Funny People

Cancer is one of those things that makes people act funny.  People never know what to say.  And sometimes the dumbest, most stupid things come out of people's mouths.  It's like...did you just say that out loud???  For example, I dated this guy a couple years ago and things didn't work out.  He disrespected me by calling me a few vulgar names in the beginning and I stopped talking to him.  Months later he contacted me trying to rekindle things and my dumb butt gave in.  What can I say.  I was either on drugs (I don't do drugs) or just had a really low self esteem.  Things were never the same.  I didn't feel the same about him anymore and the flame was just gone for me.  But I entertained his advances.  He's lives an hour away so if he wanted to see me, then he had to come to my town.  He would text me here and there and I would respond.  Then after I was diagnosed and he contacted me, I told me about my cancer.  A few weeks later, he sent me a text to check up on me.  At this point, I was very angry.  It's one of those popular emotions one gets as a cancer patient in the beginning.  I was angry because I felt cheated and robbed.  I expressed this to him and he told me, "You should feel blessed to have lived 30 years of your life as there are children with cancer who die everyday."  I told him to f*ck off.  He completely invalidated my feelings.  I should feel blessed that I'm dying????  Why don't I get to live to be 80 like every other human being???? He apologized to me but I never spoke to him after that.  He continued to text me every couple of weeks and I deleted them without responding.  Then he started to call me and leave me voicemails. Maybe I should have the courtesy to tell him that I want no contact with him but I figure he would cop a clue after not responding to his texts for almost 3 months now.  Just because I have cancer does not mean that I'm going to forgive everyone and let them into my life.  No.  The buck stops here.  I don't need negative or nasty people in my life.  I've learned to forgive myself but I don't forget what other people have done to me.

Another example is that date I went on a couple of weeks ago.  I dated him last year but things didn't work out because I chose the bad boy over him.  I ended up paying for dinner and then when we were hanging out at my place, he was all trying to make out with  me and I wasn't having any of it.  I was tucking my lips in my mouth and cringing.  Dude could not cop a clue.  So he continued to text me and call me and I was just done and over him.  Again, I should have the common courtesy to tell him that I really don't want him in my life anymore, but I'm hoping he would have gotten the hint after not responding.  I finally had my friend tell him to back off after he kept calling.

I was asked recently how do I find the strength to fight cancer and keep going.  The person said that if they had cancer they would kill themselves.  It shocked me.  Never once have I thought about giving up and killing myself. I've had rough days where the pain is unbearable and I question why I am putting my body through this.  I just found it ridiculous.  I've had my fair share of "things you shouldn't say to a cancer patient."  Now when people say silly things, I just ignore them and have a good laugh about it later with my fellow warriors.  I know it's awkward and people just want to relate.  At one point, I kept getting messages from people who told me that they had a loved one who passed away from cancer.  It crossed my mind...does that mean death is inevitable for me??? But now, I've learned that people just want to empathize with what I'm going through.  And I can appreciate that.  Cancer is a nasty bastard.

I finally had enough of the whole online dating thing and I deleted my profile yesterday.  What a huge relief.  I did get a lot of responses, many from men wishing me the best in my battle and others who were interested in talking with me. But there was one guy who said the wrong thing to me.

I don't know why someone in your position would come to a site like this and expose themselves to the public like this.

It was completely shocking to me.  Am I a leper???? It completely threw me off and angered me.  He went on and on giving me his unsolicited advice.  I ended up blocking him.  I didn't understand what I was exposing.  That I have cancer?  Oh well.  I was upfront and honest about it.  If people didn't want to date me, then don't hit the "send message" button.  I hold no ill will for people who are not interested in me for fear of getting hurt because of my prognosis.  I often wonder if I have the "easy job" of dying, since I'm not going to be left behind to feel the heartache and to grieve.

One thing I have to address is the weight loss cancer patients go through.  DO NOT tell me I look good because I've lost 40 lbs.  You can tell me I look good because I have a smile on my face.  When I was having symptoms but did not know I had cancer, it was a horrible experience.  I had no appetite, when I could eat I would maybe eat 1/2 cup of food, and I was lucky if I didn't vomit it.  I lost all my muscle tone and had no energy.  Cancer patients undergoing treatment are advised to maintain their weight, as I have.  Even though I would love to lose another 20 lbs, I can't.  And some cancer patients who were already at a healthy weight might lose additional weight causing them to be very thin.  Do not make comments to them about how lucky they are to lose weight.  It doesn't feel good!  I had one guy who I dated 3 years ago find me on the dating website, only look at my pictures, ignoring what I wrote on my profile, message me about how good I looked and to keep up the good work at the gym.  I messaged him back telling him that if he had read my profile, he would have learned that I had cancer and that is why I thinner.  It was just an insensitive thing to say.  I would rather be 40 lbs heavier if it meant that my diagnosis was a stomach ulcer rather than cancer.

