Earning Wings: The Beginning of A New Journey

"Cancer.  The first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before i go to sleep.  it consumes my day but I will not let it dictate my life.  happiness, encouragement, and inspiration are my daily goals.  If I have given you that, then my job is done an I will do it all over again tomorrow."  Marta Campos

It is with great sadness that we, the Campos family share with you the following news.  On Saturday November 17, 2012, our dear beloved Marta earned her wings.  She was surrounded by her family, beloved cats, and all the positive energy and prayers from her local and international support community.  Marta wanted her family to hold two memorials, one in Washington state and one in California.  She wished us to celebrate her life and live ours to the fullest.  She was grateful to the many individuals in her life.

Please accept our apologies for the delay in updating this blog.  However, we thank you for allowing us to mourn in privacy.

Donations can be made to the following charities:  No Stomach for Cancer, American Cancer Society, and Homeless Cat Network (where she adopted Dash from).

Cards to the family can be sent to:  Campos Family, c/o Team Marta, 4016 Lake Washington Blvd N #3, Renton WA  98056.

We currently have a limited supply of wrist bands for those who have not yet requested one.  Please let us know if you have not requested one and would like one.  We will not be reordering anymore once these are gone.

Thank you for reading and sharing her blog.  We leave you with one more quote from Marta.

"I've realized that I will never lose my battle against cancer.  Although there is no cure and I will earn my wings one day, filling my life with beautiful people an experiences makes me a winner.  I love my family, friends, and supporters dearly.  Thank you all for helping me create a life worth living when it matters most."  Marta Campos

Marta thanking everyone on 11/14/12.
She loved you all.

I'm Coming Home

If things have gone according to plan, right now I am taking off from SFO on a Virgin American flight up to Seattle.  I have decided to completely relocated from the Bay Area to live my final days out with my family up in Seattle.  I decided not to announce this ahead of time because I didn't want to deal with setting up time with people to say goodbye and deal with those emotions.  Seriously, only a handful of people knew that I would be moving.  I'm flying out tonight, Thursday, with my mom and caretakers and kitties.  Saturday, my brothers and brother-in-law will be in the Bay Area to drive the Uhaul and my Honda up to Seattle.  I will be transferring hospice care up to Seattle and meeting with my new oncologist on Friday.  I am so sad to have to say goodbye to my old oncologist, chemo nurses, and home health care nurses like Paula and Nancy.  They have had a tremendous impact on my life and will never know how much they mean to me.  Part of my final wishes are to spent my last few months with my family and I'm just making that happen.  Although the few friends that have supported me through my entire journey will no longer be able to just jump in the car and visit me, I am only a 2 hour plane ride away now.  I will continue to update everyone on my Team page via Facebook to see how I'm doing and try to get on my blog also.  If it does come to a point where I cannot do updates myself, I will ask one of my sisters to guest blog for me to let you know how I am.  Ultimately, the final moments of my journey will be extremely private and I will leave it up to my family on just how much they wish to disclose.

I hope you all understand my desire to relocate to my home state and no one takes it personal as to why I did not announce this sooner.  I moved to the Bay back in 2001 with the intentions of hanging out for a year and I ended up liking it so much that I stayed.  It had always been my goal to get married and stay here but things didn't work out that way.

As of November 9th, 2012, I will no longer be in my apartment in San Mateo, CA.  I will be safe and sound in Seattle.  While I will have my mail forwarded, please do not stop by my apartment or send me mail to that address. Should my miracle arrive, I will rebuild my life in Seattle and start over there.

Much love,
Marta

Final Pet Scan Results

Again, my sincere apologies for taking a while in updating my blog.  I am much better at updating my Team page on Facebook.  But anyways, I had what will be my final PET scan on October 23rd.  Usual routine occurred where I had to fast and that was torture on my body because I was actually hungry and my appointment was at 2:30pm in Santa Clara.  My family took me to my appointment and at this point, I am using a wheelchair and oxygen.  It's just less stress on my body so why not use the wheelchair.   My sister checks me in and at 2:30pm, the nice tech, Lori, wheels me on out back to the room where she will inject me with radioactive material.  First off, she checks my blood sugar level which is at 99 and we are able to proceed.  I haven't been able to take my cough syrup with codeine in it because of the sugar and so I'm carrying around a garbage bag and box of tissues so I can spit up into something.  Lori injects a radioactive substance into my midline and then I rest in the room with the lights out for about 50 some odd minutes.  She had covered me with warm blankets and I try to get as comfortable as possible on the hospital bed and take a nap.

The next thing I know, a different male tech comes into the room and takes me back to where the PET scan machines are.  First stop, I must try and empty my bladder.  After that, he takes me to my machine where he removes my glasses, straps me down, covers me with warm blankets and then proceeds to tell me to be still for about 20 minutes.  I'm concerned because I'm still coughing like crazy but he said that I can cough, I just can't move my hands to cover my mouth.  I have been practicing mediation and controlling my breathing so this is where those techniques were really going to come in.  The Pet scan is over before I know it and the tech checks my pictures before releasing me.  Everything looks good and I'm free to go.

I don't like going out much.  I'm just too uncomfortable.  Even though I'm getting my pleural cavity drained 4x a week and using Lasix to also rid my body of as much fluid as possible, I just really hate it. My next appointment is on Thursday, October 25th, where I will meet with Dr. R.  She will reveal my PET scan results and she had a good idea of which way I am leaning towards.  That morning, I take my Lasix as prescribed and I'm feeling a little anxious for my PET scan results so I take 1/2 an Ativan to calm me down and to also calm my coughing down.  I just want to sleep until my appointment later that afternoon.  Now this can be a dangerous combination.  Lasix will make me go to the bathroom every 5 minutes and Ativan will knock me out, therefore I have to be careful when making my way to the bathroom or to use the commode in my room.  I kept getting text messages from friends that they were thinking about me and to please let them know my results as soon as I get them.  I was also checking my Facebook and was getting personal messages about how was I doing and did I know what my results were yet.  I started to get a little annoyed by my phone going off with text messages of this and I hadn't even gone to the doctor yet!  At one point, I'm half asleep and I get up to use the commode in my room which is literally two feet away from my bed and I'm just so disoriented and nervous that I just fall.  I didn't trip on anything.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  I guess I must have made a loud thud because my mom comes rushing into my room and tells my sister (we'll refer to her as sister #4), that I have fallen.  My sister rushes in and I lay there. I start to cry.  I explain that I didn't trip or lose consciousness, it was just the nerves.  They help me up and I use my commode.  I felt horrible because I could see the tears in their eyes.  I just needed people to back off.  My appointment for my PET scan results wasn't until 2pm and on top of that, I have 8 siblings and my 2 parents to tell first.  I make myself back into my bed where I continuously use my commode every so often and I just put my phone on silence.

