Another Punch to the Gut

It's now Wednesday, June 27th, the day I have been waiting for.  I get my port today.  I am super excited for no more needle sticks!  I wake up at 8am and take my anti nausea and Xeloda.  My sister and her boyfriend are at my apartment ready to take me to my appointment.  I realize that I never received any pre op instructions from interventional radiology.  Strange.  Usually anytime I have a procedure done, they email me instructions on what I need to do.  I post a question on Facebook about whether or not I can eat and one of my friends who is a nurse confirms that I shouldn't.  I just really want a smoothie but I can wait. I dress in some comfy pajamas and my Superman sweatshirt.

We headed on in to Kaiser in South San Francisco where the procedure is going to take place.  My sister's boyfriend drops us off curbside and we tell him to meet us at the lab.  We pass by the cafe inside the hospital and I point this out to my sister and tell her that's where I want her to buy my raspberry smoothie when I'm done with surgery.  I get to the lab and there's no line.  When I had called radiology on Monday to ask them when to stop my Lovenox shots, they told me to get an INR test at 9am Wednesday.  I tell the tech sitting at the desk that I need an INR and that I'm having surgery today.  People with same day surgery get priority.  He checks me in and tells me to wait in the chairs.  I dread this lab.  They are always busy and this day was no different.  I barely found an empty chair for me and my sister had to stand by the wall.  In a couple of minutes they call my name.  Score!  I was so happy I didn't have to wait.  My sister comes in to the lab with me and she tells me how she heard the other patients waiting snicker that I got to cut.  My thoughts?  When you get sliced open, you'll get to cut in line, too!  I roll up my sleeves and tell the phlebotomist that it's her choice, wherever she can find a vein.  I tell her that it's extremely hard to find them as chemo has killed them.  She picks a vein on my left arm and on the first try, she gets blood.  I didn't feel the needle and was so happy with her skills!

Blood draw before surgery.

Next we head on over to Admitting where they will set me up in the system for my surgery.  I meet Virginia who will be processing my paperwork.  She is such a nice lady and we talk.  She takes my $20 copay and gives me a lovely wristband to wear.  She gives me a stack of paperwork and tells me to go to radiology and hand it to the receptionist.  We walk to radiology, another busy department, and I hand in my paperwork where the receptionist tells me to take a seat and she'll call them in the back to let them know I'm here.  I sit down for a few minutes and then I get called back.  I take my sister with me.  The nurse who called me back, Igor, tells me that they are filled up in the back and my sister can't come with me.  I'm bummed out so I give her a hug and I follow Igor.  He leads me into a room filled with curtains and I take the bed in the middle.  There is a guy to my right who looks like he is prepped and ready to go in for his surgery.  To my left, I hear a woman and some male visitors.  That's it. Igor said they were backed up?  I don't get it.  And I didn't think it was fair that my sister wasn't allowed to come with me.  Igor gives me a gown and tells me to take everything off from the waist up.  I ask him if I get some snazzy looking sock since I'm wearing flip flops.  Ok, he says.  I'm getting the feeling that Igor is not a warm and fuzzy guy.  It's too bad because I strongly feel that people who work in healthcare have to have a certain degree of compassion and warmth.  I change into my gown and socks and wait on my bed.  Igor comes back and we go through my list of medications.  I tell him about how I didn't get any pre op instructions and all he could say is that that was strange.  There is another nurse sitting across from me asking me if I had done my blood work.  I told her that all I did was the INR test that I was instructed to do when I had called Monday.  The nurse, Yolanda, says that I should have done a CBC also.  She looks further in her computer and comments out loud that someone had cancelled it.  All they had to work with were the numbers from last week before I had chemo.  In my head all I could think about was how things were not going as planned with radiology.  Someone was obviously not doing their job.

So excited to be finally getting my port!

The next step was to place an IV in my arm so that I would be able to get my meds for surgery.  Igor is off in the background doing something and Sergio comes over to start my IV.  I show him my arms and tell him that it's his choice, wherever he can find a good place. I tell him I'll buy him lunch if he can start the IV on the first stick.  He chooses my right arm and uses a rubber band to torture my arm and cut off my circulation.  That part always hurts!  Sergio sticks me and fails.  Igor comes over and takes my left arm, inspecting it, choosing my hand as his choice.  He taps my hand over and over and this hurts.  The man is not gentle.  Sergio is looking at my right hand, contemplating on sticking me again.  Igor feels confident enough on his vein choice and I allow him to stick me.  Fail.  He said he burst my vein.  I look and it's at least not bleeding.  He bandages me up.  Sergio calls over Mayra for assistance.  Sergio tries explaining to me why my veins are so hard to stick, something about them being noodle like.  Mayra feels all over my right arm.  She sticks me in my right arm, the same area where Sergio had first attempted.  I never look when they stick me.  And it's not the needle poke that hurts me, its the wiggling around that makes me cringe.  I hear snickering going on to my right and I look.  Mayra is not wearing any gloves and my arm is drenched in my deep red blood.  I know I don't have cooties but I don't know what kind of cooties Mayra has been touching!  My stomach starts to churn at the site.  They stare at the floor and I peer over, only to see a pool of my blood there.  Sergio and Mayra call out to Jackie, who comes over and see blood everywhere.  It's like a slaughterhouse around here, I say out loud.  Jackie runs back to her office.  The techs tell me that she hates blood and will faint at it's sight.  In the moment, I played along and even asked Jackie to hold my hand but now that I think about it, I kind of feel offended at the mockery they created over the mess they made!  Sergio finally gets up and brings over towels to clean up the mess.  Another tech, John, comes over to see what's going on.  Mayra is giving it one more try to see if she can start an IV.  John is trying to distract me by asking me about the tattoo that I have on my left arm.  He shows me his and we have a conversation about tattoos.  Mayra finally gets the IV going on the fourth stick on my upper right wrist.  I am just glad she finally got it.  

My bloody wristband. 

Dr. Nelson appears and introduces herself as the radiologist that will be performing my surgery.  She is a young, pretty doctor.  She tells me about the procedure and asks me if I have any questions, and I don't.  The next thing I know, I'm being wheeled into the procedure room where there are several LCD screens.  John and Sergio get me ready and I roll over to the table where I will have my surgery.  Mayra puts a hair net on me and oxygen tubes for my nose.  She asks me to lay with my head facing to the left.  She adjusts my gown and sterilizes the right side of my neck and chest.  The sponge is cold against my skin and I'm shivering.  Yolanda comes over and she tells me she is going to give me medication through my IV that will relax me but I will be awake.  I lay there, stop shivering, and feel very relax.  I hear Dr. Nelson take charge.  Everyone announces their name.  They ask me to recite my name, date of birth, medical record number, and what type of procedure I'm having. I also tell them that I want a smoothie.  I hear Sergio call out the tools they will be using.  Dr. Nelson says she will inject my neck with Lidocaine and make a small incision in my neck.  She'll use an ultrasound to guide her as she inserts the port.  I feel the shot but it doesn't bother me.  I hear her say she's making the incision.   I'm somewhat drugged up but still awake.  All of a sudden I hear Dr. Nelson say that she see's a blood clot and she can't continue.  The procedure must stop as continuing can be very dangerous.  Dr. Nelson comes to my side and tells me we have to stop.  I start to cry.  I want this port badly.  Yolanda tries to comfort me.  They bandage up my neck and Sergio applies pressure for a few minutes, since I'm on blood thinners and more likely to bleed.  I couldn't help but to just cry.  They move me over to my old bed and wheel me out to the sectioned off curtains.  John hands me a box of tissues.  Dr. Nelson comes to talk to me and I ask her if she can try again later on my left side and she tells me possibly, but for now we can't proceed and we need the blood clots to dissolve.  Since I'm on Lovenox already, we're on the right track.  Yolanda tells me that I have to wait about half an hour before they can discharge me because they have given me meds to relax me.  Igor calls my sister to let her know that I'm out.  Since it's Wednesday and my oncologist is not working, they let me know that they spoke with the oncology department to let them know what's going on.  I'm devastated and heart broken.  The thought of needle sticks makes me cringe.

