Chemo Infusion #4, April 24th, 2012

Since my PET scan over a little week earlier, I had enjoyed being off of chemo.  I wasn't even taking any pain medication or anti-nausea.  I noticed that Sunday before my next chemo infusion, I started developing a cough that wouldn't go away with my Tylenol 3.  So Monday I decided to email my doctor and tell her that I was having a cough that wouldn't go away and she told me that she suspected I had a virus that couldn't be treated with antibiotics.  She suggested I take Zofran for the nausea and Sudafed or Claritin for the other symptoms.  I could also try Mucinex to break up the phlegm in my throat.  I had a therapy appointment that day but I decided to cancel because I really was not feeling well.  The only thing I had to really get done on Monday was to stop by the lab and get my INR and pre chemo blood work done before noon.  Janet took me to the lab and I sat in the chair.  I know the two ladies that work the lab but today I had a new guy.  I showed him my bruised arms and let him pick where he wanted to poke me.  He chose my right hand.  He inserted the needle and I didn't even feel it.  He did a good job.  But I was feeling so under the weather and discouraged that I started to cry.  He asked me if I was ok and I said I was, that I was just tired of going through this.  We next went the pharmacy where I picked up some Sudafed.

I spent the remainder of the day in bed. I got my results back from my blood draws.  My INR was at 8.1, which meant my blood was too thin.  The Coumadin Clinic called me and instructed me on how to take my pills and to report back to the lab on Wednesday.  I asked my doctor if we were set to do chemo the next day and she said while my liver was just a tiny bit irritated, she felt we could proceed with chemo and she would reduce my Epirubicin dosage by 15%.

Tuesday comes and my sister and her boyfriend come to pick me up to take me to chemo.  I pack my lunch box and bag of goodies.  I almost feel like I'm packing for day camp.  Marita is my nurse today.  She asks me where I want my IV and I show her my bruised arms.  We decide to go with my left hand.  I've learned that the hand take less of a beating than my arms, well in my case anyways.

I spend the next 6 hours in the chair dozing off and playing on my iPhone.  It was pretty boring.  It was finally about 3pm when I had my sister come pick me up.  We headed home and I spent the rest of the evening just relaxing.  I gained 8 lbs worth of fluid from chemo.  The next day I had to report back to the lab and I had a friend take me.  This time, my INR came back at 4.3.  Just a tad bit high (we want it to be between 2-3).  The Coumadin Clinic called and instructed me on how to take my pills and told me to retest on Friday.  Thursday I was still feeling lousy from the cough and the side effects of chemo were finally kicking in.  I felt really nauseous.  I had to double up on the Zofran and sit up on couch so I could breathe comfortably.  

Friday rolls around and I'm back in the lab.  I fight back the tears.  This is my third blood draw this week.  I am feeling lousy and I'm just tired.  Luckily this time, my INR is at 2.7.  Success!  I get another call from the Coumadin Clinic instructing me on how to take my pills and they tell me to retest on Wednesday.  I didn't realize the difficulty it would take to get my blood just right.  And it's not like I can just quit and say that I don't want to do this anymore.  It's my blood.  It runs all over my body.  If I decide to stop taking Coumadin just because I'm tired, I'll run the risk of developing blood clots and then that could kill me.  I have to tell myself that I have to be strong and just suck it up.  It's not a big deal unless I make it one.  After labs, I decided to go to Ross and TJ Maxx to return some stuff.  I have a tendency to buy stuff and then it just sits in the shopping bag so then I have to return it.  While at Ross I did pick up 2 dresses and I felt fine.  I felt I had my nausea under control.  My next stop was the post office.  I waited patiently in line with my shoe box full of cards I was mailing out for Team Marta.  I was called up by the next clerk who helped me figure out how much more postage I needed on my envelopes.  I had 51 cards to mail out.  All of a sudden I started to get hot and I felt really sick.  I asked the clerk if they had a bathroom I could use and she said no, that it wasn't for public use.  I told her I was a chemotherapy patient and i was getting sick.  She walked to the back to get her supervisors permission and all of a sudden my vision went gray.  I was so dizzy.  I could hear the supervisor calling me from across the room and I struggled to find my way over to her.  I could hear customers asking me if I was ok and I shook my head no.  The supervisor grabs me by the arm and asks me if I could see and I told her barely.  She took me into the back to what looked like a locker room.  I headed into one of the stalls and I try to vomit.  My wig is making my head burn up and I take it off.  I just need to sit down and relax.  I come out of the stall, with my bald head and wig in hand.  I wash my hands and splash cold water on my face.  I fan myself to try and cool down.  I tell the supervisor that I just had chemo on Tuesday and while I had been feeling fine earlier, I just got dizzy all of a sudden.  I take a few deep breaths and we head back out to finish the transaction.  I buy my postage and the supervisor kindly offered to put the stamps on my envelopes for me.  I thanked her and walked out to my car.  I just sat there and cried.  It scared me that I had lost my vision for a few minutes.  And I was angry that I was not normal.  I hated that I was going through this.  Why couldn't I just be a normal girl at the post office buying stamps?  Why did I have to be a chemotherapy patient that had to take it easy?

