The Results are in! PET Scan #3! And More...

I've been sitting on this blog for almost a week now.  Not because I didn't know how to tell you this but because so much has gone on since then.  I met with Dr. R on Tuesday and my sister sat in on the appointment.  My gut instincts were true.  My cancer has grown.  It has returned to my lymph nodes.  It's back in my bones.  There is a bony mass in my right arm that is apparent.  Although it doesn't hurt me.  My pelvic tumor is now at 19 cm.  I think.  My doctor said our next point of action is to try Taxol and I have no hesitation in trying this.  I'm on board.  She gave me a few days off of chemo and I was to start chemo #9 on Friday.  This is also the same say I was to start Aredia.  Aredia just strengthens my bones so we moved that appointment down for another 2 weeks, no big deal.  I don't know what else to say. My doctor gave me the PET scan report but I haven't gone through it.  I guess at this point, I'm keeping a lot of things private for my family.

Waiting for my PET scan results.

Not the results I wanted but I'm ready to fight forward!

Afterwards I met with Nurse Gail who would change the dressing on my midline catheter.  I gave her one look and told her that my Pet scan results came back and they weren't good, but that we were going to give Taxol a try.  The good thing about Taxol is that the side effects will be less harsh.  I won't have as much nausea or vomiting but I will have to watch out for neuropathy, which is tingling in my hands and feet.  My sister is doing a great job at managing my medication for me and I'm becoming more and more tired.  I thought I was going to have to head to the lab to get my pre chemo blood work drawn but luckily head nurse Cynthia came to the rescue and drew my labs.  She is an angel.  I never felt the needle stick.  After I had my dressing changed, I met with my LCSW, Joji.  I again let my sister sit in on this meeting  Joji was going to ask for another referral to continue our meetings. Just having found out of my cancer growing, it was important to me to have his support in the rest of my unknown journey.

Dressing change on my midline.

The next day, Wednesday, I had a paracentesis scheduled with NP Kelly.  My sister took me to get my ultrasound at 8am and the tech marked the spot on my belly.  But Kelly tried poking me 3x and couldn't get the fluid to come out so she made the decision to send me to Interventional Radiology to have them finish up.  Dr. Kelly had finished up the procedure but NP Kelly had numbed me up so well I didn't feel a thing.   We managed to get another 3 liters of fluid out just like last night.  They glued me up and sent me to recovered,  I had taken an Ativan before the procedure so I was pretty loopy.

Thursday I had another procedure scheduled, a pleurax catheter placed in my chest to help with my shortness of breath.  I arrived to the hospital at noon and got admitted.  I had taken an Ativan again to help me keep loopy.  We made it over to IR where they also gave me Benadryl.  This made me all sorts of crazy.  Today Dr. Nelson (who placed my midline) would be placing my catheter.  I was all prepped up and ready to go.  I would be awake during the procedure and only lidocaine would be used.  Thank God, John, one of the nurses, lent me his hand during the procedure to squeeze on.  I was very loopy.  They managed to get 1.5 liters of fluid out of my left pleural cavity.  I was coughing profusely but I knew that in a few days my shortness of breath would get better.  I was advised that I would be given a home healthcare nurse who would teach my sister and I how to drain my lung at home.  I was very happy about it.

Recovering from my pleurax catheter.

I must say, last week was kinda a blur and I am very exhausted.  I have yet to tell you about chemo #9 but I must say, it has been very good to me so far, I'm just tired.  I've spent a lot of time in bed but at least I'm eating.  It's been very trying keeping my spirit up.  I've spent some time being silly when I can but others, I just want to rest with Molly as she is the only one who know what I need.

Catheter!

Woody from Toy Story??? LOL

Nope! It's my bed pan!

Stuffing pillows into my sweat shirt to stay propped up and comfy.

Only Molly knows what mommy needs.

PET Scan #3...Results Pending

Yesterday I arrived home from my trip to WA state.  I was really worried about my flight home because I had woken up to nausea and vomiting.  My flight left at 11:30am and so I had to wake up early, pack, and say my goodbyes.  I didn't even take a shower.  I just was not feeling up for anything.  I didn't have anything to eat because I was afraid of throwing it up.  My sister in law, Teresa, gave me some ice chips.  She truly is an awesome caregiver and was totally there for me through out my stay.  My little nephews (8 and 12 years old) also did a good job of fetching me anything I needed and keeping me company.  

It was a short 35 minute flight from Pasco to Seattle where I had a wheel chair waiting for me.  My driver zipped through Sea-Tac airport and got me to my next gate where I had to wait a little over an hour for my next flight to SFO.  I was able to eat some pretzels and Sobe out of the vending machine with no problem.  Once they were boarding for my flight, I walked right up to the podium and asked if I could board since I am disabled and I got on.  I had a window seat and popped an Ativan to help with my nausea and just to knock me out for the two hour flight home.  Unfortunately, I had a rude lady sit by me who kept hitting me and invading my personal space and she didn't even apologize.  Thought that was a bit rude.  Luckily I didn't need my barf bag and I slept the entire flight.  At SFO, I had another wheel chair waiting for my and my driver took me to baggage claim and then waited with me curb side for my sister.  Those wheel chairs are a lifesaver! 

