I Feel Like Mush

I like to do my blog posts in order but I had to squeeze this one in.  I still have to blog about my Seattle trip and my Chemo Infusion #5.  I had chemo on Wednesday and let me tell you, it has kicked my ass.  Dr. R. reduced my dosing as my last blood counts had revealed that I was neutropenic.  But  don't have as much cancer as I did before so this is ok.  

When I got home from chemo, I was fine.  Feeling a bit swollen but nothing out of the usual.  It wasn't until the next next, Thursday, when I was running into walls.  It got to a point that I was so fatigued getting up out of bed that I was peeing my pants.  I had to take an increase of my Lasix to get the fluid out of me.  I even had a nice bruise on my knee because I ran into the wall.  I've never experience chemo brain before and it is totally weird.  I'm confused.  I type and the wrong letters appear.  It's actually quite frustrating.  And forget about eating.  I haven't been hungry at all.  I have been eating a little only because I have to but eating is not happening. Either is drinking fluid.  But again, I know I have to flush these toxins out of me but I am trying my best.  Earlier I was able to have some salmon and cake for dinner which was a big accomplishment for me.    Even was able to catch up on my DVR.  But it has been a big task.  I'm in so much pain and oxycodone is not helping. I think it's time I ask my doctor for something stronger.  Molly has been such a good girl laying beside me.  It's very comforting having her next to me.  I've tried smoking a little weed here and there to see if it helps with the nausea but it's not.  I prefer to take the Ativan and just pass out.  I'm hoping that in a couple of days I feel better but this SUCKS!!!  A few times I have debating going into the hospital because I'm just so over the pain and my shallow breathing but I tell myself that I can do this.  

Just wanted to update you all to let you know that cancer sucks.  I know everyone is out enjoying weddings, bbqs, and graduations and that is awesome.  I wish I could be out here living it up too but for now, everyone please have an awesome time for me.  Once I'm feeling better, I'll post my Seattle pics and blog about this last horrid chemo.  

The Effects of Chemo Brain

I had chemo #5 today and would love to blog about it but I am suffering from chemo brain.  Nothing I type come out right.  And I've been feeling so sick.  All I can do to update you on today's feelings is to create this short video for you.  Let's pray tomorrow is a better day.  Hopefully my I get a call from my oncologist.

Facebook Status of the Day:

My last night in Seattle. Must get up early for my 6am flight. This trip made me realize that I will never lose my battle against cancer. Although there is no cure and I will earn my wings one day, filling my life with beautiful people and experiences makes me a winner. I love my family, friends, and supporters dearly. Thank you all for helping me create a life worth living when it matters the most.

If I Could Stop Time For Just a Moment

I arrived in Seattle on Tuesday, May 22nd, and I leave next Tuesday the 29th. My parents were able to make the trip up here as well as all my siblings (my parents are still married).  There are 9 of us kids.  The oldest sibling is 41 and the youngest is 22, I am in 8th place.  My oldest brother, Carlos, is married with two kids, ages 11 and 8.  My sister Maggie is also married as well as my sister Claudia.  I'm sitting here at Claudia's house listening to my nephews yelling, the TV going on loudly, and my parents and brother laughing at conversation from the dining room table.  My brother is having a beer on the couch and my sister has the remote in her hand.  This is the first time in years that ALL of the siblings have been together.  Tomorrow is Claudia's husbands birthday party and we plan on taking lots of pictures. We'll also have the opportunity to take an updated family portrait.  The last time we took one I think I was about 8 years old.  I'm getting angry as I think about how cancer will take this all away from me, from my family.  I'm angry that I won't get to see my nephews learn how to drive.  I won't see them graduate high school.  I won't be here to in 5 years for these get togethers.  I'll be that missing piece of the puzzle.  The one who broke it.  All I can do is savor these moments.  I hate you cancer for picking me.  I hate you for doing this to my friends and family, especially my fellow warriors and caregivers. I freaking hate you.