I'm OK and I'm Not Lying

It's now Friday and I'm feeling good.  I had a rough past couple of days since my oncology appointment on Monday but Happy Marta is finally back.  It was discouraging that I couldn't do chemo on Tuesday but I try to find the silver lining in these situations and tell myself that at least I'll be feeling good being off of chemo for the next two weeks.   The anger and sadness still lingered in these past couple of days and I would find myself shedding tears at random moments.  I told my sister that chemo had been cancelled, as she was taking the day off to drive me to my appointment.  She asked me if I wanted to go to Yosemite instead and I jumped at the offer.  I needed a distraction.

I woke up on Tuesday morning and packed an overnight bag.  I remember crying in the shower.  I was still heartbroken over the fact that there is no cure for me.  I still had that mental checklist going off in my head of the things I will never be able to do.  I wondered if I would be around by the time the 49ers finished building their new stadium in Santa Clara.  I wondered if I would be around to ride BART (the train) from Fremont to San Jose.  It was hard trying to get my mind to stop from doing this.  I shouldn't focus on things that I won't get to do, but instead I should focus on what I can do.  I headed on over to Fremont, where my sister lives, and I arrived at her place.  We packed her car up and drove on over to Yosemite.  I'm not sure how long the car ride was but it didn't seem that long.  I brought a book with me and I listened to music on my iPhone.  Roughly 4 hours later (I looked it up), we arrived at Yosemite.  We were greeted by many trees.

We stopped along the way taking pictures and visited a pretty waterfall.  We had to hike up a little trail to get to it.  I switched into turbo mode and went on up.  I didn't complain or take breaks.  My lungs weren't feeling the best as I could tell my pleural effusion was acting up and I hadn't taken any codeine for this.  I've also been retaining quite a bit of fluid in my belly.  I have a diuretic, Lasix, which helps me get rid of this but I tend to not take it if I'm out of the house that day.  Obviously with traveling, it's harder to take a diuretic since I have to use the bathroom every 20 minutes and I'm out in the middle of nowhere.  The waterfall was gorgeous and it was misting us.  I had my fancy DSLR camera and I was afraid to get it wet but I got a shot of Bridalveil Fall.

We continued driving down the road and we took more pictures.  I was surprised by how many people were at Yosemite.  Thousands.  My mind boggled to think about how many photos are taken at Yosemite every year.  

That evening we stayed in a little motel in Mariposa.  My sister and her boyfriend headed out to dinner but I decided to stay behind.  I read my book but I will still feeling distracted by emotions.  In the morning, we headed out to a diner to have breakfast.  I heard my phone go off, notifying me that I had a voicemail.  I had to return a call to the insurance company handling my short term disability claim from my employer.  I returned the call and I started to cry.  I didn't want to say it out loud.  That I had terminal cancer.  The lady wasn't at her desk so they told me she would call me back.  I had ordered the stuffed french toast and I couldn't even enjoy it because there were knots in my stomach.  On our way back to the car, they called me back.  And I was fine.  I didn't cry.  The lady over the phone was extremely nice and just asked me questions about how I got diagnosed and about my income.  We got in the car and headed back home to the Bay Area.  I could feel my mood getting better and I wasn't so sad anymore.  I had just seen nature and it's beauty.  Many people won't get to experience that but I did.  

When we arrived back at my sister's condo, we unpacked the car and I headed out.  I stopped by the nearby shopping center and picked up a new shirt.  I headed back to San Mateo and I was so excited to see Molly and Dash.  Their innocent little faces always bring a smile to my face.  When I got home, I gave Molly a big hug.  Sometimes I think about the end of my journey and how that will affect Molly and Dash.  When I adopted them, I promised to love them and give them a forever home.  It saddens me so much to know that we won't get to grow old together. But I know that when the time comes, they will go live with my brother who is an avid animal lover.  I know he will take great care of them.  

Molly and Dash, my babies who captured my heart.

I could feel my spirit being lifted.  I wasn't feeling anger or sadness anymore.  I think just getting out there and experiencing life is what gets me through these tough moments.  I deserve to be happy and only I can make that happen.  I turned to some fellow warriors, who are also stage IV, in my stomach cancer support group for extra support.  They gave me words of encouragement and guidance.  Seeing them two years into the battle and thriving gave me hope.  I'm not going to die tomorrow, I had to remind myself, so I had to stop worrying about that.  It's the in between time that matters.  What am I going to do with it?  How am I going to spend that time?  I'm going to travel and hang out with cool people.  And along the way, I want to share my story, promote smiles, and inspire.  The odds can be against you, but it's not the end of the world. 

This morning I went to Kaiser in South San Francisco and met with my therapist.  I had scheduled an appointment with him on Monday because I needed extra support.  I needed time to gather my thoughts. Therapy for me is a safe place to talk about cancer without making anyone feel uncomfortable.  I was glad that I was able to spill my guts without crying profusely.  At times my eyes did well up with tears but there were no waterfalls.  I was proud of myself for that because it meant that the sadness was being acknowledged but not consuming me.  I would have to say that overall, today was a good day.  I felt pretty good mentally and physically.  

I posted this as my Facebook status this morning and I wanted to share it on my blog. 

Cancer. The first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. It consumes my day but I will not let it dictate my life. Happiness, encouragement, and inspiration are my daily goals. If I have given you that, then my job is done and I will do it all over again tomorrow.