Another goody is alternative treatment.  DO NOT tell us you know the cure for cancer.  DO NOT talk to us about conspiracy theories on how there is a cure out there but Big Pharma doesn't want to tell us because there is no profit in curing cancer.  We are going through enough as is and we do need the added pressure of someone telling us that we are doing it all wrong by choosing chemo.  Believe me, we do our research on alternative treatments and other things that can compliment our treatment but we don't need people who are not oncologist or hold PhD's piping in with their 2 cents.  You can research your little heart out on the internet, but that does not make you God.  I am a stage IV gastric cancer patient.  There is no cure.  I've accepted it and so should you.

I don't know why people act funny when it comes to cancer.  I know it's a difficult topic, but I wish people would not be as afraid.  I know that a lot of people are following my journey and I really do appreciate that.  But sometimes it hurts me to think about friends that I've known who haven't messaged me or acknowledged what I'm going through.  Maybe we lost touch and Facebook is the only thing that keeps us connected but the friendship doesn't have to be lost.  Last week I was contacted by an old childhood friend and it gave my heart so much joy to catch up with her.  It wasn't awkward at all.  And she has been really supported of me, allowing me to vent on her.  I just want people to know that it's not too late.  I've had a few old high school friends message me to tell me that although they aren't very vocal and they silently follow me from afar, they are thinking of me.  And I appreciate this so much!  But again, I hold no ill will towards anyone who hasn't connected with me. I just have to admit that it does hurt a little.

But I want to thank some people in my life that have truly shown me support and love.  Janet, for helping me out and making sure that I shower everyday.  Taylor, for coming by several times a week with my Starbucks and making sure that my garbage is thrown out.  Anthony, for making me laugh and helping me feel normal.  Jamie, for texting me funny pictures everyday that bring a smile to my face.  Mimi, for hanging out with me, lending me her ears, and giving me really good advice.  I could go on and on recognizing people but this post would become really long.  I truly do appreciate everyone who has interacted with me on Facebook and has offered their support to me.  We may have never met in person, but knowing that I have this huge support system has made this journey more bearable.

So people, quit acting funny.  Yes, I have cancer and I'm living with it...not dying.  I'm pretty much a normal girl and can still do A LOT of the things that I used to do.  We don't have to talk cancer, but it does tend to come up a lot.  I'm always willing to answer any questions people have.  Even though I'm going through this, it doesn't mean that I'm off limits to hearing other people vent.  I'm here to support you, too!

Oh and the best thing you can say to this cancer patient:  I'm sorry you're going through this.  I'll be (praying/sending you positive vibes) for you.

I'm OK and I'm Not Lying

It's now Friday and I'm feeling good.  I had a rough past couple of days since my oncology appointment on Monday but Happy Marta is finally back.  It was discouraging that I couldn't do chemo on Tuesday but I try to find the silver lining in these situations and tell myself that at least I'll be feeling good being off of chemo for the next two weeks.   The anger and sadness still lingered in these past couple of days and I would find myself shedding tears at random moments.  I told my sister that chemo had been cancelled, as she was taking the day off to drive me to my appointment.  She asked me if I wanted to go to Yosemite instead and I jumped at the offer.  I needed a distraction.

I woke up on Tuesday morning and packed an overnight bag.  I remember crying in the shower.  I was still heartbroken over the fact that there is no cure for me.  I still had that mental checklist going off in my head of the things I will never be able to do.  I wondered if I would be around by the time the 49ers finished building their new stadium in Santa Clara.  I wondered if I would be around to ride BART (the train) from Fremont to San Jose.  It was hard trying to get my mind to stop from doing this.  I shouldn't focus on things that I won't get to do, but instead I should focus on what I can do.  I headed on over to Fremont, where my sister lives, and I arrived at her place.  We packed her car up and drove on over to Yosemite.  I'm not sure how long the car ride was but it didn't seem that long.  I brought a book with me and I listened to music on my iPhone.  Roughly 4 hours later (I looked it up), we arrived at Yosemite.  We were greeted by many trees.