When I arrived home, I just went to sleep and my sister prepared me a dinner of rice and corn.  I was able to eat the whole thing.  I was very proud of myself.  She had to wake me up later for my nightly Lovenox shot and pills, but then I went right back to bed.  This morning I didn't have any nausea, thank God.  I was afraid that I would have to call the oncology department and get fluids before my 2pm PET scan but I didn't.  I just rested up until noon when I finally got up to take a shower.  I called state disability to see if they had received my paperwork yet and they hadn't!  I also noticed that the form I submitted was different from what I received in the mail after I left for my trip.  So now I don't know where I stand.  I emailed my doctor and she said the forms hadn't even hit her desk yet.  I'm annoyed!  I don't know what's taking those medical secretaries so long.  It's a ticking clock and I am without money that is owed to me by the state.  My doctor just told me to bring the forms to our visit on Tuesday and she'll take care of me.  Now do you see why I love her so much?  She truly is the best.  I had also called the medical assistants three times this morning to schedule a paracentesis with the nurse practitioner but no one would answer the phone so I left a message.  I also mentioned this to my oncologist and she said she would have her nurse take care of it.  I spoke with the nurse this afternoon who said she was still working on it but most likely it was looking like Wednesday I'll be getting my belly drained again.  I can wait; not a problem.  I'm looking forward to the relief.  

My sister's boyfriend drove us to the hospital at Kaiser Santa Clara where I did my PET scan.  We arrived 15 minutes early and I checked in.  At 2pm, the tech, Betty (pretty, young girl), called me back to the room.  She verified my identity, confirmed that I hadn't had anything to eat in 6 hours, and we got started.  She did a quick glucose test on me and I was at 100 which meant that we could proceed.  She was able to use my midline to inject the radioactive solution.  Hooray for no needle sticks!!!  She brings back this giant metal cylinder which hold the radioactive solution and injects it into my midline.  It was so easy.  Betty told me she would go grab me some warm blankets and I was to nap for one hour, letting the solution run all over my blood stream.  I got comfy in my gurney as she covered me in blankets, turned off the lights and left the room.  I removed my glasses and I tried napping but I always had one eye open. It was pretty quiet but I could hear doors opening and closing.  After an hour, Betty comes in to tell me that time is up but the patient ahead of me has 15 minutes left so to hold tight.  

Betty comes back and takes me to the scan room.  I'm only dreading this because she says I have to lay still for 20 minutes.  I have so much lung and belly fluid that I knew this was going to be challenging.  At least when I was napping for an hour, the gurney was adjustable and was raised at an angle for me.  I lay on the little bed and I have blankets wrapped over me, and I put my hands raised above my head.  I can already feel my lungs going into turbo mode as they struggle to breathe.  The scan is started and I'm slowly maneuvered in and out of the donut shaped machine for 20 long minutes.  I try to relax and not think about what I'm doing.  After all, this is the scan that will tell us if the cancer is growing or if the chemo is working.  Once 20 minutes is up, a different tech comes in to tell me that the procedure is over.  I tell him I'll need some help up since I'm feeling like a pregnant lady.  He helps me up and leads me into a different waiting room where a radiologist checks to make sure the pictures are fine.  He then comes back and tells me I'm free to go.   I walk to the front waiting room where my sister is.  It's now 4pm, two hours after my appointment.  My sister and her boyfriend are such troopers for coming with me to these appointments.  I know I would get bored. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my oncologist at 11am and she believes the radiologists report will be ready with my results.  I am nervous.  Wednesday would be my typical chemo day but it's up in the air because we need to know the status of my cancer.  At the very least I am praying to God that it's stable.  I don't want it to be growing, although I know that my cancer is very aggressive and sneaky.  I highly doubt it has shrunk.  But let's pray for that!  I've had to think a lot about continuing treatment.  This last chemo was very hard on me.  I was constantly throwing up.  Ended up in the ER twice.  Went in for fluids multiple times.  I just don't know what to think.  My body is a tough cookie and as long as I'm not in pain (which thankfully has been controlled), bring it on cancer.  We can play tough ball, cancer.  I'm not going to quit this battle.  I'm too much of a warrior to just give up.  But at some point, I know I have to think about quality of life versus is chemo working and what is it doing to my body.  

I truly am thankful to God for giving me another day to live.  It's been a horrible past few months with more warriors earning their wings.  Liza Blue was just 25 years old and passed away a few days ago.  While I didn't interact with her too much, she was a young adult with cancer and us warriors stick together.  My heart broke learning of her passing.  I know she fought the good fight and was an inspiration to many.  We truly do live in a world when we just never know when it is our time to go, so we should be thankful to whatever higher power we believe in for the opportunities we've been given.  And we should also tell our loved ones how much we appreciate them and care about them.  If it's too hard to say, then show it...vice versa.  