Crying my eyes out and bandaged up.

My sister comes back to see me and I cry, explaining to her what happened.  We leave and pick up something to eat on the way home.  I run to my room and close the blinds.  I nibble on my tacos and take some Ativan.  I continue to cry and cry.  I just want to be left alone and sleep. All I want is my Molly.  I started to doubt why I was doing this.  I was starting to lose hope.  I thought about the rest of my life and receiving chemo through my veins.  I hated the thought.  I didn't know if I could do it.  I thought about whether Dr. Nelson had lied to me about being able to possibly go in later on to give me a port.  I had a good cry session.  I needed to let it out.  I thought about my life a year ago and how I was a normal girl.  My life was not supposed to be this way.  I hated cancer.  I didn't know why it picked me.  It really does not care who you are.  I cringed at the thought of the months ahead of treatment.  Not being able to work.  Enduring the side effects of chemo.  Feel nauseous.  Feeling pain.  I just didn't know if I wanted to do it anymore.  Why was I doing this?  Was I living for me or was I living because everyone expects me to fight?  It's almost like I feel all this pressure to be strong and here I was breaking.  It was just a bad day.  I was reading status updates from fellow cancer warriors and they too were having bad days.  I hated cancer.  I was now apart of this community that no one should ever be part of.  The cancer community.  I hated that I had to be a member but I was grateful at the same time.  Cancer has connected me to so many great people.  Other people who know what I'm going through.  We cheer each other on, cry on each others shoulders, and talk just like normal people.  Cancer has also given me so many supporters who have my back and will lift me up when I'm feeling down.  The tremendous outpour of support was so overwhelming yesterday.  I just needed to kick, scream, and yell.  To get it all out.  I know that I'll have my tough days, days where I'll feel like giving up, but I have to remember that this is not over and that I will never give up.  Not that easily.  I have to allow myself to feel these emotions and know that they are temporary.  

I woke up today, with tears in my eyes, and I allowed myself to cry some more.  I stayed in my room and my sister tried to get me to eat.  I wasn't having any of it.  She carried on with her day and brought me home some food.  First thing in the morning, I had emailed my oncologist, telling her how heartbroken I was over not being able to get my port but I was wondering if there was still a chance for me to get one.  Normally my oncologist is very good about calling or emailing me back but by 4pm, I hadn't heard from her so I called.  The nurse who answered told me that she was running behind a little and since she had been on vacation last week, she did has a full in basket.  I understood and told her that if she could get back to me by tomorrow that would be great.  To my surprise, my oncologist wrote back to me shortly after 5pm.  She told me she spoke with Dr. Nelson and that she was willing to try again this time using a "midline which goes into your veins around your armpit area." She said interventional radiology would call me with an appointment.  I was so ecstatic!  I have an appointment tomorrow morning for my Areadia treatment and although I'll have to get stuck with a needle, I was joyed to know that quite possibly I would have a port by my next chemo which is July 11. I finally came out of my room and joined my sister in the living room.  My spirit started to come back and my heart slowly started to smile.  We watched tv together and ate dinner.  I painted my nails a mint green color (nail painting is one of my favorite things to do).  I was finally back to my old self.  I told my sister that this time around I wanted her to be there with me.  I understand that she can't be there to witness the procedure but she could at least be there for the prepping.  This is something I'll have to insist upon, especially with the carelessness I had experienced with the techs trying to start my IV.  So Marta is back and she is ever so hopeful!  I know that I'll have more rough days ahead, but if I sit here and reflect, I have had more good days than bad.  I have to remember that I am blessed and thank the big man upstairs for listening to me.  Sometimes I do get mad at him and lose faith, but I know he hears me.  After Aredia tomorrow, I plan on doing some retail therapy and indulging a little.  I've had another punch to the gut but things are looking up.

The incision that was made in my neck.

Chemo Infusion #6, Wednesday June 20, 2012

I have to admit.  Going into chemo #6, I was shaking in my boots.  I would sit here and recall chemo #5 and how horrible I felt.  The intense chemo brain.  Peeing my pants.  Running into walls.  Crying my eyes out the night of chemo.  I was so nauseous and nothing could comfort me. The pain medication wasn't working.  My ascites was in full force.  I remember thinking that if this is what my life was going to be like, then I didn't want to keep going.  I was ready to give up.  All I could do was take pill after pill, hoping it would work, hoping that I would fall asleep and wake up better. But it didn't.  There is three week period in between infusions and during that time I am on the chemo pill, Xeloda.  I felt miserable the entire time and during that time, I had found out that my cancer had grown.  I couldn't help but to think that my life expectancy had been dramatically cut.  I thought that the chemo wasn't working.  I was beginning to get hopeless.  But things are different today.  And I think I figured out why chemo #5 was so hard on my body.  Aredia.  Aredia is my bone treatment which is given to me intravenously every 4 weeks.  Never before has it overlapped with chemo but this time it did.  My oncologist said it was fine to be given both chemo and Aredia at the same time.  Since Aredia no longer causes me any side effects,  I had no apprehension about this.  The last time I had Aredia, I went in for an hour or so and left feeling fine.  The next day I was practically doing cart wheels. There was no more bone pain associated with my Aredia infusions.  I think that's what pushed me over the edge last time.  Aredia and chemo infusion on same day for Marta is not a good idea.  It's the only thing that I can think of.  To sum things up really quick, I had a great experience with chemo #6, maybe my best yet!

Pre chemo pills...lots and lots of anti nausea!