We stopped along the way taking pictures and visited a pretty waterfall.  We had to hike up a little trail to get to it.  I switched into turbo mode and went on up.  I didn't complain or take breaks.  My lungs weren't feeling the best as I could tell my pleural effusion was acting up and I hadn't taken any codeine for this.  I've also been retaining quite a bit of fluid in my belly.  I have a diuretic, Lasix, which helps me get rid of this but I tend to not take it if I'm out of the house that day.  Obviously with traveling, it's harder to take a diuretic since I have to use the bathroom every 20 minutes and I'm out in the middle of nowhere.  The waterfall was gorgeous and it was misting us.  I had my fancy DSLR camera and I was afraid to get it wet but I got a shot of Bridalveil Fall.

We continued driving down the road and we took more pictures.  I was surprised by how many people were at Yosemite.  Thousands.  My mind boggled to think about how many photos are taken at Yosemite every year.  

That evening we stayed in a little motel in Mariposa.  My sister and her boyfriend headed out to dinner but I decided to stay behind.  I read my book but I will still feeling distracted by emotions.  In the morning, we headed out to a diner to have breakfast.  I heard my phone go off, notifying me that I had a voicemail.  I had to return a call to the insurance company handling my short term disability claim from my employer.  I returned the call and I started to cry.  I didn't want to say it out loud.  That I had terminal cancer.  The lady wasn't at her desk so they told me she would call me back.  I had ordered the stuffed french toast and I couldn't even enjoy it because there were knots in my stomach.  On our way back to the car, they called me back.  And I was fine.  I didn't cry.  The lady over the phone was extremely nice and just asked me questions about how I got diagnosed and about my income.  We got in the car and headed back home to the Bay Area.  I could feel my mood getting better and I wasn't so sad anymore.  I had just seen nature and it's beauty.  Many people won't get to experience that but I did.  

When we arrived back at my sister's condo, we unpacked the car and I headed out.  I stopped by the nearby shopping center and picked up a new shirt.  I headed back to San Mateo and I was so excited to see Molly and Dash.  Their innocent little faces always bring a smile to my face.  When I got home, I gave Molly a big hug.  Sometimes I think about the end of my journey and how that will affect Molly and Dash.  When I adopted them, I promised to love them and give them a forever home.  It saddens me so much to know that we won't get to grow old together. But I know that when the time comes, they will go live with my brother who is an avid animal lover.  I know he will take great care of them.  

Molly and Dash, my babies who captured my heart.

I could feel my spirit being lifted.  I wasn't feeling anger or sadness anymore.  I think just getting out there and experiencing life is what gets me through these tough moments.  I deserve to be happy and only I can make that happen.  I turned to some fellow warriors, who are also stage IV, in my stomach cancer support group for extra support.  They gave me words of encouragement and guidance.  Seeing them two years into the battle and thriving gave me hope.  I'm not going to die tomorrow, I had to remind myself, so I had to stop worrying about that.  It's the in between time that matters.  What am I going to do with it?  How am I going to spend that time?  I'm going to travel and hang out with cool people.  And along the way, I want to share my story, promote smiles, and inspire.  The odds can be against you, but it's not the end of the world. 

This morning I went to Kaiser in South San Francisco and met with my therapist.  I had scheduled an appointment with him on Monday because I needed extra support.  I needed time to gather my thoughts. Therapy for me is a safe place to talk about cancer without making anyone feel uncomfortable.  I was glad that I was able to spill my guts without crying profusely.  At times my eyes did well up with tears but there were no waterfalls.  I was proud of myself for that because it meant that the sadness was being acknowledged but not consuming me.  I would have to say that overall, today was a good day.  I felt pretty good mentally and physically.  

I posted this as my Facebook status this morning and I wanted to share it on my blog. 

Cancer. The first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. It consumes my day but I will not let it dictate my life. Happiness, encouragement, and inspiration are my daily goals. If I have given you that, then my job is done and I will do it all over again tomorrow.

