Team Marta: A Melancholy Day...Losing My Hair Again

Two weeks ago I had my first infusion of Taxol and the informational sheet about Taxol that my oncologist had given me had said that I would lose my hair within 2-3 weeks. They weren't kidding. I woke up this morning and my scalp was feeling overly tender. It had been feeling tender all week but today it felt like someone had pulled my hair really hard. Like a girl fight. It reminded me of when I first lost my hair to chemo back in February the first go around. I ran my hand through my hair and many strands came out. I pulled a chunk from the back of my head and the whole thing came out without effort. I was too afraid to pull on my eyebrows or lashes because I don't want to lose those but I remember one of the chemo nurses telling me those would go too. My sister, who was visiting from Seattle, was in the room with me as I told her about my hair. She was cleaning up my room since nurse Paula would be visiting today. I didn't expect it but I started to cry. It's never easy losing your hair. I'm not a vain person at all but I really like my pixie cut. The last time I was 100% bald where I shaved my head with a razor was back in April and by June I had a nice set of hair where I was comfortable not wearing wigs anymore and just walking around like that in public. I have only three cycles of Taxol this treatment and they occur every three weeks before we scan again to see if it's working. Maybe my hair will fall out and grow back again under treatment just like last time. I don't know. But I allowed myself to cry and my sister told me that I was a fighter and I wasn't giving up and that losing my hair was worth it. I knew she was right. And no matter how many times people tell me that I'm beautiful with or without hair, it's never easier. I don't think I have any friends that would shave their hair off for me. I mean girl friends. They can all call me beautiful but I know they want to keep their hair. I don't blame them. There's no need for anyone to shave their hair off. Supporting me in my journey is enough for me. My oldest brother did tell me that he is shaving his overgrown mustache off for me. I thought this was great and I know my sister in law appreciates it, too.

The chunk that fell off with no effort.

My tears only lasted a few minutes and then I joked to my sister about how I was probably going to get a bald spot on the back of my head from resting my head in bed. I haven't decided yet if I will shave it off again like last time. I am kinda leaning towards that. It will probably happen within the next few days as I don't want hair falling off everywhere. I did put my purple knit hat on today to catch any shedding hair. Nurse Paula came to drain my pleural cavity and it was in desperate need of draining. I could feel it in my breathing. She got a liter out with no problem. I always look forward to our visits. Not only because she is providing my lungs with relief but because she is such a great nurse and she tells me about her cats. You all know how much I love cats. After her visit, I stayed in my room to relax as my lung expanded back into place. My mom brought meals to me bedside and my appetite had increased since I was watching cooking videos on YouTube. I think I ate a whole box of macaroni and cheese. I silently mourned the loss of my hair all day in my room. I only left to go to the bathroom. I took a brief nap with the kitties as they slept by my feet. I asked my Facebook friends to help recruit more Team Marta members and they came through for me. It made me really happy to see more supporters of my page.

They knew I was having a rough day. Didn't leave my side.

I finally came out of my room at about 8:30pm and my family was watching a movie. I took my seat in my recliner and I felt better just being out in the living room. My sister gave me my Lovenox shot and changed my Fentanyl patches. I'm glad she helps manage my medication. It's just one less think I have to worry about. I think I needed a day to just mope around and be sad that I'm losing my hair again. I'm glad that Fall is here because I have many knit hats that my sister in law has made me that I'll put to use. I asked my sister in law to make me a knit hat with cat ears on it. I'm so excited for it. One of my favorite hats is a blue one she made me that has bear ears on it. It's so fun to wear, especially in public. I still have my wigs on standby and I even have a blue Katy Perry wig, as I call it. She just need a good brushing and trim. One of my sisters had tried it on and walked around in it and looked very cool. I know losing my hair is not that bad. And I remember I loved my wigs. Maybe I just need to go back and read my old blogs about losing my hair to remind myself that I can do this again. Well shall see if this go around I can actually walk around in public without anything covering my bald head. Who knows. I take things one day at a time as I've learned that anything can happen in the blink of an eye.