At about 1pm, my mom helps me pick out what I'm going to wear and I take a shower.  We take the oxygen tank down to the car and drive on over to Kaiser.  I ask my sis to grab me a wheel chair and we head on over to my appointment where she helps me check in.  My energy level is low and I wait for the medical assistant to call me back.  Latishma checks my vitals and it looks like I've gained about 8 lbs since I last saw Dr. R.  Dr. R comes into the waiting room where my sister and I are waiting for her.  Dr. R tells me that I was right again.  My cancer is active and growing.  My pelvic tumor remains the same size but it does show that it is active.  I am also showing new cancer growth in my right humerus bone.  She then asked me how I would like to proceed.  She knows that I am tired of putting myself through chemotherapy when it is not working for me.  That's just the gamble you take with chemotherapy because it's not guaranteed to work. I ask her if she agrees that hospice is my best choice at this point since choosing another chemo would lower my chances even more of it working and she does.  Dr. R knows that I want the best quality of life and proceeding with treatment is not going to give me that.  Since I am no longer even going to receive Aredia treatments, Dr. R tells me that the chemo nurses can pull my midline after our appointment.  There is a sigh of relief on my part because it's always been a pain in the butt covering my arm to shower.

And there you have it.  I am now a hospice patient.  I did ask Dr. R what her professional opinion was in terms of how much time I have left but I feel that that information is very private so I will keep that between myself and my family.  Besides, you all know that I feel only God knows when my time is up.  We went over what any other questions I had and then she asked me if I needed any refills on medications.  Afterwards, we wait for Dr. R at the medical assistants station as she is getting some paperwork for me ready and also we are figuring out who is going to pull out my midline catheter where.  Latishma leads me back in the same exam room for this tiny little procedure. When I was in the exam room getting my midline taken out by nurse Gail, I didn't watch and it didn't hurt which was a surprise to me.  A couple of the other chemo nurses came into the room and tears just flowed from my eyes.  These women have taken care of me since January and here I was telling them that I was choosing hospice.  I hated saying goodbye.  I couldn't thank them enough for everything that they have done for me.  I think that's what hurt my heart so much.  I have developed a great relationship with everyone in oncology and here I was saying goodbye to as many faces as I could and I wasn't ready for it.   Definitely not a good day for me.  As soon as we left Kaiser, I just went back to sleep when we got home.  As much as I had prepared myself for the worst results possible, because I know that stomach cancer can be very aggressive and mine has shown me that it has been, it's never easy knowing that you're so much closer to the end of your journey.  I had that little glimmer of hope that my PET scan results would come back at least stable and it was all starting to fade.  But now it was time to start my journey on hospice and I knew that it wasn't a death sentence.  In addition to talking to my LCSW, Joji, about what the hospice program is, Kaiser had also sent out another social worker to talk to me about hospice and she answered all my questions, putting my mind at ease.  Hospice is typically for patients not choosing treatment that have a prognosis under 6 months.   They have nurses that come out and will make you as comfortable as possible.  They are also accessible 24 hours a day.

My family stands by my decision to choose hospice and they respect it.  They do not want to see me miserable and agree that creating the best quality of life is I can is my best option.  I know that by choosing chemo again, I would have to endure side effects and it was most likely not going to work for me.  That's just how the game works.  Dr. R told me in the beginning that chemo would buy me time but that we would get to a point where it just wouldn't work for me anymore.  I really wish that I could change these things but I can't.  My initial prognosis was two years at best and I figured with my age and positive attitude, I had time.  But this cancer has a mind of it's own and I apparently got the sneaky, aggressive kind.  I have no doubt that my oncologist did her best to treat me.  I will forever be grateful for her and her team.

So where does that leave me?  I am feeling ok right now.  I know that in my last posting, I wasn't doing too well but I figured out that if I stay on top of my pain medication and really talk to my nurses about how my body is retaining fluid, then I start to feel better.  There are some major changes coming into my life in the next couple of days that I can't reveal just yet.  In the meantime, I've focused on creating a peaceful environment at home and having talks with God.  I want to be ok with how things played out here on Earth and I don't want to be angry at anyone.   I have had such an overwhelming amount of support on my Team Marta page on Facebook.  They pick me up when I am down and interact with me when I just feel like I need to talk.

One thing that I did want to address is respecting my choice to choose hospice.  This means that I am not open to any clinical trials, Gerson Therapy, Magic Cancer Curing Trees, etc.  As a cancer patient, it's almost like a slap in the face telling me that I'm not trying hard enough to get better and that I'm giving up.  That is not the case.  I was never guaranteed to be cured when I was diagnosed and this is just how my story goes.  I know that when people email me regarding the cure for cancer that they have the best intentions but it really does hurt my feelings.  I know that there are a lot of scams out there and I've done my research.  I'm very comfortable with the decisions that I've made and this is MY journey.

Sorry there are no pictures.  My main priority is to try and feel as good as possible and I am very grateful that I  have caretakers that really help me out.  I have a few friends that help me out with my Team page and then I have my sister that has been helping me out with mailing out my Team Marta wristbands and also my doll project (which I am actually discontinuing).  Things are just getting harder and harder for me to do so it might take me a while to respond to emails or requests.  I plan on fighting this beast until the wheels fall out and if that means I need a few helpers along the way, then so be it.  Hopefully my next update doesn't take me as long to post but I do plan on taking you all the way to the end.  I hope you are all happy and healthy.

Much love,
Marta

Tough Decisions

I'm so sorry I haven't posted in 12 days.  Today I had another round of Aredia treatment for my bones.  I had nurse Mary Ann.  She is another nurse that I haven't had too many times but none the less very nice.  All of the chemo nurses hold a special place in my heart and I love walking into the infusion center being greeted by all the nurses.  Aredia only takes an hour long and afterwards Mary Ann gave me the flu shot.  I cannot afford to get sick so I opted to get one this year.  I went to my appointment a little late because I had an appointment first with my LCSW, Joji.  I hadn't met with him in a couple of weeks and some important things are going on with my treatment and I just had to vent it out to someone who really understands me.

Sitting in the Aredia chair.