5/14/12 Follow Up Appointment With My Oncologist

My name is Marta and I have terminal cancer.  There.  I said it.  I can't sugar coat it any longer.  Please do not tell me that things are going to be ok.  What is ok?  That I'm going to be cured?  I'm not.  If you mean that I'm going to live a happy life, then yes, that is ok.  But I can't sit here and listen to the bull sh*t any longer.  Needless to say, I had a bad day.  And maybe I'm just in one of my moods, but damn it, I'm angry. I never said being a cancer patient was always going to be sunshine and rainbows.  These are my confessions.  And right now, I'm going to tell you exactly how I feel.  I can't listen to people tell me that none of know when our time is up.  Yes, I know that.  I can get hit by a car tomorrow and die.  You can get hit by a car tomorrow and die.  But most of us do not have to go through chemo and cancer.  I would rather live my life not knowing when I was going to die than to live my life having an idea of when my time was going to be up.  I feel like I'm living on borrowed time.  I'm angry.  I feel cheated and robbed of my youth.  Of my golden years.  You get to make plans.  You get to have dreams.  I do not.  All day I kept making a mental list of things that I will never get to do.  I will never have children.  I will never get married.  I will never go back to school and become a nurse.  I will never....the list is endless.  And the things that I get to do are limited.  Plus I have to get them done before my body starts deteriorating.  So I have every right to pull the cancer card.  If I want to meet Barack Obama, then I should get to.  If I want to swim with the dolphins in Mexico, then I should get to.  If I want to visit New York City, then I should get to.  As time passes by, it makes me closer to my expiration date.  I'm like a damn milk carton.  I have a stamp on me, but it usually lasts a couple of days after that, give or take.  And sometimes that date is completely wrong because maybe we left the carton out on the counter way too long and the milk goes bad.

I woke up at about 8:30am this morning and headed over to the lab at Kaiser in San Mateo.  I had to do my INR test and also my pre chemo blood work.  I was hoping and praying my numbers were good enough to proceed with chemo tomorrow.  Afterwards I headed home and rested for a bit before I started to get ready for my 1:30pm appointment with my oncologist.  I got the results back from my INR test.  This test checks to see how thick or thin my blood is since I am taking Coumadin.  I was at 2.6, which is awesome because we aim to be between 2-3.  I started to slowly get my results back from my pre chemo blood work.  I could tell that the liver function tests had come back normal but I couldn't decipher the rest.  I would just ask my oncologist.

I arrived to my appointment and checked in.  I had my vitals checked and I actually gained about 3 lbs since my last visit.  I think it was all that coffee I drank.  Plus I haven't been taking my diuretic so I'm retaining a bit of fluid.  I sat in the exam room waiting for my oncologist.

My oncologist came in and I was all smiles.  I shook her hand.  She sat down and started to ask me all the basic questions we always run through.  How was my breathing?  Any mouth sores?  Any redness or blisters on my hands?  I told her about how I was feeling great.  So great that if I could do cart wheels, I would.  Then she told me that the results of my blood work was back.  My liver was doing great but my immune system was low.  We can't do chemo tomorrow, she said.  My heart sank.  I was so pumped up to get this show on the road and now we had to delay it.  I told her I didn't understand.  Why do I feel so good but my immune system says otherwise? She said something about my bone marrow and white blood cells and how chemo affects them.  All I knew is that chemo was not happening.  I had to stop taking Xeloda (oral chemotherapy pills) and delay chemo by one week.  I would let my body recover naturally and do blood work again to see how I was doing.  But I have my Seattle trip planned for May 22nd-29th.  No problem.  I'll do my blood work on the 29th and tentatively schedule chemo for Wednesday the 30th.  This is also the day of my next Aredia treatment so it works out that I'll get both at the same time.  Saves me time and a needle poke.  We next refilled all my medications and then I started to ask her the questions I had came up with in between our visits. 

Why did my hair fall out after the first treatment and now it's growing back while I am still receiving treatment?  I have strong hair.  Plus we have lowered the dosage of chemo since I first started so it's not as strong, giving my hair a chance to grow.

How long does Epirubicin and Cisplatin stay in my system?  It is in my body for about 3 weeks until I get my next chemo. 

Am I going to get a port? If I want one, I can get one.  If the needle poking is too much and the nurses/lab techs are having a hard time finding my veins, we can go with one.  But this would mean I would have to stop Coumadin and go on Lovenox shots.  No thank you.

Why will I be on Coumadin forever?  Because I will be on chemo for the rest of my life basically, and chemo causes the blood to be sticky, we have to prevent blood clots. Coumadin will "thin" my blood out so it flows smoothly.

I have a dentist appointment next Monday for a cleaning and exam.  Is this ok to proceed with?  I'll need to do blood work on Sunday to see if my immune system is up.  She doesn't want me getting my teeth flossed and have my gums start bleeding if my immune system is low.  