I took a shower Wednesday morning and packed my laptop into my back pack, along with a few snacks.  Every time I go in for chemo, it feels like I'm going away to day camp.  My sister made sure I packed enough water and we headed on out to Kaiser in South San Francisco.  She parked curbside and let me out.  I snuck on over to the cafe and bought myself a smoothie since I hadn't had breakfast.  I checked in for my appointment and they gave me my lovely wristband.  I took a seat and waited for my nurse to call me.  I was dressed kinda snazzy and one of the medical assistants came out to call her patients.  She saw me and came over to say hello and we chatted for a minute.  She told me I looked great.  And I felt great.  You couldn't tell at all that I have cancer.  Finally nurse Marita called me to the back and led me to my chair.  She apologized for the delay but they were looking over my lab numbers and they had to read my chart to verify that chemo was a go.  My oncologist does not work on Wednesday's so they just couldn't ask her.  I told her that although my neutrophils were low, my doctor had ordered a Neulasta shot for me on Thursday to boost my immune system.  She said that they eventually did read that in the notes.  I settled in the chair and Marita used a hot washcloth on my hands to entice my veins into coming out.  She attempted to start an IV on my left hand but it didn't work.  She bandaged me up.  She asked head nurse Cynthia for advice and they found another vein on my left arm.  Marita attempted to start an IV but she missed again.  She bandaged me up.  At this point, my heart was breaking thinking that I was never going to get chemo because my veins were not cooperating.  I asked them not to use my right arm because of the blood clot I had in it earlier in the week and also the swelling that was associated with it.  Marita asked Cynthia to start the IV this last time.

Two failed attempts and no IV started. 

I had faith in Cynthia since after all she is the charge nurse. She chose a vein in on top of my hand and I mentally did a happy dance when she got the IV started!  I wasn't too happy to be getting poked for a third time but I really need this chemo.  My neighbor to my right had her TV on and was watching Maury so that distracted me while I was getting the needle shoved into my arm.  Marita went ahead and gave me my dose of Epirubicin followed by magnesium and fluids.  I sipped on my smoothie and I took my laptop out.  My goal for the day was to write one of the many blog ideas I had in my head.  I was going to be in the chair for 6 hours so this seemed doable. I told Marita and Cynthia that I was scheduled to get my port placed next Wednesday, June 27th and that we wouldn't have to go through this again.  They were delighted to hear this.  I asked Cynthia how soon after the port is placed could we use it.  She told me the next day.  I brought this up because I was scheduled to have my Aredia infusion on the following Tuesday, the 26th, and if accessing my veins was going to be another battle,  I would rather reschedule Aredia for after I get the port.  Cynthia agreed with this and changed my Aredia infusion to the Friday after my port is placed, the 29th.  I remember one of the girls in my support group telling me to ask for numbing cream that I could use 45 minutes before my port is accessed with a needle.  They said that I wouldn't feel the needle stick. I asked Cynthia about this and she said it was Lidocaine cream.  She would get a prescription of this sent to the pharmacy for me and I'd be able to pick it up after today's chemo.  She also told me about how since my next follow up appointment with my oncologist is on July 10th, she would schedule me with one of the nurses afterwards to have my pre chemo blood draw.  She told me to remember to use the numbing cream and that they would leave the needle in, that way I wouldn't have to get a second needle sick when I came in the next day for chemo.  I got another tip from one of the ladies in my support group to use Press n Seal wrap on the needle site and keep it well wrapped so that I would be able to take a shower if I wanted to.  I was so grateful for the advice that the nurses were giving me and also the helpful tips from my support group.

Score! The IV is in!

I started checking my Facebook and opened up my blog to start writing.  I had brought a protein bar with me but it didn't see at all appetizing so I sent my sister a text to see if she was still in the area.  Luckily she was around nearby shopping and I asked her to bring me something by. She told me she was going to bring me greek food from Daphne's Cafe.  I looked at their online menu and went with a falafel.  I did go back to eating chicken and turkey after becoming vegetarian about two months ago, but I do not eat beef or pork.  I just don't like the taste nor the texture.  My sister finally came and I gobbled down the falafel.  Only halfway through I started to question the meat.  The wrapper was not labeled.  I soon realized that I was not in fact eating a falafel nor was it even chicken.  I text my sister and told her that she gave me the wrong food and she better tell me it was chicken so I don't kill her!  I stopped eating in my tracks.  I lost my appetite.  I was mildly angry that Daphne's didn't label their food but what can you expect when you have a bunch of kids running a restaurant?

I start my dose of Cisplatin and this is the chemo drug that everyone says is hard on their body. I don't want to jinx myself but Cisplatin hasn't been too hard on me.  I actually think Cisplatin is a strong piece of my army and that is what has helped eradicate cancer from my lymph nodes.

From the corner of my eye, I see a lady walk in with two dogs.  I start to get excited as I know it's animal therapy time!  While I am a HUGE cat lover, I also did grow up with dogs and love them dearly. I can't have any of my own as I have a two pet limit and also dogs require more attention than cats (and the fact that Molly and Dash would hate me if I brought a dog home).  The dogs started out with my neighbors to my right and I patiently waited for my turn.  And then suddenly, I had a little dog and a yellow lab at my seat.  Ginger and Cricket.  Cricket sat on my lap and she was so cute.  The perfect size of dog that I wanted.  I had her handler take a pic of us.  Next, Ginger came up and said hello.  She is an amazingly calm yellow lab.  I love labs.  Growing up I had the most chill black lab.  They are great companion dogs.  We took a picture together and the dogs moved over to the rest of the patients in the infusion center.  I learned that they visit us every Wednesday and luckily for me, my chemo's are scheduled on Wednesdays.

Cricket!

Ginger!

Finally at around 4pm, Marita took the IV out and I packed up to go home.  I stopped by the pharmacy to pick up my Lidocaine cream and I met my sister in the parking lot and we headed home.

For the rest of the evening, I lounged around in my pajamas and I made sure to take my anti nausea meds on time.  Overall I felt pretty good.  The next day, upon waking, I took all of my medications and tried going back to sleep.  My energy was pretty low and I didn't have much of an appetite.  My friend Taylor stopped by and brought me a smoothie, which is my go to food for after chemo days.  I was feeling a bit of the nausea but I kept on my med schedule and it wasn't too bad.  Later that evening, I was to take a Neulasta shot.  I heard about bone pain associated with this.  My doctor had explained to me something about the white blood cells being made in the bone marrow and that's why there's bone pain.  So if I get bone pain, that means it was working.  Another tip I picked up from my support group is that Claritin D helps with the bone pain.  So in addition to the morphine I was taking, I was well prepared to battle the bone pain.  I don't know the retail value of Neulasta but it is a very expensive drug.  Seeing that without insurance on picking up my last refills, it would have cost me $7K altogether.  And I know Xeloda is also one of those expensive drugs.  I've heard Neulasta costs somewhere between $3-7K per injection.  I was surprised that they let me take it home and do it myself, but I guess I am an expert on self injections now that I do Lovenox nightly.  Neulasta is to be injected 24 hours after chemotherapy.  About an hour before I was ready to do the shot, I took it out of the fridge and let it thaw a little, as per the advice of nurse Marita.  I did not want that cold liquid in my belly.  I had my sister give me the injection since I didn't want to deal with the head drama I give myself.  The next day, I woke up feeling sore.  It was an overall soreness in my body and I continued to take my pain meds and anti nausea.  Overall, it really wasn't bad and I didn't think I had any horrible side effects.  