Sleeping at night has been difficult for me. If I lay down, the phlegm in my throat gets so bad that I start having a coughing attack and I can't catch my breath.  And it's uncomfortable to sit up and sleep.  Any position I tried, I could not get comfortable.  Finally on Saturday morning, I had my sister bring me some Mucinex and Benadryl.  At this point, my body ached and my throat just felt like it was closing up on me.  I tried taking pain meds but they weren't helping.  I finally broke down and cried.  I hated my life.  I was tired.  I just wanted to go to the hospital and be placed on a ventilator.  I didn't want to do this anymore.  I wasn't enjoying life and I thought about the last time that I was normal and happy.  I thought about what it was like to go to work and live a normal life.  The physical pain was just excruciating and I doubled up on oxycodone, praying that it would help.  I can't even bend over without getting dizzy or getting into a cough attack.  All my hard work just flew out the window.  I wasn't thinking about the progress I had made.  How my cancer was gone from my lymph nodes or how my pelvic mass had shrunk.  All I could focus on in that moment was the pain that I was in and it just felt like the end of the world.  I kept thinking about how my health must be deteriorating and that it must mean that I was losing the battle.  I asked my team for help and they came through.  The pain slowly went away.  I distracted myself by watching a Nexflix movie and took some more Benadryl, hoping to get a decent nights sleep.  And I did.  I woke up today, Sunday, feeling a bit better.  I immediately took my pain meds.  My spirit is coming back and I don't feel so defeated.  

This journey has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster.  I can try and beat the pain before it sets in, but I can't control the emotional part.  I have to remind myself that I am human and that it's ok to lose it sometimes.  I know that I'm not going through this alone, that I have a lot of people who love me and who are rooting for me, but sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who could possibly understand what I'm going through.  I hate that it's a gorgeous, hot day outside and I'm stuck indoors because I don't feel good and I fear of getting sick out there.  But tomorrow is another day and all I can do is dust myself off and try again.

PET Scan Results: Are we progressing???

It was Friday, April 13th, that I had my PET scan scheduled at 8am at Kaiser Santa Clara.  My sister and her boyfriend came over that morning to drive me down to my appointment.  I had to fast but that was ok because I was so anxious.  We had just gotten done with 3 chemo infusions and endless amounts of Xeloda (chemo pills).  This was the test that was going to tell us if we were killing the cancer.

We arrive in Santa Clara and check in.  I'm called to the back and taken in to a little room.  Jenny, my tech, checks my blood sugar level and it's normal.  She then proceeds to inject me with radio active solution.  She tells me to kick back for 55 minutes.  I lay on the gurney and she covers me in blankets.  I try to nap but I had one eye open the entire time.  When my time was up, she wakes me up and I make a quick stop to bathroom.  I'm then met by another tech who has me lay on the gurney attached to the PET scan machine.  She straps me in, puts a blanket over me, and instructs me to lay my arms over my head.  I know the drill.  I try to relax and close my eyes.  The bed moves in and out of the donut shaped whole.  The scan itself doesn't take too long.  My tech comes back in when it's over, unstraps me, and has me wait in the waiting room while she takes a look at the pictures.  She comes back to tell me she got all the pictures and lets me out to the front where my sister and her boyfriend are waiting for me.  I know the tech can't say anything about what they see and this scan has to be compared to my initial scan anyways.

We head on out to Starbucks and then back home.  I stop by the lab at the Kaiser in San Mateo since I have to get my INR test done.  This test will determine the clotting tendencies of the blood, in the measure of Coumadin dosage.  Ideally we want my level to be between 2-3.  Later on when my blood test results came back, I found out that it was at 8.2, meaning my blood was way too thin.  I'm instructed to stop the Lovenox shots (YAY!!!) and also to stop Coumadin for the next 3 days.  I need to go in for another INR test on Monday.