As an oncologist, do you familiarize yourself with alternative treatments that your patients would want to try to compliment their chemotherapy?  My cancer is a nasty bastard.  There are NO studies that show any alternative treatment cures my type and stage of cancer.  None.  Gerson Therapy?  No, it will not cure my cancer.  Even if we did surgery to remove my stomach, there will be cancer cells left behind floating.  They are nasty and will mutate and sneak their way around multiplying.  I cannot escape this deadly disease.  So anyone who believes in alternative treatment, that is great for you, but I do not believe in it and I don't want to entertain conversations about how someone has the cure to my cancer. 

This last question led me to one I wasn't planning on asking.  And as the question left my lips, I started to cry.  Why will I never be cured? I asked her.  My cancer, that nasty bastard, will find a way to outsmart chemo.  Yes, it's shrinking and I've got less cancer today than I did 4 months ago, but it's going to be a constant game.  Back and forth.  She did say that i'm doing remarkably well and that I'll be around for a while.  I know oncologists are not God and that they can be wrong, but I have accepted my prognosis. I have all along. What I need is for people to stop telling me that I'm going to beat this and that I'm going to be cured.  It just doesn't help my situation. You better believe that I will keep fighting.  I'm not giving up.  But I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I will live to be 70.  That's just not going to happen.  I don't know what I did wrong to deserve cancer or what I could have done to prevent it, but I have it and I just have to deal with it.  And I can't take it anymore when people tell me that God is testing me, or he doesn't give me what I can't handle.  God did not give me cancer.  I don't think he is rude enough to give me cancer just to get a reaction out of me.  I'm not going to pray for a cure or a miracle, I'm going to pray for peace.  I'm going to pray for happiness throughout my journey and for a spot in Heaven.  I'm tired of being sad.  I feel like I cried all day over losing my friend Marta.  And then I realized that she is me.  

After my appointment ended, I collected myself and headed on over to the medical assistants office so they could book my next appointments.  They asked me how I was doing and I lied, saying I was doing good.  I walked on over to the pharmacy to pick up my refills.  I waited in line and I fanned my face with a paper in order to keep the tears from falling out of my eyes.  When it was my turn, the pharmacy tech grabbed my prescriptions and started to ring me up.  I couldn't take it anymore and I just started to cry.  He could tell I was a cancer patient by the pills I was picking up.  He told me not to lose hope.  I told him I wasn't normally like this, that I usually was happy and positive but today was not a good day. Out of curiosity, I asked him what the retail price was on my Xeloda.  Xeloda is still under patent so there is no generic available.  For 63 pills, it was $1,795.  Wow.  Then I asked him to check my Emend (also still under patent), which is an anti-nausea 3 pill pack that I take the day of chemo.  $395.  I was astonished.  Thank God I have health insurance.   Cancer treatment is not cheap.  I ended up spending $80 on my medications and $20 for the office visit.  I was grateful that my sister had given me money to help with my medical expenses when she came to visit me in April.  I did smile at one point while in the pharmacy.  There was this lady standing next to me in line and she had a tiny puppy in her arms.  He looked like a golden retriever.  And he was wearing a black hoodie.  It was the most adorable thing I had seen all day.  I should have taken a picture.

I retrieved my car from valet and once I got in, I cried.  Tears just would not stop falling from my eyes.  I headed on over to a nearby shopping center, hoping that a little retail therapy would lift my spirits.  I managed to not cry in the store.  Then I grabbed some sushi and headed home.  My day had been completely thrown off.  I questioned my sanity.  Was I delusional to think that I could beat this?  I allowed myself to be angry, sad, and hurt.  I had to let it out.  I know that they're emotions that I'll feel throughout my journey and I can't ignore them.  I called my therapist and made an appointment to see him on Friday.  I need my safe place.  

I hope that I wake up tomorrow feeling like my old self again.  I am truly happy and normally I have a high spirit.  It was just one of those days where cancer was trying to bring me down.  And it did a good job of trying to break me.  But I'm not quitting.  I'm going to continue to fight, not matter what the outcome is.  If it buys me time, then I am grateful for that.  For now, I'm angry.  I'm not tolerating other people's shenanigans well right now.  People who complain about work are irritating me.  People who complain about drama in their love life are irritating me.  People waste so much time complaining about petty crap.  I wish they'd realize how precious life is.  Just take a minute and try to feel what I feel.  Try.  I wish I could come out and say JUST KIDDING but I can't.  My name is Marta and I have terminal cancer.