Last Friday, the 5th, I had my 3rd cycle of Taxol.  On Thursday I had met with Dr. R and we spoke briefly about where we were at with treatment.  It was now time to schedule my PET scan and there were questions of what if.  What if Taxol is working and shrinking or making my cancer stable?  Did I want to continue it?  What if Taxol is not working and my cancer is growing?  Did I want to try a different type of chemo?  The thing about Taxol, is that it only has a 15-24% chance of working for me.  When I first started my journey, my first chemotherapy, Epirubicin/Cisplatin/Xeloda, had a 40-60% of working for me and Dr. R felt that I had a good chance of responding well to it.  And she was right.  After 3 cycles of ECX, we did a PET and it revealed that my cancer was shrinking.   The side effects were very minimal and I was excited.  We continued with ECX since it was working for me but suddenly in late May, I started to get sick and the side effects really started to kick in.  Dr. R ordered a CT scan in June and it revealed that my cancer was growing.  We went ahead and continued on ECX but in my heart I just felt that it wasn't working.  I was constantly suffering from nausea and vomiting.  Finally in August, my second PET scan revealed that ECX was indeed not working and my cancer was growing.  Dr. R asked me if I wanted to continued chemo but with Taxol this time and without hesitation, I told her yes.  Seven weeks ago is when I started my treatment of Taxol.  I knew my hair would be falling out again but that wasn't a big deal.  I figured that I couldn't possibly feel any worse than I already had from side effects of chemo but I was wrong.   Taxol has made me feel HORRIBLE. A couple of days after infusion is when the side effects kick in.  Luckily they only last about 4-5 days but they are a long 4-5 days.  I literally feel like my body has been processed by a car crusher.  There were so many days when I would cry that I couldn't take it anymore.  Somehow I made it through.  Shortly after I started my first cycle of Taxol, I realized that I hadn't asked my oncologist what were my chances of Taxol working for me and I emailed her asking her.  I didn't realize that my odds had dropped significantly and with how Taxol was making me feel, I didn't know if I could keep going.  I had only revealed to my family and a few close friends what I was facing.  I know 15-24% isn't much but I was holding onto hope.  I still hold on to hope.  You might be thinking that most likely, Taxol isn't going to help me and I just put my body through hell for nothing.  I might have lost my hair for nothing.  I go in for my next PET scan on October 23rd and I meet with Dr. R on the 25th where she will go over the results with me.  I am holding onto that hope that at the very least, Taxol is making my cancer stable.  I am hoping for no growth.  But I have to be honest.  Part of me doesn't want Taxol to work.  If it does work, do I continue on it?  Of course, you would think.  Can I really endure feeling like hell again? This is not the quality of life that I signed up for.  Dr. R said that we can try another chemotherapy but that my chances would drop even lower.  I gave Dr. R my initial feelings but after talking over the situation with nurse Paula, I decided to make my final decision when we cross that bridge.  This decision is mine and mine alone.  This is about what I want and how I want to live my life.  Initially when I was diagnosed, we were hoping to get a good 1.5-2 years more of life.  But as I have learned about stomach cancer, it can be very sneaky and aggressive as mine has shown to be.  I am only 9 months into my journey and unfortunately, I will not make it to the 2 year mark.  That's just the reality of it and I want to be honest with all of you about this.  I do not focus on expiration dates and no doctor can tell me how much time I have left.  Yes, I have asked Dr. R what her professional opinion is on how much time I have left but I have decided to keep that private between myself, my family, and a few close friends.  I do believe that only God knows when he will call me up and he has a plan for me.  I am very trusting in him.  After all, without his strength carrying me through this journey, who knows how long I would have lasted without it.

Where I spend most my days.

Right hand swollen but not the left, possibly a blood clot.

At the end of August, I was still feeling pretty well and doing things for myself.  It wasn't until I got my Pleur-X catheter that things started to turn for the worse.  That's when I knew that my health was steadily declining.  I am now up to 4 visits a week from my home health care nurses.  This means they are draining a liter out of my pleural cavity 4 times a week.  That's 4 liters.  And there is plenty of more fluid where it came from.  Luckily my belly fluid hasn't been a problem for me anymore and I haven't needed another paracentesis.  Lasix does a pretty good job working for me, although I have to admit that it's quite annoying going to the bathroom every 5 minutes when I do take it.  My energy level is gone.  I can't bend over very far without coughing up a lung.  My mom has to open my dresser drawers for me to find my clothes because it takes too much energy on my part.  I am pretty much on oxygen 24/7 now.   I only shower 2-3 times a week because it drains me and I can't stand to be away from my oxygen that long.  I no longer wear make up as it takes to much effort.  I can't even imagine wearing a dress anymore.  Taxol has made me experience neuropathy, which is numbing/tingling of the fingers and toes.  Mine feel like ice cubes, numb.  I'm not in any pain.  I'm wearing my fentanyl patch and taking dilaudid for break through pain.  Most of the time I just want to take Ativan (which knocks me out) and sleep the day off. I mostly feel uncomfortable.  I feel a weight on my chest which is the fluid in my pleural cavity.  I hate it.  It makes me feel short of breath.  Oxygen doesn't even help much.  My heart races and it's the oxygen that helps me catch it.   I have a slight cough that I don't know will ever go away.  I'm pretty much homebound because it takes too much effort to leave.  And again, I just don't feel comfortable.  I am trying to do better with my crankiness.  I think I just get irritated when I have to repeat myself because I'm short of breath and hate wasting it!

On a good day, nail shop with my sis.

I am not telling you all of this to feel sorry for me that I'm not doing well.  I just want you to know what my reality is.  My cancer has not been good to me at all.  I appreciate all the prayers and well wishes.  Keep sending them my way.   I have some pretty tough decisions coming up this month.  Maybe I'm next in line for a miracle.  Whatever I chose, I want you to know this:

"I've realize that I will never lose my battle against cancer. Although there is no cure and I will earn my wings one day, filling my life with beautiful people and experiences makes me a winner. I love my family, friends, and supporters dearly. Thank you all for helping me create a life worth living when it matters the most."

Closest thing to being a mom.  Love Molly dearly.

Happiest People for Happiest Place on Earth!