That Friday evening, two of my sisters from Seattle fly in.  We had planned a girls weekend.  There are 5 girls in my family and 4 boys.  Yes, 9 of us and I come in at number 8.  Then Saturday morning, another sister from Seattle flies in.  We are all together again.  We each pack a light overnight bag as we're headed out to the Carmel/Monterey area for the weekend.  We drive on over taking the scenic route.  We arrive and pick something up at a cafe and head on over to the beach where we explore and take pictures.

Beach at Carmel, CA.

The next day we head on over to Monterey and walk around the Wharf. We also stopped by at the Mission in Carmel which was really gorgeous.  In the afternoon we decide to head on back home.  Tomorrow is the day I get the results from my PET scan and I am still anxious.  I couldn't sleep that night.  I had a million things going through my head.  I had a fear that my doctor was going to tell me that my cancer was spreading.  I was afraid she was going to tell me that it was now in my lungs, too.  

My appointment wasn't until 2pm the next day.  My sistesr and I woke up and I had the awesome privilege of doing 3 of my sister's make up.  Make up is one of my passions and I learned it all on my own by watching plenty of YouTube tutorials.  One by one, I made over my sister's faces and I must say, I was really happy with the end result.  Eyeshadows are my favorite and it took me a while to learn how to blend like a pro.  

Waiting for the PET Scan results.

We head on up to South San Francisco and arrive 20 minutes early.  I check in and only after about 10 minutes, I get called back. They have a new medical assistant today who is taking my vitals.  He had problems getting my blood pressure, so after trying 3 times, he let the other girl do it and she was able to get it.  I had one of my sisters come back into the room with me and we waiting patiently for my doctor to come in.  There's a knock on the door and she enters, saying hi to my sister and then me.  She sits down and asks me how I'm doing.  I say I've been feeling better since I started the Coumadin.  She says she has my results from the PET scan which we will go over in a minute but first things first.  She asks me the basic questions she asks every time I see her.  Any nausea? Any vomiting?  Any mouth sores?  The list goes on.  Then we go over my medications and refill the ones I need.  Now it's time for the big reveal.  She hands some some papers, which is the radiologist report.  She tells me, "I have some good news." My heart melts...in a good way.  The cancer in my lymph nodes and omentum is gone.  The cancer in my bones is still there but has improved, same as my stomach.  Now the pelvic mass that originally measured at 22cm has now shrunk down to 14cm.  I start to cry.  Chemo is working.  Losing my hair, being constipated, being in pain, feeling nausea....it has all been worth it.  This is what we are trying to achieve.  I ask my oncologist what the next step is.  We do another 3 cycles of chemotherapy just like the first round.  An infusion for 6 hours, every 3 weeks, and 2 doses of Xeloda the entire time everyday.  After we get done, we'll do another PET scan to see the progress.  Hopefully we see more shrinking but there's always that risk that cancer outsmarts the chemo.  My doctor allows me to take a holiday from chemo for the week since I deserve it, and I also want to be completely drug free and not have any nasty side effects while my sisters are there.  I'll start chemo #4 on Tuesday, April 24th.  I ask my doctor the questions I've complied in my iPhone and then we say our goodbyes.  I see my sisters in the lobby waiting for us and I hand them the radiologist report, telling them I'm kicking ass.  I'm winning.  We head on over to the pharmacy to pick up my meds for next week.  I'm super excited and we decide to go celebrate by getting our nail done.  

I spend the week with my sisters enjoying out time together.  We eat lots of food and go shopping.  I can't begin to explain the dynamics between my sisters and I.  We each have very different personalities and when you put us together, there are tons of laughs.  It's alway hard to say goodbye at the airport when they have to leave.  There are always tight hugs and tears in my eyes.  I wish they lived down the street from me.  At this point, I wouldn't relocate back to Seattle.  I've been in the Bay Area for 11 years now and have created a little home for me here.  And I'm extremely pleased with the care I've been getting at Kaiser.  For now, we'll just have to fly back and forth and visit.  

