Today during session I had finally brought in my DNR (do not resuscitate) form to fill out. I also had my Advanced Healthcare Directive but I need to have a notary sign off on it. In the beginning of my journey, I was given these forms. It doesn't mean that I'm giving up or that I'm going to die. It's just something that I have to have in place. Everyone should really have them set up. We never know what's going to happen to us and how many of us can say that our loved ones would know exactly what we would want if we were to end up in the hospital unresponsive? I often think about the late Terri Schiavo and the ordeal her family had to go through. I would not want that to happen to me. If I was in a persistent vegetative state, let me go! So it's important for me to have a legal document in place that speaks for me when I don't have a voice. It's also important for me to discuss this with my family as to what I want. It's not the easiest conversation to have, but I think that I'm just going to write an open ended letter with my wishes. That way there's no question as to what I would want. It was very strange checking the boxes on the form and listening to my therapist as he explained what each one meant. I turned in my form and my therapist delivered it to my doctor who had to sign off on it and then it would be scanned into the Kaiser system. I have to keep a copy of it visible in my apartment just in case something happens and paramedics are called if I'm unresponsive. I know, not a fun topic of conversation but this is what I have to deal with. It's crazy.
Therapy is also a place for me to heal from my past. I have a lot of built up anger from this past year. I'm not happy with the choices that I made in dating and in "adopting grown men as my children." I will never understand how a grown ass man can just take money from a girl but I guess that's my fault. My mom always taught me that a man wasn't worth my time if I had to financially support him. And look. When the money ran out and I got sick, who got left holding the bag? It's funny how they walked out on me. I can only take it as a lesson and pray to God to find it in my heart to forgive. Mostly forgive myself. To not be so hard on myself. So in therapy I learn how to heal from my past. I can't change the things that I have done, I can only change now and going forward.
After therapy I stopped by Thaiger Kitchen in Burlingame and had my favorite dish, the pumpkin curry. Some people get weirded out by eating alone at restaurants but not me. I'm used to it. I just sat there and took my time eating my food. My stomach doesn't hold much food like it used to so I went extra slow to try to fit as much as I could. I also just wanted to savor the moment. To eat good food in peace.
Afterwards I decided to treat myself to a Pecanbon from Cinnabon. My eyes almost fell out of my head when I read it was 1,000 calories but I deserved to treat myself after last weeks chemo session. Took me all afternoon but I finished it proudly. I stopped by Sears on my way out of the mall and was poking around looking at dresses. I haven't worn a pair of shorts in public in years and I wasn't in the mood to try on capris. I figure I could wear dresses this summer to stay cool. I have a feeling that my wigs and I are going to have issues. My head gets so hot underneath them! I was able to find 4 dresses for about $15 each so I was pretty happy. I hope that one day I'm comfortable to go commando with my bald head. Right now I don't see that happening. I'm just too self conscious. All I want is to blend in with everyone else. That's why I wear wigs. You look at me and you can't even tell I have stage IV cancer. I don't look sick. And I love it. I fly under the radar.
Overall, I had a pretty good day. My cough is getting better and I wasn't in any pain today. I was so happy to see everyone posting pics of their Team Marta wristbands on my Facebook page. If I missed anyone, please add me on FB and message me your address and I will send you one out. I still do have a few left. It may seem silly but the way that I see it is that I have this army of people behind me cheering me on and that positive energy just burns so boldly. Cancer really doesn't know who they picked a fight with.