So sorry there were no pictures in today's post.  Was too afraid to take my phone in with me to the PET scan rooms.  Radioactivity just scares me...even though it's in my body right now.  Can't you see me glowing??? =)

Greetings From Othello, WA

Hi Everyone!
Just wanted to write a quick note from my parent's house in Othello, WA to let everyone know that I'm having a great time here.  It's a tiny little town that I grew up in but I've come to appreciate it more today than ever before.  I've been able to hang out with a few childhood friends and it's been great.  I want to remind everyone that my thank you BBQ/Kicking Cancer's Butt Party is this Saturday at my parents house.  You can email me or reach me on my team page on FB for more details or for an address.  Everyone is invited.  I also want to send a big thank you out to those who have donated to my fundraiser.  I am only paying essential bills (rent/car/insurance) now and your donations are helping me with my copays and any ER copays I need to have in reserve.  I've been feeling pretty good, although I did have vomiting this morning.  It's just become apart of my life.  Who knew those Compazine suppositories would be my lifesavers in controlling my nausea.  I'm also filled back up with a lot of belly fluid and my lung also has a lot of fluid in it, too.  When I get back, I have an appointment with my oncologist on August 22nd, where I will go over my PET scan results and also discuss getting permanent catheters placed in my lung and belly so that I am able to drain them at home at my convenience.  This will save me being poked by a needle each time and also a copay each time.  I've accepted that I'm just not "normal" anymore and I just want to be as comfortable as possible.  Besides, I'll be able to hide them with my clothes.

Well, I'm off to bed and I think I'll watch a movie (Rio) with my nephews.  I'm savoring these precious moments I have with my family and I'm glad that I feel good enough to travel.  It has been a real blessing and I thank God for allowing me to take this trip. I'll update everyone when I get back and post lots of pics.  I haven't forgotten my other blogs posts, too.  I still want to tell you all about my birthday and share those pics as well.

Check out my team page on FB for daily updates or better yet my personal FB page.

Much Love,
Marta

www.facebook.com/TeamMartaOfficial
www.facebook.com/marcam

Time for a Paracentesis...catheter to the belly!

I first want to say thanks to those of you who have donated to my cause.  Any little amount helps me out with my co-pays and medical expenses.  From the bottom of my heart, I truly thank you.

After my eventful week of a trip to the ER and having to visit Kaiser on Tuesday and Thursday for IV fluids and IV anti-nausea, I decided to also get a paracentesis done Thursday afternoon.  Paracentesis is very similar to the thoracentesis I have had to my pleural cavity except this is for my belly.  I have been able to manage the fluid build up in my belly by using Lasix but I was just so exhausted and afraid of taking any pills by mouth that I just gave in.  I was very afraid to have this done because I thought that they were going to pick the fattest part of my tummy and shove a catheter through it.  This is not the case at all.  I had asked my oncologist about how the procedure is performed at my last visit with her on July 31st and she told me that they usually go in on either the right or left lower quadrant of the belly.  I can usually tell when I have a lot of fluid build up by monitoring my weight. It's amazing how fast the belly fluid collects.  It was making me feel like I was walking around with a pregnant belly.  When I lay on my back, it also makes it hard for me to breathe.  And lastly, my clothes don't fit right.  Makes me feel like I should be shopping the maternity section.

My Thursday started at Kaiser at 10:45am when I had to go in for more fluids.  I had been throwing up the day before and so I had called just before closing to speak with nurse Jennifer about setting me up for fluids since I knew I was very dehydrated. It's nice that when I walk into the oncology department, the receptionists know my name and are already to register me in.  Nurse Elsie called me to the back and I asked her if I could hop on the scale real quick to see how my belly fluid was doing.  It was amazing that I was weighing more than I usually do when I had not eaten anything since Sunday.  Elsie led me to the back of the infusion center where there is a private room with two chairs.  Luckily, I was the only one in there.  I asked Elsie if I could speak with my oncologist, Dr. R, so I can let her know how I was doing.  Moments later she appeared.  I told her about how I was having major bouts of nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea.  The pain seemed to be control by the fentanyl patches but I was having more frequent break through pain.  She suggested that I take Decadron, which is a steroid I normally take during chemo only, for my nausea in addition to my Zofran or Compazine.  She told me it was ok to add one more fentanyl patch, and to make sure I was dating them so I wouldn't confuse them and would know exactly when to change them.  If I was still having break through pain, I could resort to taking the Dilaudid pills or liquid morphine.  I prefer Dilaudid because it's stronger and the liquid morphine tastes yucky.  Fortunately, when I have break through pain, which is about twice a day, it goes away within 15 minutes with the Dilaudid.  My pain is now managed very well.

Another round of fluids. Feeling like mush.

Elsie hooks my midline up to the IV and starts me on fluids and IV Zofran.  Because my potassium level is low, she double checks with Dr. R about giving me potassium through my IV.   Potassium infusion will take a few hours and I don't mind so they go ahead and give it to me.  It beats taking those darn horse pills that I was prescribed.  My sister decides to go do a bit of shopping and grab a bite to eat so I try to take a nap in the chair.  It's kinda noisy because I'm near the nurses station and they are discussing what they are going to have for lunch and who's going to go get it.  I don't mind though because I do enough sleeping as is and I adore the chemo nurses.  Dr. R had felt my belly earlier and said that while it felt soft, I could have a paracentesis if I was feeling uncomfortable.  I told her I was ready for it and she spoke to nurse Jennifer about having nurse practitioner Kelly do it for me.  I love Kelly.  She backs up my oncologist when she's not there and is a great woman.  By 2:30pm, I am all done with my fluids and since Jennifer is out at lunch, I'm not sure what time to come back for my paracentesis.  I tell Elsie that I'll be in the area and just have Jennifer call me.  My sister and I head on over to Costco to pick up my glasses.  We then decide to stop by Starbucks for a quick drink but Jennifer calls and asks me to head on over to radiology now for an ultrasound so that they can mark my belly with the site to where the catheter will go in.  Afterwards I am to head back to the oncology center.