Tomorrow is Tuesday, April 24th, and I'm going in for my chemo infusion.  I had my blood work done this morning and my doctor said she reduced the Epirubicin dosing by 15% since my liver was a little toxic, probably caused by the chemo.  I also had another INR test done this morning and my blood was too thin again so I'm off of Coumadin and will retest on Wednesday.  Today when I had my blood draw, I cried.  I didn't cry because the needle hurt.  I cried because I was tired.  I had developed a cough over the weekend (which my doctor said sounds like the virus that has been going round).  Codeine has not been helping suppress my cough and I've been vomiting when I wake up.  I get nauseous a lot and my body feels week.  I just feel crummy.  So as the tech was drawing my blood, tears rolled down my face.  He asked me if I was ok, and I told him yes, I was just tired of this...tired of being sick. I can't be expected to have a smile on my face and to be strong at all times.  I'm human.  And I'm emotional.  And when you feel sick, you get irritated.  I'm just hoping that I wake up in better spirits.  I've got my soldiers ready and we're going to kill some cancer tomorrow.  I plan on taking Ativan and just sleeping the entire time.  Cross your finger for me, everyone!  I need all the physical strength I can get. 

I love my sisters so much.  

They have been there every step of the way for me.

Walking Bomb: Blood Clots

It was last Friday night, April 6th, that I started feeling a little funny.  I had gone out to dinner with my friend Alicia and then followed that by hanging out with my friend Anthony at his spot watching movies. I felt a little funny in my chest but I figured it would go away.  Then Saturday rolled around and I had a wedding to attend for my coworker.  The ceremony was at 2pm but my breathing was feeling weird and I had a cough.  I had a body ache too and I chopped it up to the Aredia treatment so I just decided to take some oxycodone.  I went to the wedding and I felt ok.  I took a lot of pictures but I found myself holding my chest every time I coughed.

My sister and I at the wedding.

We got home from the wedding and I got into my pajamas.  We soon went to sleep and then I woke up at around 1:45am.  My head was sweating and I felt like I was burning up.  I started having pain in my lungs.  It was hurting when I would breathe in deep, cough, burp, or hiccup.  I was also feeling stiff as I got up and attempted to lay back down.  I took my thermometer to the bathroom to check my temperature.  I was at 100.9.  Crap.  I took 2 Tylenol and went to go sit in bed.  It was hard for me to lay down and so I decided to go into the living room with my phone.  Anytime I have a temperature above 100.8, I'm supposed to call my oncologist or the advice nurse.  The last time I had a fever, they advised me to go to the ER since it was after hours.  I wanted to wait for the Tylenol to kick in and lower my fever but I just had a feeling.  I was also worried about blood clots and sepsis.  I dialed up the advice nurse and the wait time to speak with one was 30 minutes.  I felt so discouraged.  But Dash came over and sat on my lap.  Dash (my male cat) is very independent.  He is not a lap cat.  He does not cuddle.  He likes to greet people, be petted, and play with those wands with the feather attached.  So by Dash sitting on me, I knew he was trying to tell me something.  I think he was trying to tell me that something was wrong and to be patient, to just stay on hold.  My sister came out of the room and asked me if I was ok.  I told her that I had a fever and my breathing felt funny so I was calling the advice nurse.   She went back to lay in bed and waited for me.  Finally after 23 minutes, I was able to talk to an advice nurse.  I identified myself as a chemotherapy patient, told her I was having a fever and had some pain with my breathing.  I told her I was also worried about blood clots.  I had researched blood clots and it sounded like me, except for the part about coughing up blood.  The nurse advised me to go to the ER so I rounded up my sister and we headed out.

We made made it to the ER at Kaiser South San Francisco at about 2:40am.  They gave me a mask to wear since hospitals are filled with germs and then I sat down with the triage nurse.  I told him my symptoms again, told him I was concerned with blood clots, and he took my temperature.  I was at 99.7.  Looks like the Tylenol was kicking in but I was burning up still.  They secluded me to a room and I waited for the doctor.  My doctor finally comes in and I again tell her my symptoms, telling her about my fever and pain with breathing.  I also mentioned to her that I was always on the lookout for blood clots since I was undergoing chemotherapy.  She told me she would run some tests.  She said something about running a test but negative results didn't necessarily mean I didn't have blood clots so she said she would run an angio CT.  My nurse came in and she poked me in the arm to retrieve my blood.  She took about 6 vials of blood.  I tried to lay as comfortably as I could in my hospital bed but it hurt to breathe and I felt so much pressure on my left lung.  Finally after about 2 hours, my nurse asked me if I wanted something for the pain.  I should have said something earlier, but I am one of those people who will push through and suck it up.  She gave me a shot of morphine through my IV and I waited for it to kick in but nothing.  I asked for another shot and she gave it to me.  I was then wheeled away to the radiology department where I had a chest x-ray done.  

