Expiration Dates

Sometimes I wonder if my life would be easier if I just had an expiration date stamped on the bottom of my foot.  There are so many unknowns.  Do I sit here and listen to statistics?  Do I listen to what my oncologist thinks my prognosis is?  Or do I choose hope?  Do I choose to believe that only God knows what my destiny will be?  It's taken so much to choose to be happy.  To choose to have hope.  To believe that my life is in God's hands.  But how do I deny that there is no cure? I know that doctors can be wrong and that people beat cancer everyday but am I delusional to believe that I will be the last man standing?

It's hard to think that you only have so much time left.  It's still hard to this day, even after all the pep talks I've given myself about not giving up hope.  I push it out of my mind and tell myself that I can do this.  But you know what, I'm not going to think about any of that.  I'm just going to live my life day by day.  I'm going to fight cancer with everything that I've got.  I'm not going to quit.

This evening I met with a friend of mine, Dennis.  I met Dennis a couple of years ago through my work.  He is super easy to talk to, always happy, and has a great sense of humor.  Last year, I created tension in our friendship and we didn't talk as much anymore.  Then after I got diagnosed, I sent him a text telling him I was sick.  He acknowledged me but we didn't really keep in touch.  A couple of days ago, I was thinking about him.  I missed him.  He was a good friend to me.  I sent him a text, a smiley face.  He sent one back.  I told him I was still alive!  I wanted to see him and we made plans to meet Wednesday night.  After he got off of work, he told me to meet him at a Starbuck in South San Francisco.  I put my best wig on and head out.  I made it to Starbucks and he came out to my car.  We just sat in my car talking.  He asked me about my journey.  He kept telling me how surreal it felt.  I know, I told him. You take one look at me and you would never believe that I'm a stage IV cancer patient.  I wish I could tell you just kidding, I said, but I can't.  Dennis made me laugh.  He made my heart smile.  I still have those old feelings for him, the ones I had when I first met him.  But this darn cancer is in the way.  I know Dennis will always be my friend and will be here in my journey, but I can't help but to feel robbed and cheated of my future.  There's that expiration date lurking again. Sometimes I just don't know how to shut the idea out of my head.  But I have to treat it like every other scary emotion that I feel.  I have to know that the feelings are temporary and that they will pass.

I feel great.  I look great.  I'm kicking butt.  So how can anyone tell me when my expiration date will be?  It's like a pill.  A pill with my expiration date on it.  And it's in my mouth but I won't swallow it.  I refuse to.  I won't.

So take a look at the girl below and you tell me if she looks like she's sick.  I don't think she's dying...she's just living with cancer until she can kick it for good!

I realize that a lot of my readers are not on my Facebook and I wanted to start sharing my videos here.  I want you all to see that I am happy and that I'm not forcing it or faking it.  Enjoy!