It is now 6 days after my last chemo and I've got to tell you, I feel great.  I did stay indoors all weekend because I know my body.  Even though I was feeling good, my body does not agree and I am more likely to get dizzy, get feverish, and pass out.  I don't need the extra drama so I prefer to stay indoors and take it easy.  Earlier today I was able to make a quick trip to the post office and then off to get a pedicure.  It was quite uneventful as I didn't pass out on anybody.  Tomorrow, in several hours, I will be heading off to Kaiser in South San Francisco go get my port placement surgery.  I will be asleep and won't feel a thing and have 100% confidence in the doctors and staff.  I'm very excited about this because it's only going to make my chemo infusions much easier to receive.  I plan on battling cancer for a long time and if getting a port makes it easy, I'm all for it.  Cancer may have tripped me up a couple a time within these past weeks but I'm not worried.  I'm fully confident in my treatment plan and cancer hasn't seen me pull out the big guns.  Just wait, Cancer, you haven't even seen the tip of the ice burg when it comes to what I've got.  You've been warned and I'm ready to fight like hell!

6/19/12 Follow Up Appointment with my Oncologist

At this point, I feel like I have barely started to recover from the most awful chemotherapy I have experienced yet.  I had so many issues along the way but somehow I made it.  It just took a little speaking up on my part and not feeling like I had to tough out so many situations.  My veins were no longer making an appearance and the nurses and phlebotomists were having a hard time finding them and now I have a confirmed appointment with Interventional Radiology on Jun 27th to have my port placed.  You have no idea how excited I am for this.  While I have a nasty habit of watching YouTube videos on these procedures, I have not yet watched one on the port so I haven't scared myself silly yet.  Having a port means that all my blood draws for pre chemo blood work will be done through here and also my infusions will be coming through my port.  It will be placed in my chest.  To give you an idea of what we're talking about, here is an illustration of the port.

It will fit nicely under my skin and I'll be able to shower and swim like an average person.  Everyone that I have talked to about their port loves it and has nothing bad to say about it and this puts my mind at ease.  The only other needle sticks that I'll be getting is my Lovenox shots which are self injected around my navel but that isn't a big deal.  

Ready to see my oncologist!

My sister came with me to my follow up appointment and we arrived at Kaiser South San Francisco just as they were closing up the weekly Farmer's Market that they host there on Tuesdays.  We were able to grab a bag of delicious kettle corn and I went inside to check in.  Since I was seeing my oncologist today, the visit was a $20 copay.  I got called back and the medical assistant took my weight and vitals.  I had lost about 4 lbs since the last time they weighed me which really isn't all that bad considering how much fluid I carry in my belly.  I wait in the room for my doctor to come in and she arrives with a smile. We shake hands and she asks me how I've been doing.  I tell her about how chemo #5 was really hard on me and how we hit some bumps in the road but that I was finally feeling great and I was ready for another round.  We go over the procedural questions we always go through.  Any mouth sores? Tingling in fingers or toes?  Any shortness of breath?  The list is on and on and I typically don't have any symptoms or side effects.  Earlier that morning, I had gone to the lab at Kaiser in San Mateo to do my pre chemo blood work.  I had been getting the results of these tests and while I was checking them out to see if they were coming back within normal range, I wasn't trying to get myself worked up over them.  One of the tests that I look out for is my Neutrophils.  This basically tells me if my immune system is low and whether we can proceed with chemo or not.  I saw that the number was low and I was discouraged at the thought that I would not be able to do chemo the next day.  In the past when I was neutropenic, my oncologist would reduce dosage on the chemo and let me take a week break for my body to recover. I asked my doctor about this. She said that while my immune system was low, she did not want to risk taking a break from chemo as we already knew that my cancer is feisty and would probably grow.  I need to have chemo in my body consistently.  She explained to me that we would go ahead with chemo for the next day with the same dosage as last only this time, I would be getting a Neulasta shot on Thursday to help boost my white blood cells.  When I had my CT scan done on June 4th, I hadn't asked my doctor what she meant when she told me that my cancer had grown. I guess in the moment of things I was just angry and I didn't think I could handle what that meant.  But today I wanted to know.  I asked her how much my pelvic tumor had grown and she told me it went from 22 cm at diagnosis, to 14 cm after 3 cycles of chemotherapy, and now up to 20 cm after taking that 2 week break from chemo.  Now I knew what I was working with.  I was a bit devastated to know that my mass had grown 6 cm in such a short amount of time but I was also very ready to fight this even harder now. I asked what the game plan was in terms of my next PET scan and she told me that we would do one after chemo #8.  She also told me that the results of the fluid collected from my thoracentesis came back normal.  Well, as normal as can be.  The fluid is caused by my stomach cancer and there is NO cancer in my lungs.  I was very relieved to learn about this.  I didn't know if I could take another bump in the road.  We refilled my prescriptions and I headed down to the pharmacy to pick up my medications.  I had 7 of them to pick up.  I was absolutely stunned to see the retail cost of my medications.  Luckily my copay was only $100 for all my meds and with the office visit, spending $120 was a blessing to me. It just amazes me what prescriptions cost here in the US.  

Another Round of Blood Clots

In continuing with my blog titled "Bumps in the Road," I was surprised to find out that you can develop blood clots while on Coumadin.  Every week, I had to go in to the lab and get a test performed called INR to see where my Coumadin level was at.  Ideally we wanted it between 2-3 and it was extremely hard achieving this.  Anything under meant that my blood was too thick and anything above meant that my blood was too thin.  Diet is another one of those things that affects the Coumadin level.  After chemo #5, I had a few horrible episodes of loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea.  Needless to say, my Coumadin level was out of whack and I developed a blood clot on my right side of neck and right arm.  The pain in my neck was horrible and I couldn't move my head around.  After a few days, the pain in my neck went away but it remained in my right arm and it got to the point where I needed help dressing myself as I couldn't move my arm around.  I had to keep my arm close to my body, almost as if it was being held in place by an invisible sling.  Finally by Thursday, June 14th, I had had enough of the arm pain.  I emailed my oncologist and expressed to her my concerns that the morphine was not helping with the pain and I was wondering what other options we had for treating this blood clot.  She emailed me back shortly and told me that if I was up to it, I could go back on Lovenox.  Lovenox is another blood thinner that I would inject myself with nightly.  When I was first diagnosed with blood clots in my lungs back in April, I was placed on both Lovenox and Coumadin.  I was only on the shots for 4 days before I was taken off of them and then just exclusively used Coumadin.  I told my oncologist to go ahead and switch me back to Lovenox and I went by Kaiser in South San Francisco that afternoon to go pick up my new medication.  There's just something weird about injecting myself that makes my tummy fill with butterflies.  But compared to the pain that I was in, I was willing to try anything.  My sister and her boyfriend accompanied me to the pharmacy and I was so shocked to see what the retail value of Lovenox is without insurance.  I cannot thank the Lord enough for my $10 copay!

The retail price of one months' supply of Lovenox.