Back in my secluded room, I was still feeling pain so I asked for an additional shot.  The doctor came in and told me that I had pleural effusion.  According to Wikipedia, pleural effusion is "excess fluid that accumulates between the two pleural layer, the fluid-filled space that surrounds the lungs.  Excessive amounts of such fluid can impair breathing by limiting the expansion of the lungs during ventilation."  I am not new to this since when I started having symptoms back in December, my primary care doctor had ordered a chest x-ray and found this. I asked the doctor why I was having pain and she said it was pleurisy.  Pleurisy is inflammation of the pleura.  She said typical protocol would be to admit me but she would double check to see if that was necessary.  I really didn't want to be admitted since hospitals are not a happy place to be.  She came back and told me that I could be discharged but that she was going to give me a round of antibiotics.  She told me to take oxycodone for pain.  I asked for one more shot of morphine before I left and it kicked my butt.  I remember feeling loopy but it definitely took the pain away.  It was at around 8am when I was finally released.  No angio CT was every performed and I don't know why.  I went home straight to bed.

I woke up at around 12:30pm and since it was Easter Sunday, my sister, her boyfriend, and I decided to head down south to go see Hearst Castle.  I packed some belongings and we got into the car.  I took 2 oxycodone for the pain and it kicked my butt.  We headed south on hwy 1 and stopped along the way to take pictures of the coast.  I slept most of the time but we finally made it down to Cayucos where we were going to stay for the night.  As the evening drew, my lung pain started to come back.  It was cold and windy and breathing in that cold air hurt so bad.  But I put my big girl panties on and I pushed through the pain.

Gorgeous sunset in Cayucos, CA.

Back at our hotel, we settled in for the night and I took 1 more oxycodone for the pain.  I had to sleep with about 4 pillows in a reclined position as my breathing was unbearable when I laid down.  In the morning we woke up and headed to Hearst Castle in San Simeon.  I took 1 Tylenol 3 and 1 oxycodone for the pain.  I knew the codeine in the Tylenol 3 could help my cough.  I called my oncologist at 9am.  I spoke with the medical assistant and told her about how I was in the ER the previous day and she patched me through to my doctor.  My oncologist told me to hold on a second while she looked over the ER notes.  I told her how my breathing was still painful.  She told me that in comparing my chest x-ray to the previous one, the amount of fluid looked the same.  My pleural effusion didn't cause me any pain in the past, just an annoying cough.  I told her I was concerned about blood clots but that there was no angio CT done in the ER when the doctor said she would order one.  My doctor agreed that we needed to rule blood clots out.  I told her I was down south but could come in tomorrow for the CT scan.  We scheduled an appointment for 10am Tuesday and she told me to stop by her office after my appointment for the results. She also advised me to take 2 Tylenol 3 and 1 oxycodone for the pain.  I took an additional Tylenol 3 and by the time we hit the castle, I felt better.  The pain seemed controlled at this point and the only problem I had was walking up 100 stairs to get to the tour of Hearst Castle.  I was huffing and puffing by the time I reached the top.  

Hearst Castle. 

It's Tuesday, April 10th and I'm headed to my angio CT appointment.  I check in and get called fairly quickly.  I'm greeted by a tech who will start my IV.  He pokes my right arm but nothing.  He pokes my left arm but nothing.  He asks if he can try one more time on my right arm at a different location.  I say go ahead.  As much as I dread being poked, it has to get done.  I'm sure he's been doing this for a long time and my veins are just hiding.  3rd times a charm and we get the IV started.  I head over the the CT scan room and lay in the little bed.  They tell me that I'll get a shot of iodine that will show blood clots in the scan.  There's also a part where you get some solution in the IV and it makes your body warm and it feels like you're going to pee.  Very weird feeling.  So I get slid into the donut shaped device and it tells me to breath in.  It's over in a matter of minutes.  The tech tells me to sit outside the room in the chairs.  Ok.  Normally they tell me I can go and that my doctor will call me with the results.    The tech says he needs to talk to my doctor as he's not sure if he needs to leave my IV in or not.  Now I know something is wrong.  Tears escape my eyes and my mind starts racing.  The first thing that pops into my head is that my cancer has spread to my lungs.  It's my worst fear.  I wipe my tears and collect myself.  I wait patiently and then the radiologist appears.  She tells me that she needs to go talk to my oncologist and she'll be right back.  I wait.  She finally comes back and says that my IV can be removed and that I need to go see my oncologist right away.  

