to fight this demon head on with all my might.  I've learned just how tough I am being able to push through the pain.  I might complain here and there but I'm not giving up.