That evening, I prepped my tummy for my shot by swiping an area around my navel with an alcohol pad. I asked my sister to help me out by doing the injection for me.  There's really nothing to it.  And I greatly appreciated her helping me.  This was one less thing that I had to worry about.  All the pain I've gone through.  All the nausea.  All the vomiting.  All the needle sticks.  All the infusions.  I needed a break.  This was one last thing that my brain didn't have to freak out about...that I had to stick myself with needles from here on out.  My sister squirmed a little, but I told her to just stab me with the needle and within 60 seconds, we were done.  She subsequent days, my friend Taylor stopped by and helped me with my injections.  And I couldn't thank him enough for doing that for me.  Taylor has been a good friend of mine for about 6 years now.  We used to work together and when I transferred out of that office, we kept in touch.  It's great to know that I have my circle of friends who are willing to help me out with these things that freak me out.  Cancer has been a journey that I have had to physically endure and getting help with these shots is just one less thing I have to worry about.

By the time I woke up Saturday morning (just 2 days after starting Lovenox shots), I noticed that I started to have a great range of motion in my right arm.  A couple of days ago, it was completely useless.  I couldn't lift it up above my head without feeling extreme pain.  I couldn't extend my arm out to open the faucet of water.  But now, my arm was doing a happy dance.  I was so thrilled that Lovenox was working.  I still did have quite a bit of swelling in my right arm but I was just grateful that my range of motion was back and that the pain was now minimal.

Swollen right arm due to blood clot.

Another view of my swollen right arm due to blood clot.

 It's now been one week since I've been on Lovenox and the pain in my right arm is gone.  It is 100% now fully functional and there is absolutely no swelling.  My right clavicle is now starting to show and the frightful green look of my veins showing on my chest has gone down. Blood clots are not fun.  They are so painful.  And I'm just hoping that now we are on the right track of preventing them.  While it may have been very easy to swallow a pill (Coumadin) every night, it was extremely high maintenance to get my blood level right and I was getting tired of going to the lab 1-2 times a week just to check to see where I was at.  I'm so glad I don't have to put myself through that again!  For now, I'm enjoying the help I'm getting from my sister who is staying with me for a few days and giving me my shots.  I know that eventually I'll have to muster up the courage to do them myself but for now, I'm sitting back and relaxing.

Time for a Thoracentesis

According to Wikipedia, a thoracentesis is an invasive procedure to remove fluid or air from the pleural space for diagnostic or therapeutic purposes.  As I've mentioned before, I have had pleural effusion in my left lung since my symptoms of stomach cancer started to arise in November 2011. At that time, it was small and not causing me any shortness of breath so there was no need to go in and drain the fluid.  It wasn't until after chemo infusion #5 that I started having shortness of breath.  I couldn't lay on my back to sleep as the pressure on my chest would not allow me to breath.  I had to sleep propped up on pills on my left side.  In the past, I would use Tylenol 3 to minimize my coughing associated with the pleural effusion with great success.  But since my doctor had now put me on morphine for pain, I wasn't allowed to use Tylenol 3 because of drug interactions.  I toughed it out as long as I could and finally told my oncologist that I would consider a thoracentesis if there was enough fluid in my fluid to be able to drain it.  After my therapy appointment on Monday, June 11th, I stopped by the Radiology department and checked in for my x-ray.  I was having pain in my neck from the suspected blood clot and this x-ray wasn't just the standing one.  I did the standing x-ray and then the tech had me lay on a fancy table on my side.  It was very uncomfortable.  I was having shortness of breath but the tech tried working as fast as she could.  Later in the afternoon, my oncologist called and confirmed that I have a large pleural effusion and she was sending a referral over to the Pulmonologist who would be performing the thoracentesis.  They should be calling me shortly to schedule the procedure for tomorrow.  I waited and waited but no one called.  In the morning, I waited and waited some more and still no call.  I sent an email to my oncologist and asked her to please follow up.  She emailed me back and said she reminded them and to expect a call soon.  Finally at 2pm, I got a call from the Pulmonologist's office and they asked me to come in at 4pm that afternoon.  My family from LA had just arrived and I wanted to go in Wednesday for the thoracentesis but the lady on the phone told me there was no other time for my doctor to do it so I agreed.  I took some liquid morphine before the appointment.  My cousin Delia drove me in with my aunt as my sister stayed behind with the rest of my family. I was also switching cable/internet companies and the tech was there so I needed my sister to keep an eye on him.

We arrive at the hospital and check in.  I was extremely nervous.  I had previously watch a video on the procedure on YouTube and it scared me. The patient was a guy so I figured he was being strong because he never flinched.  The thought of a cannula going through my back freaked me out.  I got called back and my cousin and aunt came with me.  I met Dr. Haq and he explained what was going on and updated me on the conversation he had with my oncologist regarding my situation.  I was on Coumadin and there's always that chance that I could bleed but since I had a blood clot in my neck, my doctor did not feel comfortable taking me off of my blood thinner.  Dr. Haq is an amazing doctor.  He told me he prayed for me the night before and it touched my heart.  He showed me my chest x-ray and I was amazed to see how much fluid I had in my lung.  No wonder I was short of breath! The doctor told me he expected to remove about a liter of fluid.  I joked around with him asking him if he had done this before, asking him if he had recently graduated from med school, and if he was selling used cars before this.  We all laughed. 

He left the room and allowed me to change into my hospital gown.  I had to have Delia help me undress since I was having pain in my neck and arm.  Once I was ready, Dr. Haq came back into the room along with Nurse Gail who would be assisting.  I sat in a chair with my arms resting on a stretcher.  Delia stood to my right holding my hand.  I squeezed tightly. Dr. Haq felt in between my ribs and used the tattoo of a Ganesh I have on my back as a reference to where he would be making the insertion.  He sterilized the area and then gave me a shot of Lidocaine to numb the area.  The shot hurt but then I started to think about the fact that I have my back completely covered in tattoos and how painful that was and I immediately got over it.  Dr. Haq started explaining to me step by step what he was doing I realized I couldn't handle him tell him what he was doing so I told him there was no need to and I'll do the talking. I distracted myself by talking about randoms things.  Then all of a sudden when the cannula went in, I let a bit of a scream out and jumped.  It felt like I had gotten electrocuted.  I've never been electrocuted, but I have been shocked by those toys that have a hidden shocking device installed. It was like that and I felt it in my abdomen.  Like a bolt going through my back and bouncing in my abdominal cavity.  It only lasted a couple of seconds and then I was fine.  The pain was very minimal.  Dr. Haq told me to tell him if I was having any pain or shortness of breath.  He said that when I start coughing, that would be his cue to stop.  Delia was able to peek over and see what he was doing and she said that after he had given me the Lidocaine shot, she had him insert a metal tube that looked scary. Thank God I wasn't able to see any of this.  I chatted with Delia as the fluid was being drained out my lung.  Dr. Haq collected one liter of fluid and started on another.  The bottle was filled up about a quarter of a way when I started coughing.  This means that my lung was starting to expand back into place.  He removed the tube and bandaged me up.  Nurse Gail applied pressure to the insertion site to minimize bleeding.  The fluid looked like apple juice with white foam on top.  Dr. Haq explained that the fluid would be sent to the lab to check for infection and other things.  There is a good chance that the fluid would come back, just like ascites, and there was nothing I could do to prevent this. 