I head on over to the Orchid Center (it's within the Kaiser Hospital, just the name of the oncology wing) and ask for my doctor's nurse.  She comes out to get me, takes me vitals and sits me in a room.  I wait about 15 minutes and she comes in.  You have blood clots in both your lungs she tells me.  I start to cry.  I knew it.  Dash knew it.  Something was very wrong with me.  Blood clots can kill if left untreated.  I started to get mad.  What would have happened had I not spoken up and called my oncologist?  Were the blood clots going to catch up with me?  Would it be too late then?  I was released from the ER without being checked for blood clots.  They could have caught them on Sunday.  My doctor tells me that I have to start Lovenox shots and Coumadin (these are anticoagulants) immediately.  She also says I will be on Coumadin for the rest of my life.  I have a choice of either being admitted into the hospital and being treated or I can get my meds and give myself the shots at home.  Of course I choose the latter.  Kaiser has an Anticoagulation Clinic that will monitor me and a pharmacist will call me to instruct me on how to take my new meds.  I pick them up and the head nurse at the Orchid Center teaches me how to give myself the shots.  It was nauseating!  Luckily, the pain will disappear within in a few days but the blood clots themselves will take months. 

The lovely Lovenox shots I have to give myself twice daily.  

I'm instructed to take 5mg of Coumadin at night and to do the shots every 12 hours.  It's such a chore giving myself shots and I cringe every time I do them.  I'm to get a blood test done on Friday, it's called an INR test, that will check to see how thick or thin my blood is.  Ideally we want to be between 2-3.  Below is too thick, above is too thin.  On Friday I go in for my blood test and within a few hours, the results are ready.  I'm at an 8.2.  Too thin.  The pharmacist calls and instructs me to stop shots and pills for the next 3 days, that I'll need another test on Monday morning.  I know it's going to take some patience and time to get my levels just right but for now I'm happy that I don't have to give myself shots.  I also get to invest in one of those fancy medical alert bracelets that says I'm on Coumadin.  Should anything ever happen to me in an emergency and I can't tell doctors that I'm on Coumadin, this bracelet will come in handy and notify them.  There is so much to learn about Coumadin.  How I might bleed more easily now, bruise easily, no more contact sports for me, I have to notify the pharmacist if I want to take anything over the counter....the list is endless.  But this is my life now.  

Aredia Treatment #2

Last Wednesday on April 4th, I had my 2nd Aredia treatment. (Aredia is a bone treatment that I do monthly since my cancer has spread to my bones and it will help strengthen them).  I got to Kaiser for my 10am appointment and was feeling great.  Because Aredia causes bone pain, I thought I would get a head start and go ahead and start taking Tylenol.  I walked into the infusion center and they were pretty busy.  Most of the chairs were filled and I took my spot in the corner.  My nurse came over and we took a look at my arms.  I still had my bruising from my last blood draw and from my genetics testing blood draw.  I told her I wanted to get the IV in my hand since the last time I had Aredia, I developed a reaction at the injection site.  The infusion this time around took a little over an hour.  I mostly just rested and played Draw Something on my phone.

Waiting for my nurse to start my IV.

The next morning, I woke up at 6:30am with intense bone pain.  It felt like an elephant had sat on me and broke every bone in my body.  I got up immediately and took some Tylenol.  I'm taking Tylenol for the pain as this is what the nurses suggested.  I laid back in bed and just cried.  It hurt so bad and I started questioning myself.  Why was I putting my body through this?  This pain was worse than the pain that chemo made me feel.  I finally went back to sleep an hour and a half later.  I woke up again at noon time and the pain was still there.  I took another dose of Tylenol but this time I decided to take some Ativan as well.  I just wanted to stay asleep so I didn't have to feel anything.  It was finally around 7pm when I decided to come out to the living room and watch TV.  I bundled up with a blanket on the couch.  My body was stiff as a board and I was so cold.  It was very hard for me to get up and turn the heater on.  Then this idea popped into my head.  I decided I was going to give medical marijuana a try.  Back in February, I had gotten my medical card and supplies.  I had tried it once since diagnosis but I wasn't really comfortable doing it since my old school Mexican mom is living with me as my care taker. But now that she is on break and back in WA, I was definitely ready to try it again.  And I was in so much pain that I was willing to try anything.  I went into the bathroom with my vaporizer and loaded it up.  I wasn't sure how many hits I was supposed to take.  I went slow.  It did make me cough a couple times.  I went back to the living room and sat on the couch again.  I was amazed at how I was feeling. I was sitting up at this point with the tv on and my Mac in my lap.  I felt more relaxed and the pain felt lighter.  I think I found my answer to bone pain.