This photo is for nurse Paula.  This past weekend, I did my own create a wish and went to Disneyland for a day.  In all, there was a group of 12 of us.  My cousin's-daughter's-mother's-cousin, Hugo, works at Disneyland and was able to join us and host us. He works the night shift and had just gotten off but he generously took us around the park and gave us the tour.  Our first stop, after getting mouse ears, was at City Hall where they gave us "honorary citizen" buttons which would allow us to be accommodated at the lines for the rides we wanted to get on.  I proudly wore my head bald with just my ears and sometimes I had to take a break since my scalp would get warm.  Tolerance still needs to be worked on as I still got plenty of stares from everyone (kids and adults).  Most people were kind enough to move out of my way as I was in a wheelchair and even generous enough to move aside when a group would crowd around a performance and I couldn't see from where I was at.  

This is a short lil blog to let you know I had a wonderful time at Disneyland and I couldn't thank Hugo enough for taking time out of his day to give me and my family a wonder Disney experience.  What I've learned is that Disney is a huge money maker and they don't do anything special for people in my situation so it really does take kind hearted individuals like Hugo to get a true Disney experience.  I will forever be grateful for him and what he did for me.  

More to come so stay tuned!

Mickey Here I Come!

I just wanted to write an update about something exciting I have to look forward to.  Today my sister, her husband, and her friend are arriving from Seattle.  I love having my family visit.  But what makes this extra special is that we are going to drive down to LA this weekend and go to Disneyland!  My oldest brother has been endlessly fundraising for me back in our hometown of Othello, WA.  My friend Rachel sent me the flyer they are using and she is in on the fundraising, too.  It absolutely touched my heart.  This trip is my own create a wish.  I've opted not to use The Dream Foundation.  Because of my declining health and my lack of ability to travel, I asked my oncologist if it would be ok for me to do this trip and she gave me the thumbs up.  Fundraising has made this trip possible but also it's helping my medical costs.  I am on oxygen 24/7 and it isn't cheap.  I just gave my debit card number to Apria Healthcare and they just charge me my monthly copays for the wheelchair, hospital bed, and oxygen.  It has been adding up.  I absolutely appreciate everyone that has donated to help me out.  I am forever grateful.

Fundraiser back home.

This week has been pretty uneventful.  I still have this weird cough which won't go away.  I have no fever or anything, it just brings up a clear phlegm.  It's very annoying because if it gets out of control, it does make me vomit.  I spend most of my days in my room either sleeping or on my computer.  Finally yesterday, nurse Paula gave me a good pep talk after I broke down to her.  She is the sweetest thing ever.  She encouraged me to get out of the apartment in my wheelchair and just get some fresh air.  She told me that I wasn't at a point where I was to be confined to my bed.  So later that evening, I took my oxygen tank with me and my mom and I walked over to Trader Joe's to grab something for dinner.  I live right behind the store.  I took it slow and had to take a break outside on the benches, but we made it.  My appetite has been non existent and nothing jumped out at me while in the store but I just picked out something that was half decent looking.  I'm glad Paula gave me the motivation to get out but next time I am taking the wheelchair.  I am just too winded walking by myself even with the oxygen.  My mood has also been somewhat grumpy.  My sister has been taking care of Power of Attorney stuff and I guess it's making me feel upset inside.  I know that it has to be done but I just feel like I'm very much alive and well and kicking.  Things need to go at my pace and I'm not ready to sign off on it.  Maybe I just don't want to deal with the fact that I won't be here one day when I'm trying so hard to stay alive. 

Posing with my oxygen tank.

Today I went to Kaiser to get my dressing changed on my midline.  I took a couple of pictures in the lobby area as I waited for nurse Cynthia to call me back.  I decided I'm going to give my oxygen tank a name so I'm taking suggestions.  

Just saying hello!

I also got my nifty purple wig in the mail.  I quickly brushed her out and snapped a pic.  I really like it!  If I dolled myself up with make up, I'm sure to look like a super star!

I love my new purple wig!

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I will make sure to take lots of pics and hopefully I meet plenty of the Disney characters.  Please send me your prayers and positive vibes that I survive this trip without any troubles.  Thank you so much!

Throwback: Summer of 1999 (17 year old Marta)

Throwback:  1982?  That's baby Marta on the blanket.

Every Week it's Something New....Let's Change That!

Last Wednesday, Nurse Paula came to visit me as usual and to drain my pleural cavity.  Everything was going fine and she had no problem getting a liter of fluid out of me.  It did alarm me to see that my pleural juice was a red color.  It reminded me of Washington apples.  That morning, I had woken up with a minor cough and I thought nothing of it.  I just reminded anyone that was planning on visiting me to make sure they were healthy with no illnesses like the flu since my immune system is low and I can't afford to get sick.  After Paula was done draining me, I started to cough. This is normal, as the lung is expanding back into its place.  I was just coughing up clear phlegm over and over.  I couldn't stop it.  I kept holding onto my chest as if I was going to cough up my lungs.  When things seemed to quiet down, Paula had me take an Ativan and I laid back in my bed and tried to meditate to calm myself down.  With it being Wednesday, Dr. R was not in the office so Nurse Paula left a message with NP Kelly about her concern with my cough.  It really wasn't a pretty view.

My red pleural juice.

Nurse Paula packed her things up and I went to sleep since the Ativan has that affect on me.  Later on, NP Kelly called me back and set up an appointment to see her the following day and also to go to radiology and have a chest x-ray done.  I was feeling weak from coughing so much.  I have no energy as is and my appetite was now non existent.  My mom and my sister would try to get me to eat but I just had no desire.  I gotta tell you, it's quite annoying being told to eat something because you need energy when you have no appetite and the thought of food is repulsing.  The only thing that I could manage to eat were popsicles and my Ensure Enlive juices.  I was also feeling short of breath so I had to turn my oxygen machine back on and wear that.  I noticed that I would get up and go to the bathroom and by the time I came back to bed I was huffing and puffing, craving my oxygen mask.  I checked my numbers on my oximeter and it was well in the 80's.  The oxygen also calms me down and I can feel my resting heart rate lowering.

Sleeping with my oxygen.

The next day, I had to take a shower and get ready for my appointment.  A year ago, I took a shower every day.  Today, I'm the girl who showers 2-3 times a week.  It's not easy anymore.  I have to cover my midline with my handy garbage bag apparatus that has bungie cords on it, I have to cover my catheter dressing with a sheet of Press 'n Seal and lastly, I'm short of breath!!!  My shower has been modified so I have the removable shower head, I had safety bars added to the shower walls, and I have a nice little shower seat.  I try to make my showers quick so I can get back on my oxygen.  My mom has to help me pick my clothes out, just like back in 1st grade.  Ok, not exactly like that but she has to open my dresser drawers for me and find what clothes I want to wear.  I can't bend over without coughing and feeling pressure in my lungs so anything that require bending I ask someone else to do for me.  I dress in some comfortable sweats and we head on out to Kaiser South San Francisco.  This time, we activate my portable oxygen tanks and I hook up to them.  Getting down my two flights of stairs to get out of my apartment building was a chore, but I made it.  I sat in the back of the car with with oxygen and relaxed during the car ride in. 