My new, cool glasses!

My sister does a quick U-turn and we valeted the car.  I grab a wheelchair and have my sister push me to radiology.  I'm feeling exhausted.  We arrive at radiology, register and very quickly I'm called back.  The tech takes me into a dark lit room and I expose my belly.  She applies jelly on it and does her thing.  I'm watching the monitor and she tells me about how the dark spots are all fluid.  She finds two sites on my belly but goes ahead and calls a doctor back to double check her work.  They use a marker to draw two X's, one on my left side and one on my right.  I'm then let go and my sister wheels me on over to oncology.  I register and medical assistant Maria calls me on to the back procedure room.  She takes my vitals and has me sign a waiver acknowledging the procedure and risks.  I have my sister with me because I know I'll need to squeeze her hand once the needle goes in.  NP Kelly comes in and she starts getting ready.  She tells me about the risks but she's been doing these for 15 years so I know I'm in good hands. I show her the X's on my belly and she chooses the right side and has me lay down on the gurney.  She asks me if I want some Ativan and of course I do!  Nurse Elsie brings me some in and I stick them under my tongue, letting them dissolve.  I close my eyes to relax and my sister talks with Kelly, which is distracting me for the events about to happen.

At ultrasound marking the catheter site.

Medical Assistant taking my vitals

The set up!

Kelly is all set up, ready to go, and I am too.  She injects me with Lidocaine and the needle hurts.  Lidocaine stings.  I squeeze my sister's hand tightly.  Next, she takes a longer, thinner needle and injects me some more with Lidocaine.  I do some more hand torturing to my sister.  Somewhere along the line, she removes the needle and now I have this catheter in me.  Kelly hooks it up to the vacuum sealed jars waiting on the floor.  I'm fine now.  No pain.  No shock-like feeling like the thoracentesis made me feel before.  I'm ok.  I lay there relaxing and we just wait for the jars to fill up.  We all continue talking and soon I'm on the 3rd container.  I am amazed that I have that much belly fluid in me.  When I had my pleural cavity drained, that only filled about one and a third containers.  Obviously my belly is a much bigger cavity.  I can feel my belly slowly deflating and I take a peak down to where the catheter is sticking out of my body.  I don't freak out.  I look at my belly and I notice my pelvic tumor staring at me.  I give it a feel and I know it has grown.  It is definitely at least the size of a cantaloupe.  I fill up the 3 jars and a tiny bit of a fourth and Kelly tells me that we're going to stop.  I'm anxious as she pulls out the catheter but it doesn't hurt.  I made it! I survived!  There's no need to do cytology on the fluid since it's the same stuff as what was collected from my lung.  I just stare at the jars in amazement.  Paracenthesis isn't so bad.  It's actually quite easy and Kelly says I can have it done as often as I need to and like.  Before, it would take me a few days to pee all this fluid out.  Might have to rethink that now.  Kelly applies a glue to the catheter site to prevent any leaking and bandages me up.  I'm ready to go home.  I hop on the scale on the way out and see that I've lost 8 lbs, putting me back to my normal weight. Hooray!

Before: my water baby!

X marks the spot.

During.  Calm as a cucumber!

That is what came out of my belly! 3300 cc's!

By evening time, I'm feeling good.  I think it's a combination of the IV fluids and the draining of my belly.  I try to eat solids and I'm successful.  I don't vomit.  Huge victory for me.  The next morning, I'm feeling great.  There is no more nausea, vomiting, or pain.  I feel like having a solo dance party.  I can't believe how amazing I feel.  I'm so thankful for Dr. R, Kelly, and the nurses for helping me survive chemo #8.  My faith is restored that there is hope for me.  It was a horrible roller coaster ride, but I made it.  I take it easy that day as I do not want to overwhelm myself and have to put my Washington trip on hold.  I am to fly out on Tuesday and come back the following Sunday.  I lay low indoors.  At this rate, I will make my flight!  I also have my PET scan to look forward to when I return, on August 20th.  I am hoping and praying that my cancer is at the very least stable.  Better news would be that it is shrinking.  I know that sometimes it feels like chemo is about to very damn well kill me but I have to say that it is worth it.  I may have puked my guts out and felt the most excruciating pain I have ever felt, but I'm a warrior and that's part of the job.  A big hug and thank you to my sister for helping me through this roller coaster week. I know it wasn't easy watching me go through that but having her there for me really made it more manageable. I'm slowly letting her in more on my care as I realize that I can't do this by myself.  It's hard feeling like I'm losing my independence but I know that having someone else manage my care sure makes this journey a whole lot easier.

After: feeling deflated and good.

