Chemo Infusion #3, Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

I was scheduled for my 3rd infusion on Tuesday.  We had already been delayed by a week because I had developed neutropenia (low white blood cell count).  So I had taken the week off from chemo in hopes of my body recovering.  I felt great.  My appetite was back and I ate plenty of cake.  When Monday rolled around and it was time for me to go in for my labs, I crossed my fingers that my numbers were all within range.

I checked in at the lab at Kaiser in South San Francisco.  I despise that place.  Because it is a hospital and open all the time, it's always busy.  There were tons of sick people as usual.  The line was about 20 deep.  Finally when it was my time to register, a little old man swooped in front of me.  He was having surgery that day so apparently he had a free pass to cut.  Whatever.  I patiently waited.  Finally it was my turn to register and I asked the clerk if oncology patients get seen faster than others.  He said not really, it was basically first come first serve, that they have tons of oncology patients and people fasting who are always bitching that they are hungry.  I was just curious.  No special treatment here.  I sat down in one of the empty chairs and waited to be called.  The tv above my head was turned on to the news and there was a story on about Trayvon Martin.  I played on my iphone and checked the time.  After about half an hour, I finally got called in for my blood draw.  As many times as I get poked, I will never get used to it.

I went home and in a couple of hours, my results were ready.  The thing I love about Kaiser is that they have a great website where you can log in and see your results.  You can email your doctor, make appointments, all sorts of good stuff. It's very interactive.  I was so happy to see that my numbers were all within range and I immediately emailed my doctor to confirm that we were on for infusion for tomorrow.  She responded within half an hour with the go ahead.

I spent the rest of my afternoon hanging out with my friend Jamie. I truly adore her.  Jamie was my roommate in a house we rented when I first moved to the Bay Area about 10 years ago.  Eventually we both went our separate ways but we always kept in touch.  It wasn't until I got sick that we started hanging out again but I realized what a true friend she is.  It was like we picked up where we last left off.  She is so easy to talk to and confide in.  She came over and I introduced her to Molly and Dash.  Jamie is also a cat lover.  We made plans to head on over to the theater to watch 21 Jump Street.  The movie was funny and afterwards we had some ice cream at Baskin Robbins.  I was sad for the night to end as I love hanging out with her but she had a plane to catch to Cancun in the morning.  I was jealous!

The day of infusion is never a big deal.  I can drive myself.  It's a 6 hour infusion so I always feel bad when someone wants to drop me off or come with me.  I'd rather go by myself, but I understand people wanting to help me out so I let them.  My sister came and her boyfriend came over to get me to my 9:45am appointment.  I took about 12 pills before my appointment.  They are mostly anti nausea and what not.  And since I wasn't driving, I went ahead and took an Ativan so I could sleep in the chair.  We arrive at Kaiser and I check in.  My nurse today is Clarita.  We look over my bruised arms.  I really don't want another horrible reaction to my right arm like when I had the Aredia treatment so we choose to put the IV in my right hand.  I cringe at the thought but I let her give it a try.  It hurts going in but I get over it quickly.  I'm all set and she starts the fluid.

In the chair, IV in place, ready to kick cancers ass!

I'm given some fluid, followed by a dose of Epirubicin, Cisplatin and then some more fluid.  My doctor has reduced the dosing by 10% so that we don't run into neutropenia again.  Surprisingly I don't turn on the tv the entire time.  I'm too busy on my iPhone facebooking, texting, and playing games.  I munch on some grapes and nuts, and curl up in my zebra blanket and fall asleep.  This time I only went to the bathroom 4 times.  Later in the afternoon I saw a young boy across from my chair.  He was a handsome Latino kid.  I was surprised to see him there.  Mostly all of the people I've ran into in the infusion center are older adults and some in their 40's.  I'm definitely one of the younger ones.  He notices me too.  I wanted to wave but I'm too shy.  It just made me think about how cancer does not discriminate.  It really just picks and chooses it's victims as it pleases.  Then a pretty, young girl walk out of the bathroom and finds her way over to the chair next to him.  I slump in my chair and close my eyes.  I was delusional for a moment.  A chemo romance?  She didn't look like his sister. I don't know.  Maybe I just wanted to meet someone who I could relate to.  His nurse hooks his IV up and closes his curtain.  I'm almost done anyways so I just relax and sleep.

After 6 hours, my sister comes to pick me up and we head home.  I'm feeling good.  I settle in at home and rest.  I hope that the rest of my week is good but we just never know.  My brother is flying in from Seattle the next day and I hope I'm not laid up in bed all week not able to hang out.

I wake up Wednesday morning and I feel great.  So great I can do cartwheels.  I start to question myself. I start to psych myself out that maybe the chemo isn't working.  I'm supposed to feel like crap, aren't I? My appetite is still in tact, which is unusual since I'm normally anorexic for about a week after infusion.  The next day I'm feeling ok, but not as great as the previous day.  I was feeling well enough to take an outing to Target and drive myself.  I've been feeling nausea so I'm taking Zofran and compazine regularly.  I have this strange heart burn and indigestion feeling that I haven't had before.  I double check with my doctor and she says to go ahead with Tums and Pepcid as needed.  They dull the pain a little, but I give in and take some oxycodone.  Then the pain goes away.  Damn it.  I have cancer pain.  I try to avoid oxy at all cost, but like my doctor tells me, this is not an endurance test.  I decide to take it easy and stay mostly in bed to avoid getting dizzy.  I just have this gross feeling inside me that makes me want to rip out my stomach.  And to make things worse, I have developed a cough.  It looks like my pleural effusion is back in my left lung.  Now I have to take my codeine pills to minimize those symptoms.

By Friday night, it breaks me.  I'm taking pill after pill to try to relieve my symptoms.  I question why the hell I am putting my body through this.  I don't feel good.  I cry.  My sister comes into the room and catches me crying.  Now I hate myself.  I don't like to cry in front of anyone.  I have to be strong.  I have to show that cancer is not making me weak.  In turn my sister cries because I am crying.  And now I feel like I am hurting her, when in reality it's cancers fault.  I tell her that I'm tired of feeling lousy.  I take an Ativan because I know that will help me pass out.  Cancer is a big jerk.

It's Sunday now and my mom has flown home to WA state for 3 weeks.  My brother is still here and my sister decides to take him out to Half Moon Bay for the day with her boyfriend and his son.  I decide to stay in since I'm not feeling my best and the sunshine can make me dizzy.  I sleep most of the time, waking often because I'm having hot flashes.  Molly is laying besides me.  Dash is in the living room passed out.  My apartment is quiet.  I'm feeling ok.  Just another 2 weeks of pill popping before my big PET scan and we see if this has all been worth it.  I'm super anxious.  This has to be working.

The best part of Sunday mornings, cuddling with Molly.