Waiting in radiology with my cane and tank.

Walking down the hall to the x-ray room. 

My sister checked me in to radiology and I waited for my name to be called, which took about 20 minutes.  My sister came to the dressing room with me as I was not used to walking with a cane and now my portable oxygen tank.  She helped me change into the gown and then the lab tech took me back to the x-ray room.  He gave me some funky little stickers to place on my nipples, which was a new thing they had started.  Apparently this helps because sometimes nipples get mistaken for nodules.  The procedure took about two minutes and then I changed and headed over to the lab.  NP Kelly wanted to make sure I wasn't anemic.  I dread getting poked with needles.  I am not kidding or being cute when I say I am a hard stick.  Not even a super tech who is awesome at needle poking has been able to poke me on the first try.  There have been a couple recently but my veins have just been killed by the chemotherapy.  The tech puts the tourniquet on my arm and gives me a stab.  She gets blood but it's going to slow so she tells me she has to stop and start over.  Ugh!!!  It always hurts when the needle goes in.  She goes in for another poke and get its.  Again, the needle stick itself hurts but I'm just happy she got blood. 

Nifty nipple stickers from radiology.

Cringing as I'm about to get my blood drawn. 

After it's all over, we head on over to the Orchid Center for my appointment with NP Kelly.  I'm called back, get my vitals taken, and wait.  NP Kelly comes in and shakes my hand.  I really like her.  She is so nice.  She goes over my x-ray with me and there's nothing significant about it.  It does show the pleural effusion which we know about (which is why I get drained 3x a week) and also some congestion.  That's probably why I've been coughing up clear stuff.  I ask her why my pleural juice has been coming out red and show her a picture of it.  She tells me that it can happen because I am on blood thinners and also because it's possible that there is a malignancy in there.  Malignancy means cancer.  It's ok.  My body is full of cancer.  What's a little cancer in my lungs now? My sister tells NP Kelly how I haven't been eating so she asks if I can get fluids.  Great.  This means I'm going to be stuck at Kaiser for a while now.  Kelly agrees and we head on over to the infusion center where Cynthia turns off my oxygen tank and hooks me up to theirs.  She gives me fluid over a period of an hour and a half and also does my dressing change on my midline.  It's been a long day at Kaiser and I'm ready to go home.

Bundled up as I get fluids. 

On Saturday, Nurse Nancy comes and drains my pleural cavity.  She is another great nurse.  We always have a lot of fun sharing and talking.  The pleural juice she drained is also a red color.  I wonder if it will ever go back to being the amber beer color it used to be.

Interestingly, the blood settles at the bottom of an older bottle, revealing the amber color fluid.

Fun times with Nurse Nancy.

I've come to accept that I'm on oxygen 24/7 now.  In my head, this is just cancer taking another part of my functioning body and destroying it.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to breathe on my own and no one can answer that for me.  Going into this battle, I knew there was no cure for me and that my objective was to buy as much time as I possibly could.  I wanted to be one of those people to make it five years out, breaking statistics.  Now that I'm 8 months into my journey, things have progressed so fast thanks to this sneaky bastard that it's hard for me to hold onto hope sometimes.  I've given up on the idea that I'll be here in 5 years.  Not all stage IV cancers are created equal.  Some stage IV cancers are curable.  Some progress very slow.  Some are rare cancers.  I want to get the periwinkle ribbon out there.  We all know what the pink ribbon is.  Unfortunately stomach cancer is usually caught in stage IV when the symptoms present themselves and it's too late.  This is just unacceptable to me.  

According to No Stomach For Cancer:

"Stomach cancers are the FOURTH most common cancer types worldwide, and the SECOND leading causes of cancer death in the world. The American Cancer Society estimates 1 million new cases in the world each year, and more than 800,000 deaths annually. Last year alone, it was estimated that more than 10,000 Americans would die from stomach cancer. 1 in 114 men and women are at a lifetime risk of this deadly disease!"

We've got to change this.  We need to educate ourselves on early detection and what the symptoms are.    We have to find a cure.  Too many newly diagnosed patients are told how much time they have with there loved ones.  That's what happened to me.  I don't know why I got stomach cancer.  But I've fought like hell, putting my body through the wringer, my mind through a roller coaster of emotions, just to be able to buy time and spend it with my family and friends.  I never imagined that I would die at 31.  No husband (not even a boyfriend), no kids...my life was barely beginning.  That's the reality I have to accept.  This happens to thousands of people out there and it has to change.  That is why I encourage everyone to poke around a website dear to me and see what you can do for November, which is Stomach Cancer Awareness Month.

No Stomach For Cancer

How to Survive Taxol...and Chemo #10

This past Friday I had chemo #10, which was another round of Taxol.  Thursday I had done pre chemo blood work and my lovely friend Mariya had taken me to go get this done.  I appreciate her so much.  She has really been there for me through this journey not only as a friend but as a support.   You don't meet too many people with a heart like hers anymore.  I'll always be grateful for her.  Later that afternoon, I met with Dr. R and I decided to wear my blue wig to my appointment.  I was too shy to show off my bald head and I was feeling a bit bold so I went with the dramatic wig.  I figure people would stare at me because of my bald head but now I was really going to give them something to stare at.  I got a few shout outs at the hospital as I walked around and I honestly didn't care at the looks people gave me.  For this appointment, I went in alone because there were some personal questions I wanted to ask Dr. R and I wanted to keep them between us, otherwise I would have let my sister join us.  Overall, I'm doing well and was able to proceed with another round of Taxol if I wanted to.  I said I would keep fighting so I was on board.

With my blue wig.

I haven't decided if Taxol is a worse recovery than my first regimen, ECX.  The thing about Taxol is that it seems fine and dandy the first two days then all of a sudden the side effects creep up and I'm feeling like death.  My body starts to swell up and feel stiff, and I feel like I'm on my death bed.  With ECX, I hated the daily nausea and vomiting that would make me cry because I felt so weak.  I never knew when it was coming on and it was so unpredictable, I hated it.   On Friday, I walked into the infusion center with my parents and Gail was my nurse.  I really like her.  She is so genuinely sweet and caring.  She's also very experienced and is always giving me great advice.  I tried to nap during my infusion as I had taken an Ativan earlier.  Nurse Gail also changed the dressing to my midline.  I felt bad for my parents who wanted to sit there with me the 3-4 hours so I had them go fetch me an iced coffee at the cafe to give them something to do. To the infusion, I wore a knit hat because I wanted to show the nurses my new hair do and I just wanted to sit there bald where it was completely normal.