Although I am feeling good right now, I can't help but to think about the things that I won't get to do.  It seems like about every 4 weeks, my pleural cavity is filling up with fluid, causing me to be short of breath.  This means that I have to start pulling out my wheelchair whether I like it or not.  I think about the Cabo trip that I wanted to take with my sister's and how it probably won't happen just because my health is not that great.  I want to go to Disneyland so bad but I'm afraid to travel down there and wait in long lines.  I'll need my wheelchair to get me through that for sure.  But instead of focusing on the things that I feel like I'm being robbed of, I try to think of the things that I do have and what's really important.  I have my family and I have my fur babies.  I have my friends.  Really great friends.  Even if it's just a fashion show that I'm putting on for Molly and Dash, I try to make the most of my moments. I'm hoping and praying with all my heart that we find a cure.  Not just for my cancer, but for all cancers.  I won't lose that hope.  Not that easily.

Fashion show with Dash, who loved my dress.

Precious moments, playing hide n seek with the cats.

Help the Cause

Since I've been asked about this, I'm going to post my PayPal address.  I HATE asking for money.  Since being diagnosed in January, I have never begged anyone for money.  I try to just make ends meet.  But after chemo knocked me square down on the floor this past week, I forgot to manage the paperwork side of things and lost my state disability payments.  My checking account is in the red and I am only paying whatever bills are necessary to live (credit cards can go take a hike).  Strictly optional, but if you would like to donate, my PayPal address is: TeamMartaOfficial@gmail.com.  Please feel NO pressure to donate.  If you prefer to mail me a donation or just a note to say hi (I love getting mail), email me for an address.  Thank you guys so much and I promise not to bomb my blog with this. 

Much Love, 
Marta

****Official fundraising site can be seen here:
http://www.youcaring.com/fundraiser_details?fundraiser_id=7338&url=teammarta

I am in the process of submitting paperwork to re-certify my disability so that my payments will continue, it will just take a little time. 

Trip to the ER

I like writing my blogs in order and there are a couple that I would like to write before this but it's important to me to write about what happened yesterday, so here goes.

My brother and his family left on Sunday afternoon and I was feeling fine.  I was recovering from chemo at a normal rate.  Wasn't eating much or drinking much of anything for that matter. I was just happy to keep my nausea under control and to not be throwing up.  It was in the evening when I grabbed a piece of ginger candy and took a small bite.  It didn't agree with my stomach. I made a mad dash to the bathroom as I felt the sensation to vomit come on and that was a big mistake.  Half way to the bathroom, I slipped on the carpet and face planted on the floor.  I scraped my knees and took it hard on my right cheek. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.  My sister watched this all happen and came to see if I was ok.  I crawled my way to the bathroom where I proceeded to spit out the ginger and vomit.  My chemo brain and dizziness were still in full effect.  Once I collected myself, I went back to my room and laid down.  I was feeling a bit of pain and nausea but I did my usual nightly morphine tablet and liquid morphine for break through pain. My stomach really wasn't having any of it so I missed my dose of Xeloda because I was afraid it would upset my stomach even more.  I did the compazine suppository since I wasn't keeping things down.

Scraped up knee. No more running!

The next morning, Monday, I woke up and wasn't feeling all that great.  I had an appointment at 12:15pm to get my dressing changed so I called up the medical assistants to see if I could also get fluids and IV Zofran.  Then things started to get worse.  I started vomiting bile and having diarrhea.  I can't take any pills or put anti-nausea up my butt at this point.  Then the pain starts to come in full force.  It's all over my stomach pain.  It starts at about a 7/10 and is working it's way up.  It comes intermittently every few minutes and it's excruciating.  There is no way I can make it to my dressing change appointment. I have not felt pain like this before.  I find myself on the floor of my bedroom, curled up into a ball crying. I tell my sister that I can't take it anymore and that I want to go to the ER now. If the rest of my cancer journey was going to be filled with this type of pain, I didn't want to do it anymore.  I was begging God to either take me away or to help me.  I didn't care what I looked like, I just put some deodorant on because I know I haven't showered since chemo which was on Wednesday.  It's 12:30pm by now and my sister takes me to the ER at Kaiser in South San Francisco.  Luckily I had grabbed a barf bag on the way out of the apartment.  I'm puking in the car and she cannot get there fast enough.  When we arrive, I had the security guard give me a wheel chair and I'm wheeled right in to check in. They check my vitals and all that good stuff and I tell them my cancer pain is horrid.  They try getting me a private room as to not expose me to other people's germs so I'm staged the hallway for a minute.  I sit there with my barf bag and I'm yacking.  It doesn't sound pretty. Especially in those hallways.  I can see the nurses working quickly to clean up room number 9 for me.  Finally I lay in the gurney in my room and nurse Henry comes in to take some blood.  Because we cannot get a blood return from my midline, he has to start an IV.  At this point, I'm in so much pain, I don't care.  On his second stick, he finally draws blood on my left hand but later I find out that the blood is no good so he sends the top notch phlebotomist who is awesome with patients with veins that are difficult to find.  I forgot her name but she is very caring and nice.  She finally finds a vein on my left hand near my thumb and gets a blood draw.  She agrees that I am a difficult draw but to remind phlebotomists in the future that the vein she used should be a good one since it's a fat vein.  Good tip.  I'm still feeling nausea and vomiting and remember now, I have diarrhea, too.  I couldn't control it.  I felt it.  I pooped my pants.  I have my barf bag in front of me and my sis standing next to me trying to comfort me and I tell her, "Great, I just pooped my pants."  We start to laugh.  The force from the vomiting caused me to not be able to control my bowels.  I'm actually quite surprised this didn't happen sooner. I ask my sister to let Henry know that my linens will need to be changed.  In the mean time, I have my sis take me to the bathroom so I can clean up and throw away my undies.  When I get back in the room, Henry has removed my old linens and hands me a bag for my pants and top since I'm now wearing a hospital gown.  I ask my sister to grab me a piece of gum from my purse as my mouth tastes like utter hell vomiting all that bile.  I take a few quick chews before I spit that out.