Sorry for the bad pic but this is one liter of chest fluid.

My next stop was over in the Radiology department where I was to get a chest x-ray.  I held onto the bag which contained my chest fluid and I snuck a picture of it.  Nurse Gail wheeled me over and I checked in.  Gail walked across the hall to the lab to drop off my fluid.  A tech called in back shortly afterwards and I luckily it was just a standing standing x-ray.  Dr. Haq had told me to wait around afterwards for a minute while he took a look over the x-ray before I left.  He checked it out and gave me the ok.  Delia wheeled me into the dressing room and I put my dress back on with her assistance.  She drove me home where I sat in my recliner resting for a bit before dinner.  I was to take it easy, eat a light meal, and I couldn't shower for 24 hours.  If I had any complications, I was to call the advice nurse or head to the ER but luckily I didn't have any.  

Site of where cannula was inserted.

Even though I was completely freaked out by the thought of the procedure, it really was not bad at all.  And it wasn't painful.  I really do need to stop watching YouTube videos.  My oncologist told me to let her know if I had anymore issues with shortness of breath so we can drain my lung again.  And if I do need one done again, I won't be scared.  I'll just need to hold onto someone's hand and squeeze hard! 

Bumps in the Road

These past two weeks have been really testing my strength.  When I went to sleep on Sunday, June 3rd, I had a hard time.  My left lung had so much fluid in it and I couldn't lay on my back to sleep. I had to sleep on my left side.  At this point, the oxycodone was not helping relieve my pain and neither was any of my anti nausea medication.  The next morning my brother and mom were flying back out to Seattle.  I was debating on whether or not I should go to the ER because in my head I was freaking myself out that my cancer was growing.  But I told myself that I had to tough it out until the morning when I could call my oncologist.  Monday morning finally rolled around and at 8:30am sharp, I called my oncologist.  I spoke with the medical assistant and told her to have my oncologist call me because I was in a lot of pain.  Janet, my friend/niece that stays with me, took my family to the airport and I somehow managed to fall asleep.  I woke up at around 10:30am and I realized that my oncologist still had not called me.  I figured Monday's are probably most crazy for her.  I had a friend stop by and drop off some weed brownies.  I was so grateful.  We chatted for a minutes and when she left at 11am, I called my doctor again to see what was up.  The medical assistant told me that my doctor was just very busy but she would remind her.  At this point, I was in so much pain that I just decided I would head to the ER.  I had Janet drive me in and on the way, I called my oncologist again and left the message that I was headed to the ER because I couldn't stand the pain anymore.  Luckily, when I was about 3 blocks away from the hospital, my oncologist finally calls me back.  She apologized for the delay but gave me a couple of options.  I could go to the ER if the pain was excruciating, or I could head to the Radiology department and have a CT scan done.  She wanted to do a scan of my abdomen to see if we can find the answer as to why I was suddenly having uncontrollable pain.  I figured I could tough it out a couple more hours so I head to Radiology.  I check in and get called to the back shortly.  A tech comes out and tells me that I have to drink a little jug of solution.  Luckily it only tasted like water but I had to drink it all in 15 minutes.  And I had to go pee every 10 minutes.  Tech said he would come back in an hour to check on me.

Feeling miserable and waiting for my CT scan

I finally get my IV in and go in for the scan.  I lay on the little bed.  This is very uncomfortable for me since I know I have fluid in my lungs and its causing me to be short of breath.  The scan begins and I get slid in and out of the donut shaped machine.  Then the point comes where the contrast is injected into my IV.  This was painful.  It stung my arm but I bit my tongue and waited for the procedure to be over.  I waited outside the CT scan room while the radiologist looked over the scan.  I also had to wait for them to speak with my oncologist to see if my IV could be removed.  I received a call from the medical assistant who told me to have them leave my IV in and to head on over to the oncology center when I was done because I would receive fluids and IV Zofran (anti nausea) there.  One of the techs walked me over to the oncology center and nurse Pauline led me to a chemo chair.  She hooked me up to the machine and started my fluids and Zofran.  She said she would be giving me a subcutaneous shot of morphine for my pain.  I asked if my oncologist was around as I wanted to speak to her.  A few minutes later, she appeared.  She told me that she had some news from the CT scan.  She told me words that I dreaded hearing.  My cancer had grown.  That's why I was experiencing pain.  During the 2 weeks that I was off of chemo, cancer saw this and took advantage and started growing.  My oncologist felt my pelvic tumor and agreed that it did feel bigger than at our last appointment.  I knew it had grown.  I would lay in bed at night and feel it.  It felt bigger to me.  I didn't cry.  I didn't show emotion.  Deep down, I was secretly pissed.  My oncologist explained to me that we would have to stay on a strict chemo schedule so I wasn't allowed anymore chemo holidays.  No problem.  I'm ready to kick this jerk in the nards!  The scan also showed that the fluid in my lung had increased.  So I no longer had a small pleural effusion in my left lung but it was now large.  That is why I was getting short of breath.  I was to continue Lasix but if that didn't help, then I would have to get my lung drained by a procedure called thoracentesis.  I was not looking forward to that.  I physically started to feel better and my doctor was now taking me off of Tylenol 3 and oxycodone for pain and switching me to morphine.  I was also now doubling my dosage of Zofran at home to help control my nausea. I was now up to 80 mg of Lasix to help get the fluid out of my belly and I can continue to use that.  When 5pm rolled around, Pauline took my IV out and sent me home. Janet and I stopped at Hooters to grab something to eat as I hadn't eaten anything since last night.  When you feel miserable, you don't want to eat and now that I was feeling good, I was going to take advantage of it.

The bruise I got from my IV from the CT scan. 

The rest of the week, I spent it on the couch catching up on my DVR.  I devoured my weed brownies.  They are the best thing for stimulating my appetite. By Thursday, I started developing a pain in my right jaw and clavicle.  When I would eat something tart or sour, I would really feel the pain.  When I tried eating my pizza for lunch, it was getting stuck in my throat so I drank some water to wash it down.  I then started coughing and all of a sudden my lunch came back up!  I had to change since I had thrown up on myself.  On Friday, I had nothing planned but had to stop by the lab to get my Coumadin level checked.  I showered and then started to get ready.  I was applying my make up and then suddenly I started to feel sick.  I had taken my anti-nause meds at about 6am and hadn't eating anything since I wasn't feeling hungry.  I sat down and took a break.  Next I had to RUN to the bathroom.  I started vomiting uncontrollably.  The nausea was horrible.  I was now concerned that I wasn't going to make it out of the apartment.  I ended up vomiting a good three times before it finally stopped.  I had tried taking some Compazine (anti-nausea) when I thought I was done throwing up, but since I wasn't done, the pills just came back up.  I was able to finally make it to the lab.  The phlebotomist took a look at my arms and suggested she use a very small needle on the inside of my wrists since I was all bruised up and she couldn't find any of my veins.  I agreed.  The poke didn't hurt but I noticed that as the blood was being drawn, the poke site started to puff up.  I think this is infiltration and it's not a good thing.  She pulled the needle out and luckily had gotten enough blood.  She bandaged me back up.  Later on I was so mad because my wrist hurt and I ended up getting a very bad bruise on my wrist!