Getting my Taxol like a champ.

My oldest brother arrived in town to visit for the weekend.  Let me add that this is the brother who said he would shave his mustache off and he hasn't!  So let's all pressure him to keep up his side of the bargain.  Saturday I played it easy and just stayed in bed mostly.  By Sunday, my appetite was doing well and I ate lots of tacos.  I spent some time in the living room and I started to notice that my legs were becoming stiff.  The side effects of Taxol were starting to hit me.  Later that evening, I went to take a shower and as I undressed, I noticed a big rash on my right hip.  My body was starting to swell up and I could totally see this in my abdomen.  Later I found out that my rash is actually a fungal infection (not bacterial as we thought).  I have a low immune system and fungus is everywhere so I was just lucky enough to get this.  There is nothing I did to get it.  To treat it I'm just taking an OTC ointment.  When I got out of the shower, the full Taxol effect had set in and I was feeling horrible.  I had a headache and horrible body ache.  I tested my oxygen level with my oximeter and it was dipping to the high 80's.   I asked my sister to hook me up to my oxygen and I felt a lot better with my breathing.  I had comfort knowing that nurse Paula would come see me in the morning.  At this point, all I wanted was just to sleep my recovery away.

Oxygen with the lil lady.

Nurse Paula called me in the morning and she told me she would be by around 11am.  I couldn't wait to see her.  I knew that by her tapping my lung, it would also provide me with greater breathing relief.  I was still on oxygen when she got there.  My oxygen level was bouncing all over the place in the 80's so it was best just to stay on it.  Paula was able to get another liter out of me (as was my nurse on Saturday who came to visit).  I must say, it does concern me that my health is declining now that we are able to get a liter of fluid out of my pleural cavity 3x a week.  Before, we were doing it once every 6 weeks.  It doesn't take an oncologist to figure out what this means for my prognosis.  I'll let you put it together.  Because my body was retaining fluid, I started taking Lasix to help rid my body of it.  I had about 10 lbs of fluid that I needed to get rid of, just based on my average body weight.  I hated feeling like mush and having to get up every 10 minutes to go to the bathroom.  Part of me writing this blog is to remind myself of tips to get me through Taxol recovery.  I would have to tell myself to stock up on the water intake after infusion.  Also start Lasix sooner.  The Taxol is what was causing my shortness of breath, so have the oxygen on standby.   Take Ativan or Ambien where needed and just sleep it off.  Taxol sucks and so not being awake to feel it is best.  

Pleurx catheter just in case you wanted to see what it looks like.

So it's Tuesday evening and I made it through chemo #10.  I've recovered a lot quicker than last time and it wasn't as bad.  I still had that moment where I was shocked that I had to do this one more time before we do a PET scan.  But I'm a warrior and I can do this.  Hopefully the next two weeks will be uneventful and I feel good.  I am planning my own Disneyland trip, a la Make A Wish style.  I know I can hit up the Dream Foundation but it's such short notice that I've decided just to do it on my own and use some resources to make it happen.  Later on I can ask Dream Foundation for a trip to Sea World in San Diego if my health allows it.  I'm excited to plan it and nurse Paula has given me a lot of good advice.  My dad flew back home tonight so I got to catch up on my tv shows on DVR.  I was watching The X Factor and The Voice.  I love singing.  I hate that I get short of breath so I can't sing for very long.  While watching these shows, I started to get sad.  I started to think about American Idol in January.  Would I be around for that?  I thought about Usher and Shakira joining The Voice.  Would I be around to see them as judges?  There are a lot of things going on in life that I'm going to miss out on.  That's why a lot of stuff doesn't faze me.  I hate hearing about politics on Facebook.  Whichever side you root for, there is bashing and it just drives me up the wall.  It doesn't matter who is elected president.  I will still have cancer and it will still be incurable.  I will not live to see 2016, that's just the reality of it.  At this point, I'm lucky if I get to see next summer.  I know it's hard to hear these things but it's just my reality that I have to accept.  I don't know how much time I have left.  I don't know if the Taxol is working.  Did I just lose my hair for nothing?  If it's not working, what do I do next?  Do I keep trying the next chemo until it works?  How am I going to feel?  What is my quality of life going to be like?  Some days I wake up and I'm feeling good and I will have a good day.  I have my moments where I get down and hate my life and cancer.  I think and think and wonder if I can keep living my life like this, as a cancer patient.  I've lost so many things to cancer.  How do I rebuild my life if I recover from this?  Most of my friends have abandoned me.  Do I let them back in now that we don't have to deal with the big C?  I really do applaud survivors.  Cancer tears your life apart and it never leaves you.  You'll always have to deal with scans and that question of it coming back.  Sometimes I think that I have the easy road.  I may not know my expiration date but at least I won't have to deal with the bullsh*t of life forever.  At the end of the day, I believe that only God knows what plan he has for me and whatever he chooses I'm completely ok with because I fully trust him.  

A girl I used to know...me. 

And with this video, I leave you my farewell song.  

Wowzers! I'm Bald (again)!

Let me start off by saying that this is my 50th blog entry and how much I've enjoyed sharing my journey with all of you.  Blogging has been a great way for me to share my true feelings about how I've felt through this process.  I want you all to get a glimpse of what a cancer patient feels emotionally, not just physically.  I also want to inspire and encourage you all to never give up when you are faced with a challenge.  Lastly, I want to network with cancer warriors, survivors, families, and anyone affected by this nasty illness.  If I can do that for at least one person, then I am one happy camper.

Dash stole my spot in bed.