Trying to sleep after getting pain meds.

I'm laying in my bed in pain and I ask them to get me something ASAP.  We start out with morphine through my IV and that seems to work for about 10 minutes.  The pain is less now but it is coming back more frequently.  My ER doctor, Dr. Ma, decides it's time to try Dilaudid which is about 7-10x more stronger than morphine.  The pain is finally gone.  And it doesn't have me falling asleep or feeling loopy.  I really like Dr. Ma.  There is a gentle warmth about her and she tells me that she wants to send me to x-ray to see if there is anything blocking my intestines.  The tech comes over to wheel me to x-ray and I ask if I can get some pants or something to cover my butt since I'm naked under my gown.  They hand me another gown and I wear it backwards so that it looks like I'm wearing a muumuu type gown.  I just don't want to flash anyone. I take 3 x-rays and I hear the tech say that I'm completely empty.  Doesn't surprise me as I have not had anything to eat in 24 hours and I've been vomiting everything.   I head on over back to room number 9 and Henry is now gone for the day.  I have a new nurse named Julie and she turned out to be a real gem.  Dr. Ma enters the room and tells me that my x-rays look clean and that there were no blockages which is what she was looking for.  This is a good thing.  She continues to tell me that my potassium is low and that they will be hooking it up to me via IV.  I'll also be taking home a prescription where I'll be taking one tablet of potassium twice daily.  If you've ever seen potassium pills, they are huge!  At this point, I'm taking fluids, Zofran, and potassium through the IV in my hand and Julie asked if we could use the midline on my arm to speed things up and with Dr. Ma's permission, she switched the infusion from my hand to my arm.

I'm smiling but I'm not feeling chipper!

I've lost track of how long I've been in the ER by now, I think it was now 4pm and it didn't seem like it to me.  Julie brought me some ice chips to work on ingesting something by mouth and then later I could try saltine crackers.  The Dilaudid seemed to be my miracle drug.  I lay in my bed relaxing and trying to get some sleep.  I am really glad I had a nurse like Julie.  She was just absolutely amazing.  She was very knowledgeable in pain meds and answered all my questions.  Dr. Ma came in to give me my paper prescription for the Dilaudid that I will take home and she gives it to my "mom." Inside my head I am cracking up that she has called my sister my "mom."  She then says that Dr. Dilda will be my new doctor.  Again, I think I am hearing things and I am holding back chuckles in my head.  I thank her for all she has done for me and she leaves.  When Julie comes back into the room to check on me, I ask her to clarify the name of the next doctor. She looks into the computer and says, "Oh, you dirty birds."  My sister and I start cracking up.  Just wanted to make sure the pain meds weren't making me loopy and hearing things.  Dr. Dilda comes into the room to introduce himself but pretty much Dr. Ma has controlled the situation and nurse Julie is driving the ship.  I don't really need him, he's just the one who will give the ok to discharge me.  He says I'll finish my bag of fluid and if I'm feeling good, then I can go home.  I try eating 2 saltine crackers and they seem to go down ok.  I'm feeling proud of myself for a couple of minutes and then the stomach pain returns and I realize that I'm just not quite ready for solids yet.  Now I know that I'll be on a liquid diet.

It's about 6:30pm when I am finally discharged and I can't believe that I've been in the ER for about 6 hours.  It really didn't seem like it.  Not when you're in that much pain.  My sister had gone to the pharmacy for me to pick up all my meds (the Dilaudid, potassium, and also sublingual Zofran). She also picked me up some Pedialyte popsicles. Nurse Julie handed me some disposable paper pants that I get to wear home since my undies are now in the garbage from my pooing incident earlier.  I check out and I wait by the door for my sister to pull the car up front.  The wheelchair is now my friend.  I'm very exhausted and weak and all I want to do is get home to rest.  Part of me wanted to remain in the hospital where they can take care of me but then part of me wanted to go home.  I'm much more comfortable at home and I'm not exposed to all those germs that a hospital has.

I slowly walk up the two flights of stairs it is to get to my apartment.  That's going to be a problem if I plan on using my wheelchair more often.  I change into my pajamas and hop into bed.  I set up my nightstand with an assortment of fluids I can drink and all my meds.  I'm concerned that I haven't taken my Xeloda for the past 2 doses and manage to get it down.  I still have to take my chemo pill and fight cancer even though I may not feel up to it.