Horrible bruise that hurt!!!

I emailed my doctor to let her know I was having a bad episode of nausea and vomiting and asked if there was another option of anti-nausea, like a patch, since I wasn't keeping anything down. I also told her about the pain on my right clavicle and jaw.  She wrote back to me explaining that the pain sounded like bony pain caused by the cancer.  I'll take that.  I kept telling myself that it was my cancer spreading and scaring myself.  She ordered me some suppositories that I can take for the nausea if I was not able to take oral pills. Yuck.  I did not want to put anything up my rectum but at least I had that option.  She also told me to come in to the oncology center and she would hook me up with some fluid.  My sister had came over to deliver her recliner that she was letting me borrow and I had her drop me off at the oncology center.  I had nurse Elsie and she had a hard time finding a vein to put my IV in.  While I was in the chair, I emailed my doctor and asked her if I could have a port and she agreed and said she would send a referral to Interventional Radiology.

Another reason why I need a port.

That weekend, the pain in my jaw started to migrate down to my neck.  It got to be very painful and I couldn't move my neck much.  It was also hard for me to swallow as this caused more neck pain.  When Monday rolled around, the right side of my neck was swollen and I noticed that my veins were looking very green and visible.  I couldn't see the veins on my left side.  I was moving somewhat like a robot and the pain was at an all time high.  I wasn't eating much and I was short of breath.  I had a 10am therapy appointment, a blood draw for my Coumadin level, and also a chest x-ray to see if there was enough fluid in my lungs to be able to do a thoracentesis.  I also emailed my oncologist to let her know that the pain in my neck was worse.  I didn't think this was bone pain since there are no bones in the neck other than the spine.  I went to my therapy session and afterwards I checked in at Radiology.  While waiting for my name to be called, I made a quick phone call to the oncology center.  I spoke with one of the medical assistants and told her about my neck and that I was in Radiology if I could stop by real quick to have my doctor take a peak at my neck.  She told me to come over right away.  I rushed over and luckily my doctor was in between patients.  She looked at my neck and gave it a feel.  I told her that I was concerned it might be a blood clot.  This idea had came to me as I had earlier messaged a caregiver in one of my support groups and something similar had happened to her mom.  My doctor agreed that it looked like a blood clot.  Since I am already on Coumadin, I'm on the right track for treating it, and we addressed the pain by increasing the dosage of my morphine.  I ran back to Radiology for my chest x-ray.

My right side is swollen.  Can't see clavicle and veins are visible.

Later that afternoon, my oncologist called me confirming that I had a very large pleural effusion and that the pulmonary specialist's office would call me with an appointment for tomorrow to have my lung drained.  While I was happy to finally be getting some relief, I was so nervous to be having this procedure done since I had watched a YouTube video on it and it freaked me out.

These minor bumps in the road have really been testing me.  I feel like I've had to endure so much pain when I really didn't have to.  I'm glad I have a great relationship with my oncologist and whenever I contact her, she is fairly quick to get back to me and addresses all my concerns.  I have to admit, feeling sick from chemo and getting the blood clot in my neck did make me feel like my body is falling apart.  I was confused as to what my body was trying to tell me.  Was it that it was all downhill from here?  I felt like my time left was being drastically cut.  So much that one evening, I grabbed an old, empty notebook and started to compose a hand written letter addressed to my family regarding my final thoughts and wishes.  I told myself that this was way too early, but based on the level of pain that I was having, I knew that it was just safer to write it out now.  I wrote about what I wanted to be done to my body and what type of memorial service I wanted.  I pointed out the things of value that I own and who I wanted them to go to. I tried to keep it light hearted and threw in a few jokes.  I got the majority of what I wanted to say written down in that letter but I knew that I wasn't done yet.  So far, it's 5 pages long.  I told one of my sister's about this letter and where they would find it.  I told her that it wasn't to be read until I was no longer here.  At one point, I did take a break and a few tears ran down my cheeks.  I'm 30 and I'm writing a letter about my final thoughts and wishes.  This is my life and my reality.  I plan on fighting and fighting until the wheels fall off, but I'm also realistic.  Anything can happen to me at any moment and I want to make sure that my voice is heard and also lessen the burden for my family.  Hopefully that letter won't be read by anyone else's eyes for a VERY long time.

Chemo Infusion #5, Wednesday May 30, 2012

I flew back in from Seattle on the 29th of May.  I spent a lot of time at the airport in Portland, where I had a layover, because SFO was delaying flights coming in due to weather.  I was supposed to arrive at 10am but didn't get in until around 2pm.  My mom and brother were on another flight coming to the Bay Area with me.  They were delayed as well but we got in around the same time.  My friend Taylor picked me up from the airport and I had him drive me straight to the Kaiser in South San Francisco so I could get my pre chemo blood work.  My blood work came back all good and I was set to do chemo the next day.

I had my little brother drive me to my chemo appointment which was at 9:15am.  I didn't pack anything with me this time.  I figured I would sleep and play on my phone.  This time I had Beth as my nurse.  I really like Beth.  She is super nice.  She hooked up my IV and started my fluids.  Then I got my Epirubicin and Cisplatin.  She also squeezed my Aredia treatment in, which is for my bones, since I get that every 4 weeks and I was due for it.  I was in the chair again for 6 hours.  I wore my Wonder Woman shirt and nothing on my head.  I displayed my short hair proudly.

Nurse Beth putting the IV in

Chilling in the chair

Epirubicin time!

I figured this was a typical chemo, although my oncologist had reduced the dosage since my counts from the 14th had showed my immune system was too low, and I went home as usual.  I had my brother take me to Jamba Juice on the way home and I picked up a smoothie with a protein shot.  I got home and snuggled up into bed.  I decided to take some Ativan to knock me out so I could nap.  I don't know what happened while I was asleep but I woke up feeling like CRUD! I had a really bad case of chemo brain.  This is real.  My mind was so foggy.  And when I would get up to go to the bathroom, I would run into walls and was off balance.  At one point, I didn't even make it to the bathroom in time and wet my pants.  I felt so miserable.  I didn't understand why the chemo was hitting me so hard.  I had not experienced this in my previous infusions.  The video at the top, I had created that night.  I cried a lot being in pain.  I felt like giving up at one point.  All I could do was take pain medication and sleep, hoping that the next day I would feel better.  Thursday was a bit better but I was still miserable.  I called Fidelity to see if I could withdraw my 401K money but I couldn't. It's stuck in there.  That was discouraging.  I don't know why I was worrying about finances the day after chemo.  That was just a bad idea.  By afternoon time, I took some more Ativan to help with my nausea and to just put me to sleep.  The chemo brain was still in full effect and I wasn't eating much.  I had my little brother go to the smoothie place in the mall and get me something to sip on.  I had my moments where I was feeling ok but overall, I was having a hard time.  