Last week, my scalp was feeling tender and I knew the day that I needed my hair shaved off was soon approaching.  Sunday, I woke up and I just knew it was the day.  My scalp was hurting me so bad.  I wanted to massage it but I knew I'd only be pulling out hair with each stroke.  I was in bed up until about lunch time before I decided to go into the living room.  I had gotten up to get something and Dash swooped up into my bed and stole my spot.  Since it's a twin bed and he was laying in the middle of it, there was no room for me.  I didn't want to move him so I just went to my recliner in the living room.  My dad was watching TV and I got the remote.  I changed it to Keeping Up With the Kardashians as payback for him making me watch his western movies and Spanish novellas. After two episodes I did change it back to a movie we could both enjoy.  My mom made me Mexican rice and salmon for lunch.  I haven't been having the best appetite lately.  I've noticed that it's been declining so any craving I get, I ask for it.  My mom is also pretty good at asking me what I want to eat and not just making things I might not be in the mood for.  After I ate, I went back to my recliner and watched more TV with my dad.  I pulled a chunk of my hair out and showed it to him.  I told him I was ready for him to shave my hair off later.  Growing up, my dad used to give all my brothers their hair cuts.  Now he would be giving his daughter a hair cut.  I had to wait for my sister to arrive as I wanted her to film the process.  Finally at about 5:30pm, she arrived and I waited for her to have dinner before we headed off to the bathroom with clippers in hand.

Getting ready to shave my hair.

I set up a chair in the bath tub and my dad had the clippers in hand.  I could tell he was really hesitant to shave my hair off.  I had my sister start the video camera and my dad started up the clippers on zero.  I didn't cry.  In fact, I was glad to see it go.  I was so tired of the tender scalp.  Chunks of hair rolled off my head.  I have very thick hair and was surprised to see how much I have.  When my dad was done, I got a razor ready to shave the stubble off.  I did this because if I wear a knit hat, the stubble rubs against it and the little hairs will fall into my clothes making me itch.  I learned this from the first time I lost my hair.  My dad didn't want to do this part so I started it off by putting shaving gel on the front of my head and shaving away.  I think my dad was afraid to do it because he didn't want to cut me.  I'm on blood thinners so I bleed longer than usual, which was his fear.  I'm also prone to infection.  The entire time I was shaving my head, everyone was piping in and telling me how to do it.  I started to get annoyed because none of them had ever shaved their heads before.  I was the one who had done it before.  I was no expert but I knew what I was doing and I also had years of leg shaving experience.  Then it was time to do the back of my head and so I had my sister do it.  I could tell she had a light hand and was leaving a lot behind so when she was "done" I went over it again with a mirror in one hand.  I had my mom check the back of my head and go over any spots I missed.  Finally, I had a nice, smooth, bald head.  Never did I cry at any point.  There was no shock to seeing myself bald.  It was more of a "this better be worth it" type of emotion.  

My mom helping me shave the last of it off. 

I had immediate relief of my tender scalp.  It was amazing how it didn't hurt anymore.  Guess my hair just really wanted off of my head.  I think it was harder for my dad to see me bald than for my mom.  My mom spent the first few months of my journey taking care of me and so she was here when I was first bald.  My dad on the other hand was up at home and when we were together, I always wore wigs or scarves.  I was very shy back then about showing anyone my bald head.  

I know that my health is not what it used to be and that it has drastically declined, but I want to make it clear that I am feeling good and very much alive.  I am NOT on hospice!  I may not be able to do cart wheels but I can still dance.  As long as I keep on top of my pain meds, take my Lasix like I'm supposed to for my belly fluid, and have my pleural cavity drained 2-3 times a week, I'm doing ok.  I'm a little anxious for my eyebrows and eyelashes to fall out and I've been seeing that I'm losing several lashes a day.  If I do wear make up, I'm going to have to avoid mascara otherwise it will tug on my lashes and I'll lose them faster. My oldest brother will arrive this Friday and he's bringing me my new knit cat hat which I'm so excited to get.  Until then, I think I'm going to rock the bear hat.  I see my oncologist on Thursday and I have another round of Taxol on Friday.  I don't think I'll have a problem taking off my bear hat while at the infusion  center to show all the nurses my new hair cut.  They are all so lovely and I'd like to share this with them.  I am not my hair.  And I'm glad that I have a decent shaped head to pull this look off. I just wish there weren't any stares.  I know they are bound to happen.  And if when they do, I'd love people to ask me so I can get some stomach cancer awareness out there.  Oh and something that just popped into my head, November is Stomach Cancer Awareness Month!  We're going to have to plan something special!  Perhaps a walk?  Check out www.nostomachforcancer.org for details!  Let's show our periwinkle pride!

Enjoy the video of me getting my hair shaved off!

In bed Facebooking about my new baldness.

 

Close up of my bald but beautiful head.

A Melancholy Day...Losing My Hair Again

Two weeks ago I had my first infusion of Taxol and the informational sheet about Taxol that my oncologist had given me had said that I would lose my hair within 2-3 weeks.  They weren't kidding.  I woke up this morning and my scalp was feeling overly tender.  It had been feeling tender all week but today it felt like someone had pulled my hair really hard.  Like a girl fight.  It reminded me of when I first lost my hair to chemo back in February the first go around.  I ran my hand through my hair and many strands came out.  I pulled a chunk from the back of my head and the whole thing came out without effort.  I was too afraid to pull on my eyebrows or lashes because I don't want to lose those but I remember one of the chemo nurses telling me those would go too. My sister, who was visiting from Seattle, was in the room with me as I told her about my hair.  She was cleaning up my room since nurse Paula would be visiting today.  I didn't expect it but I started to cry.  It's never easy losing your hair.  I'm not a vain person at all but I really like my pixie cut.  The last time I was 100% bald where I shaved my head with a razor was back in April and by June I had a nice set of hair where I was comfortable not wearing wigs anymore and just walking around like that in public.  I have only three cycles of Taxol this treatment and they occur every three weeks before we scan again to see if it's working.  Maybe my hair will fall out and grow back again under treatment just like last time.  I don't know.  But I allowed myself to cry and my sister told me that I was a fighter and I wasn't giving up and that losing my hair was worth it.  I knew she was right.  And no matter how many times people tell me that I'm beautiful with or without hair, it's never easier.  I don't think I have any friends that would shave their hair off for me.  I mean girl friends.  They can all call me beautiful but I know they want to keep their hair.  I don't blame them.  There's no need for anyone to shave their hair off.  Supporting me in my journey is enough for me.  My oldest brother did tell me that he is shaving his overgrown mustache off for me.  I thought this was great and I know my sister in law appreciates it, too.

The chunk that fell off with no effort. 