I'm hoping that this has just been a yucky reaction to chemo #8 that I had on August 1st.  I don't want to believe that my cancer is getting worse or growing but I know that it is a possibility.  Just a week ago I was feeling great and eating.  Things can change in the blink of an eye.  I have my PET scan scheduled for August 20th and I'm very anxious for it.  This will tell us if the chemo is working or not.  If it's not working, we will switch to another regimen.  If it is working, we will continue.  And I'm afraid to continue.  This is so hard on my body.  It just seems like it's getting worse and worse.  I am putting my body through hell and I don't know if it's worth it or not.  There is no cure.  There is no guarantee that this chemo will buy me more time.  I have to think about what I'm doing here. I won't give up but at some point, the chemo will no longer work and I will have to choose quality of life over beating up my body with treatment that I'm not responding to.  I've thought about hospice care.  Just living my life out.  But I know what makes me want to throw in the towel is the side effects.  The one thing I cannot stand is the pain.  I am a tough cookie and will endure it till I am on my last leg but I know there are tons of drugs out there that can help me manage it.  Same thing with the nausea and vomiting.  I'd rather be cooped up in a hospital managing those side effects than to be at home enduring the pain.  I'm not going to give up that easily.  And I feel so bad for my sister.  She has to watch me go through this and there isn't a damn thing she can do for me.  I never want to feel that pain again.

The next day, Tuesday, I went in to the infusion center to get my dressing changed.  I couldn't even stand in line.  I was so weak.  Luckily, the medical assistant, Latishma, saw me and told me to sit while she took my Kaiser card and checked me in.  I couldn't help but to break down and cry.  I was so exhausted.  I had thrown up that morning and I knew I was dehydrated.  I asked her if my oncologist was in (because she had taken a few days off) and luckily she was back in the office.  I saw my doctor first and told her how I was now on Dilaudid but I was getting break through pain and that I was really tired.  She decided to put me on the fentanyl patch now which is a patch that I change every 3 days.  I hear it's strong stuff but I'm still getting some intermittent pain where I have to resort to the Dilaudid.  She also set me up with some fluids and IV Zofran while I got my dressing changed.  I can feel the fluid in my belly starting to collect.  I haven't been eating anything in days and yet I'm gaining weight.  I'm too afraid to take anything by mouth, which included Lasix, so I'm thinking paracentesis might be a good option for me later on this week.

Nurse Pauline changing my dressing.

My mind is exhausted. I try to sleep if off only to have these crazy dreams and breakthrough pain.  I am really praying that this is a bad reaction to the chemo. I don't want this to be a sign that I am dying. That chemo is not working, and that cancer is winning.  I'll never lose my battle with cancer because I did get those precious moments with my family and friends.  My life just wasn't meant to be lived as long as everyone else's.  And I don't know why I got chosen to get cancer.  Why God thought that I was strong enough to endure this roller coaster that cancer is.  I think the sucky part is that my mind and major organs are all running in tip top shape.  Before I decided to go to the ER, I knew I wasn't dying.  My brain was 100% coherent.  I was just having a lot of pain.  And after the labs, I found out my kidneys and liver are doing great.  Basically I'm physically not dying but part of me wishes that we could just get this over with because I'm so tired.  I really do not know how much more I can take.  It is draining me to my core.  I've already asked God for forgiveness and to heal my body.  But yet, I still feel pain.  I still throw up.  I don't know what it all means.  What works and what doesn't.  I try and take suggestions from my fellow warriors and caregivers and I'm still miserable.  Something has got to give.  I go in for more IV fluids and Zofran tomorrow.  I hope this does the trick.  I really need to start feeling good or this chemo #8 in addition to my next PET Scan results will weigh heavily in my decision to continue treatment or not.

August 3rd, 2012....Chemo Brain in Full Effect

Because it is is very hard for me to type under chemo brain and to make sense, here is a video update on how I'm doing day 3 after chemo.

Friday, July 27th, 2012: Family Time and Aredia Treatment

My siblings were leaving Seattle Thursday night and headed to California to help me celebrate my birthday with me, which is July 29th. They left at 7pm and were driving straight down.  In the car would be 3 of my sisters with 2 of their spouses and then 2 of my brothers.  I kept in contact with them Friday morning as they neared the Bay Area.  I had an appointment at Kaiser that morning at 9:45am so I delayed leaving the apartment as much as I could so that I could greet them.  They made it in at about 9:20am and I got my hugs in but had to leave shortly afterwards.  They stayed behind at my apartment with my parents who had flown in on Tuesday night.

Enjoying some coffee and Aredia!

My close up!

Feeling like a statue and all fancy!

I had another infusion of Aredia (my bone treatment).  I am not sure what number this is but I think this is my 6th or 7th Aredia treatment.  I no longer have any bone pain.  I just go in, Aredia is infused for about an hour and then I go home and that's it.  I don't wake up the next morning in any type of pain.  I figure this means that Aredia is working and my bones are a little stronger now.  My cousin Delia drove me in to my appointment and I checked in.  I was feeling great.  I decided to dress up a little and wear a dress and some wedges that made me 5'11".  I felt like a statue in those shoes but I love them.  When I checked in, I gave the receptionist a heads up that cupcakes would be delivered at 11am for the whole staff.

