To Love or Not to Love

I'm working on writing about my experience in dating as a cancer patient but it's taking me a bit longer to put it together than I had hoped.  But I wanted to quickly write about something that is bothering me.  Today I was in one of the forums on the online dating site that I'm a member of.  I searched the threads by keyword "cancer."  I came across one post a guy had written about how he is single and newly diagnosed with cancer.  He didn't know his prognosis.  He wasn't sure if he should date or not.  Many people responded that he should take himself off the market and focus on treatment, that he didn't need the extra stress of dating.  My take on this is a little different.  I am a cancer patient.  Yes, being a warrior is my full time job right now.  But believe me, I need distractions just like the next person.  Last year, I was chasing down love with a bow and arrow.  I mean, that's why I started this blog, to chronicle my life as a serial dater.  I wanted so bad to find love and to get the ball rolling on making my way to getting married and starting a family.  Then cancer came into the picture and changed all of that.  Cancer took away my ability to ever have children by shutting down my ovaries.  Alright, that's ok.  In the beginning when I was first diagnosed, I used to get angry and jealous when I saw pregnant women or women with strollers.  I felt like that precious ability had been taken from me and I never had a say.  But I'm really ok with it today.  Sure it would have been nice to have a little mini me but that just wasn't in my cards.  Back to my point.  Yes, focus on treatment, but if you feel up to dating, go for it.  I truly feel blessed that for the majority, I have felt great.  I'm open, honest, and upfront about my diagnosis so that I give the other person the option of whether they would want to date a cancer patient.

The other thing that disturbed me was a posting by a guy that had started dating a girl and a few dates later, she is diagnosed with cancer.  She pushed him away and ceased communication with him.  A year later, he sees her back online dating and contacts her.  They meet up and then low and behold, a short time later her cancer returns.  He said he didn't know what to do because he really likes her and he even said "she could die on me."  I jaw dropped when I read this.  Really?  She'll die on you??? This isn't about you.  I'm glad that people were responding to his post by saying that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  There's no denying what statistics say about my chances of survival.  But take into consideration that these rates are dated and most of the data comes from patients who are older and ran into other problems in conjunction to their cancer and died of those conditions, not the cancer itself. I am otherwise a healthy 30 year old if it was not for my cancer.  And I'm doing great.  So if American Cancer Society says that only 6% make it to 5 years, then that's me.  I am 6%.  You better believe it because I sure as hell do.  I don't want a guy not want to date me because he fears I might die and that will cause him pain.  I've experienced this before and yes, it hurt like hell.  In 2006, I had been dating a guy for a little under a year when he passed away unexpectedly.  It was so traumatic and I never thought I would get over it or fall in love again.  But with each passing day, my wounds started to heal.  If I knew he was going to die, I'd still love him all over again.

I do fear that in the event anything ever happened to me, I'm going to hurt those I love.  It's the reality.  My family will hurt, my friends will hurt.  Nothing is going to make it easier.  I appreciate the time everyone has made to come hang out with me.   It truly makes my heart fill up with joy.  I don't want anyone to ever be afraid to love me.  I promise I'm worth it.