Let me take a minute to explain my views on marijuana.  I was never a recreational user.  In my 20's, I did experiment socially and had tried it with friends but it never did anything for me.  I didn't really care if anyone around me did it but deep down I thought people who smoke marijuana were pothead losers.  But then I got sick and I read a lot about the use of medical marijuana by cancer patients in many forums.  I was open to the idea but I continued to use codeine and oxycodone for my pain if I ever had it.  Just in case, I had my supplies and marijuana stash ready.  Then I came to this conclusion.  Marijuana is a plant.  It is not addictive.  You can't overdose on it and it won't kill you.  Yes, people smoke it socially to get high.  No, it's not a gateway drug to other more dangerous illegal drugs.  Does it make me want to take heroin? No.  Drinking on the other hand is legal.  People do it socially, to relax, to enjoy it, to get drunk...the reasons are endless (as with marijuana).  You can overdose on alcohol.  It can poison you and can kill you.  Worse, you can kill someone else when you drink and drive.  I actually gave up drinking a few months ago around the time I started getting symptoms.  And believe me, when I was in my early 20's, alcohol made me feel so uninhibited I did things am not proud of.  So I'm not sure why marijuana is illegal yet there are worse things out there that are legal.  Take my oxycodone for example.  It's legal while I have a prescription for it.  It's basically synthetic heroin.  It is highly addicted and comes with horrible side effects like my favorite, constipation (insert eye roll here).  And if I take the whole bottle, it will most likely kill me.  Until you have cancer pain, do not judge me on how I choose to alleviate my pain. 

Chemo Infusion #3, Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

I was scheduled for my 3rd infusion on Tuesday.  We had already been delayed by a week because I had developed neutropenia (low white blood cell count).  So I had taken the week off from chemo in hopes of my body recovering.  I felt great.  My appetite was back and I ate plenty of cake.  When Monday rolled around and it was time for me to go in for my labs, I crossed my fingers that my numbers were all within range.

I checked in at the lab at Kaiser in South San Francisco.  I despise that place.  Because it is a hospital and open all the time, it's always busy.  There were tons of sick people as usual.  The line was about 20 deep.  Finally when it was my time to register, a little old man swooped in front of me.  He was having surgery that day so apparently he had a free pass to cut.  Whatever.  I patiently waited.  Finally it was my turn to register and I asked the clerk if oncology patients get seen faster than others.  He said not really, it was basically first come first serve, that they have tons of oncology patients and people fasting who are always bitching that they are hungry.  I was just curious.  No special treatment here.  I sat down in one of the empty chairs and waited to be called.  The tv above my head was turned on to the news and there was a story on about Trayvon Martin.  I played on my iphone and checked the time.  After about half an hour, I finally got called in for my blood draw.  As many times as I get poked, I will never get used to it.

I went home and in a couple of hours, my results were ready.  The thing I love about Kaiser is that they have a great website where you can log in and see your results.  You can email your doctor, make appointments, all sorts of good stuff. It's very interactive.  I was so happy to see that my numbers were all within range and I immediately emailed my doctor to confirm that we were on for infusion for tomorrow.  She responded within half an hour with the go ahead.

I spent the rest of my afternoon hanging out with my friend Jamie. I truly adore her.  Jamie was my roommate in a house we rented when I first moved to the Bay Area about 10 years ago.  Eventually we both went our separate ways but we always kept in touch.  It wasn't until I got sick that we started hanging out again but I realized what a true friend she is.  It was like we picked up where we last left off.  She is so easy to talk to and confide in.  She came over and I introduced her to Molly and Dash.  Jamie is also a cat lover.  We made plans to head on over to the theater to watch 21 Jump Street.  The movie was funny and afterwards we had some ice cream at Baskin Robbins.  I was sad for the night to end as I love hanging out with her but she had a plane to catch to Cancun in the morning.  I was jealous!