Since my birthday is July 29th, I ordered some cupcakes from a cupcake shop and had them delivered to the chemo nurses that Friday during the time that I would be in the chemo chair.  I won't mention the name of the cupcake shop because I did take one home for my sister to sample and she didn't give it a great review. I chose vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry cupcakes.  My sister had the vanilla and she said that the cake had a cake donut consistency and the frosting tasted a little bit like Crisco.  I met this vendor at a local fair and when I saw her cupcakes, they were decorated all pretty so I was disappointed that mine only had a little cinnamon on top.  I don't think I'll be ordering from them again. But I will say that the best place so far that I've ordered cupcakes from that have been very good is from Sibby's Cupcakes in San Mateo, CA.  I didn't eat any cupcakes on Friday because my appetite has been small and I had drank a cup of coffee that morning.

Vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry cupcakes. 

Close up of vanilla.

After Aredia, Nurse Gail changed my dressing on my midline and she set me free to go!  We arrived home shortly and my siblings and I jumped into my sister's SUV and we did some thrift store shopping.  We went to a couple of Goodwills and I go a few outfits for $15!  Later on that evening, the whole family went to dinner at a Mexican restaurant a couple of blocks from my apartment.  We had a great time!

My family at dinner!

Finally a little later, the last of my family arrived from WA State.  My brother and his wife and two kids arrived and they would be staying with me in my apartment along with my parents.  The rest of my siblings would stay at a hotel down the street since my apartment is only a 1 bedroom.

The next day, we headed out to the San Jose Flea Market with everyone. Since we would be doing a lot of walking around and the flea market is huge, I decided to bring my wheel chair and have my mom push me around so that I wouldn't get fatigued or dizzy.  I bought a floppy Summer hat while I was there to protect me from the sun and picked up a couple of items.  The flea market was a real treat for my family as it isn't something we typically visit.  I noticed that people were very nice to me and got out of my way when I was in the wheel chair.  Apparently some people had asked my sister what was wrong with me after I had rolled away and she told them I had cancer.  Looking at me in the chair, you couldn't tell what my disability was.  It's a miracle what make up and a red lip can do for your appearance.   

Rolling around the flea market.

After the flea market, we headed on over to my sister's condo in Fremont where she had prepared a lunch for us.  I was feeling tired so I took a nap while everyone headed down to the pool.  When they got back, they did some shopping at the Fremont Hub and I stayed behind.  It was finally at about 8:30pm that my cousin offered to drive me back to San Mateo since it was getting late and everyone wasn't back yet.  I also had to do my nightly shot and final meds for the evening.

Goofing around at my sister's.

 I put on my jammies once at home and readied for bed.  I was having such a wonderful weekend thus far with my family there and it made me sad.  I cried for a few minutes.  They were tears of sadness and of happiness.  I had to savor these moments because I didn't know how many more I was getting.

I must admit that I did a lot of crying when I was alone.  I was so touched that my family made the effort to come out to California to celebrate my birthday with me.  The only one missing was my little brother who is 22 and couldn't get out of work.  While I am optimistic that I have many more birthdays to celebrate, I also have to be real about the fact that my cancer is aggressive and unpredictable.  I do want to share very briefly without sharing too many details about my best friends mom who had been battling uterine cancer for the past four years. I met my friend 6 years ago through work and although we went our separate ways, we always kept in touch.  On Monday the 23rd, he had told me that his mom was in the hospital and she was too weak to do chemo.  Doctors had told her that she had 3-6 months left.  My heart broke for them.  When i was out and about on Friday the 27th, I received a text from him that his mom had passed away Thursday evening.  I shed a few tears.  It was totally unexpected.  He is such a good friend to me, watching my back all of these years and more recently, taking care of me in my cancer journey and now it was my turn to be there for him.  I tend to have survivors guilt when someone passes away.  Why am I still here?  I don't get it? Will it be my turn next?  Cancer is so unpredictable and so unfair.  I hate it. 

I know my family cares about me dearly.  It's hard for me to accept help from them as it's a sign to me that I'm losing my independence but at the same time, I welcome it as I want them to be a part of my care.  I manage my pain meds and treatment program with my doctor and I'm slowly letting my sister (who has been my primary care taker this summer) in on this so I'm teaching her about my meds, why I take them, how and when.  I'm also letting her know more about how my treatment is going, where as before I was protecting them from my prognosis.  These things I keep private between me and my family.  I am an open book and share my journey proudly, but I do reserve some things just for me and my family.  Everything I write here is from my point of view and when the time comes that I can no longer write for myself, I will have guest bloggers that will communicate to my supporters for me.  But let's think years from now.  I love writing and sharing my journey so I don't expect me to take a turn for the worse for a while.  I am feeling great and just thank God for giving me another day and for these blessed feelings.

I am excited to write my next blog which will share tons of pics and memories from my 31st birthday party.  It truly is my most favorite and best birthday ever. These past couple of years, I've been working 2 jobs so my birthdays consisted of working on job then heading straight next to the other.  I'd get home too tired to do any celebrating.  And weekends were reserved to me and some quiet time so my past few birthday's were uneventful.  But I was always grateful to receive birthday cards from my family who alway remembered to think of me. 

I also wanted to let you all know that I have co-founded a new FB page with another warrior, Tiffany Schwantes,  about creating awareness for young adults with cancers.  Check it out when you can! It's called "Young, Fabulous, and Cancerous."

https://www.facebook.com/YoungFabulousAndCancerous