My tears only lasted a few minutes and then I joked to my sister about how I was probably going to get a bald spot on the back of my head from resting my head in bed.  I haven't decided yet if I will shave it off again like last time.  I am kinda leaning towards that.  It will probably happen within the next few days as I don't want hair falling off everywhere.  I did put my purple knit hat on today to catch any shedding hair.  Nurse Paula came to drain my pleural cavity and it was in desperate need of draining.  I could feel it in my breathing.  She got a liter out with no problem.  I always look forward to our visits.  Not only because she is providing my lungs with relief but because she is such a great nurse and she tells me about her cats.  You all know how much I love cats.  After her visit, I stayed in my room to relax as my lung expanded back into place.  My mom brought meals to me bedside and my appetite had increased since I was watching cooking videos on YouTube.  I think I ate a whole box of macaroni and cheese.  I silently mourned the loss of my hair all day in my room.  I only left to go to the bathroom.  I took a brief nap with the kitties as they slept by my feet.  I asked my Facebook friends to help recruit more Team Marta members and they came through for me.  It made me really happy to see more supporters of my page.

They knew I was having a rough day.  Didn't leave my side.

I finally came out of my room at about 8:30pm and my family was watching a movie.  I took my seat in my recliner and I felt better just being out in the living room.  My sister gave me my Lovenox shot and changed my Fentanyl patches.  I'm glad she helps manage my medication.  It's just one less think I have to worry about.  I think I needed a day to just mope around and be sad that I'm losing my hair again.  I'm glad that Fall is here because I have many knit hats that my sister in law has made me that I'll put to use.  I asked my sister in law to make me a knit hat with cat ears on it.  I'm so excited for it.  One of my favorite hats is a blue one she made me that has bear ears on it.  It's so fun to wear, especially in public.  I still have my wigs on standby and I even have a blue Katy Perry wig, as I call it.  She just need a good brushing and trim.  One of my sisters had tried it on and walked around in it and looked very cool.  I know losing my hair is not that bad.  And I remember I loved my wigs.  Maybe I just need to go back and read my old blogs about losing my hair to remind myself that I can do this again.  Well shall see if this go around I can actually walk around in public without anything covering my bald head.  Who knows.  I take things one day at a time as I've learned that anything can happen in the blink of an eye.
 

My purple knit hat is back.

Molly and I are best friends forever. 

Just a silly picture of Dash because he loves me too!

What a Difference a Week Makes...

I had chemo #9 on August 24th and it wasn't bad at all on my body. At first, at least.  That weekend I felt well and there was no vomiting. I had heard this was typical of Taxol.  I had little nausea but I took some Zofran and that seemed to do the trick.  My body had retained TONS of fluid.  I looked down at my ankles and they were swollen.  I showed my sister and she agreed.  I then lifted up my shirt and showed her my belly.  More swelling.  I didn't have the pregnant look we were used to, it was different.   She said I looked like Sponge Bob and I had to agree.  My abdomen looked like a tree trunk to me.  A few days after chemo, I started to feel horrible.  I found it hard to get comfortable in bed, especially with my pleurax catheter.  I had to prop myself up with a million pillows.  I emailed my oncologist to tell her how uncomfortable I was and she ordered me a hospital bed which helped so much.  Apria Healthcare delivered and set up my hospital bed.  I was so happy to be in it and use its little remote to adjust it.  My health started to decline slowly and I found it hard to get in and out of my bed.  I was stiff as a board.  I emailed my doctor again and she had me add another fentanyl patch to help with my pain.  That helped.  I was only uncomfortable at times if I leaned on my catheter wrong.  I was now experiencing neuropathy, too.  That's when you get numbness or tingling in the hands and or feet.  My feet felt like they had walked a million miles and my hand felt like I had been holding ice cubes.  I emailed my doctor again and she ordered me gabapentin.  At first, it was making me loopy but now I've gotten used it to it and I can function normal on it.

My awesome hospital bed.

While recovering from chemo, I have to tell you, I felt like hell. I don't know what happened.  I just felt terrible and I didn't know if I could do it.  In one of my many emails to my doctors, I had even told her if we could talk hospice because I was in that much pain and feeling horrible.  She told me to give it a week.  If I didn't improve, then we could talk hospice.  She didn't give up on me.  She believed in me.  And that was enough for me to say ok, I'll give this a week.  She listened to my complaints and gave solutions.  During this time that I was looking like Sponge Bob and feeling like death, I didn't take any pictures and told my sister not to take any of me. My oncologist had me start back up on Lasix to make my swelling go down and it worked.  I lost 23 lbs in 9 days.  It was much needed fluid that needed to get out of my body because I think that's what was making me so uncomfortable. I was hooked up with a physical therapist who came to my home and told me about some exercises I could do in my bed to build strength and to just move my muscles around.  My physical therapist hooked me up with a cane, which I now use to walk around with in public just to be safe because my leg strength is not what it used to be.  And she also ordered me a commode, which I have in my room but have yet to use.  I also had an occupational therapist come to my home and give me tips on how to make things safer for me in my apartment as to prevent falls and what not.  I'm very impressed with these services that are included in my insurance.  Didn't know they existed!

The best part of it all has been that I now have a home health nurse that comes and drains my pleural cavity.  She is teaching my sister how to do it, too, but for now she is visiting me twice a week.  At first, we were thinking that my pleural cavity would be drained three times a week but we noticed that on the third draining that since we could only get 1/2 a liter out, we should stick to twice a week visits.  The nurses are only allowed to drain 1 liter of fluid at a time.  My nurse, Paula, is the best.  She is such a sweetheart.  She answers all my questions and puts all my fears at ease.  When I first met her, I was feeling like I was on my death bed but today, I'm feeling really good.  

Nurse Paula in the background and my pleural juice!

I'm feeling really good, honestly, no lies.  Yes, I did feel like death a week ago and I'm glad my doctor didn't give up on me and told me not to either.  She is the greatest oncologist ever.  My family has come to visit me but I will save that for another blog.  It has been such a special visit that I hold close to my heart.  I was able to hang out and even leave the apartment.  What I've learned about myself is that my body can go through hell, feel like it has been run over by a truck, and my spirit can be questioned, but it remains in tact.  I am a tough fighter.  I'm not going to give up.  It's crazy talk when I say I want to give up so don't listen to me.  My sister has been such a support to me.  She's had to watch me go through this and hold my hand as I cry that I can't take it anymore.  Bless her heart.  She's been there to jump on my cravings when I'm hungry after days of not eating and just drinking Ensure.  I am blessed to have her here by my side in this journey and the support of all my friends and you guys that read my blog and are friends with me on Facebook.  You cheer me on and offer me your words of encouragement that mean so much to me.  I thank you all for that.  For believing in me.  And I love you all for that.

Bathroom pic: This fighter keeps fighting!

Resting in bed with a smile. 

Molly resting in bed with mommy.