The day of infusion is never a big deal.  I can drive myself.  It's a 6 hour infusion so I always feel bad when someone wants to drop me off or come with me.  I'd rather go by myself, but I understand people wanting to help me out so I let them.  My sister came and her boyfriend came over to get me to my 9:45am appointment.  I took about 12 pills before my appointment.  They are mostly anti nausea and what not.  And since I wasn't driving, I went ahead and took an Ativan so I could sleep in the chair.  We arrive at Kaiser and I check in.  My nurse today is Clarita.  We look over my bruised arms.  I really don't want another horrible reaction to my right arm like when I had the Aredia treatment so we choose to put the IV in my right hand.  I cringe at the thought but I let her give it a try.  It hurts going in but I get over it quickly.  I'm all set and she starts the fluid.

In the chair, IV in place, ready to kick cancers ass!

I'm given some fluid, followed by a dose of Epirubicin, Cisplatin and then some more fluid.  My doctor has reduced the dosing by 10% so that we don't run into neutropenia again.  Surprisingly I don't turn on the tv the entire time.  I'm too busy on my iPhone facebooking, texting, and playing games.  I munch on some grapes and nuts, and curl up in my zebra blanket and fall asleep.  This time I only went to the bathroom 4 times.  Later in the afternoon I saw a young boy across from my chair.  He was a handsome Latino kid.  I was surprised to see him there.  Mostly all of the people I've ran into in the infusion center are older adults and some in their 40's.  I'm definitely one of the younger ones.  He notices me too.  I wanted to wave but I'm too shy.  It just made me think about how cancer does not discriminate.  It really just picks and chooses it's victims as it pleases.  Then a pretty, young girl walk out of the bathroom and finds her way over to the chair next to him.  I slump in my chair and close my eyes.  I was delusional for a moment.  A chemo romance?  She didn't look like his sister. I don't know.  Maybe I just wanted to meet someone who I could relate to.  His nurse hooks his IV up and closes his curtain.  I'm almost done anyways so I just relax and sleep.

After 6 hours, my sister comes to pick me up and we head home.  I'm feeling good.  I settle in at home and rest.  I hope that the rest of my week is good but we just never know.  My brother is flying in from Seattle the next day and I hope I'm not laid up in bed all week not able to hang out.

I wake up Wednesday morning and I feel great.  So great I can do cartwheels.  I start to question myself. I start to psych myself out that maybe the chemo isn't working.  I'm supposed to feel like crap, aren't I? My appetite is still in tact, which is unusual since I'm normally anorexic for about a week after infusion.  The next day I'm feeling ok, but not as great as the previous day.  I was feeling well enough to take an outing to Target and drive myself.  I've been feeling nausea so I'm taking Zofran and compazine regularly.  I have this strange heart burn and indigestion feeling that I haven't had before.  I double check with my doctor and she says to go ahead with Tums and Pepcid as needed.  They dull the pain a little, but I give in and take some oxycodone.  Then the pain goes away.  Damn it.  I have cancer pain.  I try to avoid oxy at all cost, but like my doctor tells me, this is not an endurance test.  I decide to take it easy and stay mostly in bed to avoid getting dizzy.  I just have this gross feeling inside me that makes me want to rip out my stomach.  And to make things worse, I have developed a cough.  It looks like my pleural effusion is back in my left lung.  Now I have to take my codeine pills to minimize those symptoms.

By Friday night, it breaks me.  I'm taking pill after pill to try to relieve my symptoms.  I question why the hell I am putting my body through this.  I don't feel good.  I cry.  My sister comes into the room and catches me crying.  Now I hate myself.  I don't like to cry in front of anyone.  I have to be strong.  I have to show that cancer is not making me weak.  In turn my sister cries because I am crying.  And now I feel like I am hurting her, when in reality it's cancers fault.  I tell her that I'm tired of feeling lousy.  I take an Ativan because I know that will help me pass out.  Cancer is a big jerk.

It's Sunday now and my mom has flown home to WA state for 3 weeks.  My brother is still here and my sister decides to take him out to Half Moon Bay for the day with her boyfriend and his son.  I decide to stay in since I'm not feeling my best and the sunshine can make me dizzy.  I sleep most of the time, waking often because I'm having hot flashes.  Molly is laying besides me.  Dash is in the living room passed out.  My apartment is quiet.  I'm feeling ok.  Just another 2 weeks of pill popping before my big PET scan and we see if this has all been worth it.  I'm super anxious.  This has to be working.

The best part of Sunday mornings, cuddling with Molly.