Sunday rolled around and I was still feeling uneasy.  My sister had gotten everyone tickets to the comedy show for Gabriel Iglesias at the Improv in San Jose.  I wasn't feeling well enough to go so I had to stay home.  I was totally jealous when she had arranged for a Bentley limo to drive them to the show!  My sister was able to talk to Gabriel Iglesias and tell him that I was sick and unable to make it to the show.  He kindly gave my sister an autographed cardboard cut out for me. That was so nice of him!  He also made a video on her cell phone giving me a shout out.  

Mom and little brother with my autographed cut out in the limo.

By Sunday evening, I am still miserable.  I couldn't sleep because I felt like there was something pushing on my lungs.  I knew I had fluid in my belly that I had to get rid of.  I had to sleep on my side that night with lots of pillows propping me up.  Breathing was so uncomfortable.  I kept freaking myself out that maybe I should go to the ER but I wanted to wait it out.  If I could just hold out until 8:30am when my oncologist got to the office, I could call her and she would be able to advise me on what to do.  I really didn't want to spend $100 on the ER copay and the other issue was that my brother and mom were flying out in the morning so I didn't want to worry them by going to the hospital.  I didn't sleep much, but as soon as the clock turned to 8:30am, I called my oncologist and had the medical assistant tell her how I was in a lot of pain and to call me back asap.  

Seattle Trip May 22-29th

I was in Seattle May 22nd-29th visiting my family.  The plan was that I was supposed to do chemo #5 on May 15th and then I would take a week to recover then head out on my trip.  That didn't go as planned because my blood work on the 14th came back with my immune system being too low so we had to delay chemo by a week.  Since I already had my trip planned, my doctor said  I could resume chemo when I got back.  I figured being off of chemo for 2 weeks would allow my body to feel great as I wouldn't be taking Xeloda (oral chemo pills).  I was wrong.  The day I arrived in Seattle, I felt my belly getting big.  At this point I had been off of chemo for a week and apparently my ascites was acting up.  I had the pregnant looking belly going on.  You can see pics in a previous blog post, Belly Shots.   My doctor told me to take 40 mg of Lasix to try to rid my body of the fluid but I had a hard time taking Lasix because I was traveling and didn't have easy access to a bathroom.  When Lasix gets going, I pee every 10 minutes.  Can't do that when I'm on a car ride into Canada.  I opted to delay taking the pills so my belly just kept getting bigger and I was feeling extremely uncomfortable.  It was affecting my eating because I felt like the fluid was crowding my stomach and I couldn't fit much in there.

Pike Place

My first day in Seattle, my sister Maggie took me down to Pike Place.  I was so happy when we had falafels for lunch!  I only ate half so I got left overs for dinner.  We also hit up the Muckleshoot Casino where I got to play on the slots.  My brother in law tried teaching me his tricks because he kept winning and I kept losing.  I only lost $20 which is ok because I had fun.  I stayed at my sister's place that night and I got to meet her new kitten, Charlie.  Charlie is a 4 month siamese and she is sooooo adorable.  It wasn't until I met Charlie that I realized how much I really do love cats.  Charlie got to sleep with me and she tried nibbling my ears all night!  She is such an energetic little kitten.

Me and Miss Charlie

Wednesday night we were able to hit up a Sounders game.  It was so much fun!  There were so many people there and the energy of the crowd was amazing.  I was also able to meet up an old friend from high school. 

Sounders Game

Next on the list was a short 2 day trip to Canada.  I had never been to Canada before even though I grew up in WA and lived in Seattle for a couple years.  Getting into Canada was not fun as the border agents were a bit of jerks.  But once we got over that hump, we arrived to our hotel in Surrey.  One of the things that we were able to do in Canada was go to the Capilano Suspension Bridge.  It is a beautiful sight and it's surrounded by so many trees.  I of course had been battling nausea all week and it was scaring my stomach when we crossed the bridge.  It was so wobbly!  There were points where we would be on solid ground but my body felt like the ground was moving.  They also built a walkway along a cliff made of glass.  It was very cool but scary to think that only those little cables were holding it up.  

Walk way along the cliff

Capilano Suspension Bridge

We arrived back in Seattle that Saturday and my whole family was finally together.  It was the first time in YEARS that my parents and all of their 9 kids were under one roof.  My sister who lives with me in the Bay Area made a last minute decision to fly on up.  It does seem like I have a big family but it's really not that big, although it was tough finding enough beds for everyone to sleep in.  On Sunday my sister threw a bbq birthday party for her husband and everyone was invited.  My childhood friend, Muriel, was able to stop by and I was so excited to see her after all these years.  There was tons of delicious food and again I was dealing with my belly full of fluid and my appetite and tiny.  

The Campos Clan

 There were nights when I was in Seattle and I would lay in bed and cry silently.  It breaks my heart to know that in 10 years I won't be around for these reunions.  But what I do have is right now.  And that's why I'm so big on traveling.  I want to spend time with my family.  And I want them to come visit me.  I've been asked before if I would consider moving back and I think that I would.  If it came to a point where I'm on state insurance and chemo isn't working for me anymore, maybe I would go back to Seattle.  But I'm not sure.  Right now my life is here in the Bay Area and my doctors are here. My treatment is here. I'm super happy with how everything is going and I don't want to give that up.  I hate thinking about losing my independence.  I know my rent is high but I like living alone.  And Janet, my friend/niece, stays with me so she helps me out and makes sure that I'm still breathing.  I also have the option of moving in with my sister in Fremont but again, I have my treatment on this side of the Bay.  I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time and plan things around my chemo.  My Seattle trip was so precious to me and I'm glad that I went, even if it meant delaying chemo by a week.  I value everyone who takes the time to reach out to me, message me, hang out with me, call and check in on me.  I appreciate it so much.  But I am sometimes cautious about people's motives.  I want people to care for me because they genuinely care about me and not because they think that I'm dying.  Don't reach out to me because you want to feel better about yourself that you are friends with a cancer patient.  And I've said it before that it does hurt me that certain people have not reached out to me but it's ok and I really don't hold it against them.  I was texting someone the other day that I used to be very close to.  She apologized to me for not being vocal and not knowing what to say as she was having a hard time believing that I have cancer.  It made me think about what my life would be like right now had I not had cancer.  Where would I be?  I would probably still be that serial dater girl.  Cancer has taught me a lot about life and the value of relationships.  It's unfortunate that I had to learn that way but I really can't regret anything.  I've met so many awesome people throughout my journey.  I've connected with other warriors and caregivers.  People who know what I'm going through.  I just want people to know that it's never too late or awkward to say hello to me.  I've connected with my dear childhood friend, Rachel, recently and she has been this awesome support to me.  We text on a daily basis and it's not always about cancer, although I can really go to her with how I'm feeling that day and I won't scare her. 

I'm hoping that we find a cure for cancer soon.  I know that we're working on it.  And until then, I will continue to fight this demon head on with all my might.  I've learned just how tough I am being able to push through the pain.  I might complain here and there but I'm not giving up.